"CRISIS"

Sunday, May 07, 2006

At group last week, we had about 9 pregnant females in attendance plus a Dula, a volunteer helper and me. One of the pregnant females is Heidi—placed a baby 4 years ago, is married, about 3 months pregnant and comes to group to help other girls. I decided I better bring another bread machine and make 2 loaves of bread because it goes fast.

A dula is a woman that helps woman during labor-delivery-post partum. Shelby, our dula, got involved with our group by recently working with one of my girls. Shelby expressed interest in adoption and working with birth moms, so we now have a new support and I am so excited. She is also going to become trained on child birth classes and will teach the girls in group. She also answers questions that the girls have concerning pregnancy and birthing during group.For the past years, there hasn’t been much of a “group”.

Either there are not any girls I am working with or they live too far away to come to the office for group support. I am thrilled at the increase in attendance this year. Currently, we meet every other week at 3:30 p.m. and schedule for 1 ½ hour. It is not unusual for the girls to linger until 6 p.m. or later, just visiting. In fact, last week, the girls were leaving group about 6:30 p.m. and going over to I-Hop to get something to eat. I did not join them because I had an “I 2 Eye” appointment (internet/TV) with a birth mother in Anchorage. My heart rejoiced to see the connection the girls were making with each other and building support for the difficulties they would be facing.

In May, 3 girls will be having their babies. One has chosen a family and is making final preparations. On the weekend, she had a “crisis” that we talked about at group. She had been shopping for baby items because her plan is to take the baby home for a few days after she leaves the hospital because the birth father (in another state) wants to see the baby before placement. We do not want to contact the birth father prior to termination of parental rights. “Angie” realizes this will be hard, but has been so focused on adoption, that she believed she could handle taking the baby home and still go through with adoption. Her “crisis” was feeling overwhelmed with fear of changing her mind and not telling me or keeping and wishing she had placed. In group, she could laugh at her “crisis” but at the time, it was difficult for her. I wanted her to share so the other girls could hear what they might also experience.

“Angie” called me during the “crisis” and we talked. I told her that it was good practice telling she might change her mind. If a birth mother cannot tell me what she wants, I am in big trouble. The trouble comes after the placement when she is not happy and it is too late to do anything about placing the baby other than healing and moving forward. I told “Angie” it was normal to have second thoughts, especially since she was making such a major decision. Unfortunately, even if an adoption decision is sound, planned and thought out, hormones make it difficult and there is emotional pain. Trying to avoid the pain from placement might help in the moment, but one doesn’t know what the future will hold for the mother or the child.

“Angie” shared at group, that after her “crisis” and falling apart, she soon felt better. She continues to focus on placing her son for adoption. She is anxious to no longer be pregnant. She loves her adoptive couple. She shared that the evening of her “crisis” she got an email from the adoptive mom telling her that they (adoptive couple) would love her even if she changed her mind. We talked in group about how in-tune and timely that email was--a blessing.