Ashley's Story Unedited
Right after high school, I attended college for my first year of higher education. During that school year I had met and began to date a young man. In the beginning he was nice enough but after a few months things started changing. He began to get angry for no reason. I don't really know (or remember) what set this off but I do remember all these following details precisely.
One night in late spring he and I were out driving when I realized that I had no idea where we were. He had driven to a park and stopped the car. As we started kissing, I realized that he was being rather aggressive with me. That evening was the first of many times that he forced me to have sex with him. At the time I didn't feel like I could call it "rape" because he was my boyfriend, and boyfriends didn't do that, right?!?! I thought that I loved him but I realize now that it was nothing close to what one would call love. That night (and many others) he threatened me and told me that I could never tell anyone what had happened. This began to happen more and more frequently and after many times of ignoring my "no's" and "stop's" I finally just began to let it happen, thinking that there was nothing that I could do about it. After about two months of this happening on a regular basis, I had become numb to his actions. It's almost as if I rationalized it that if I didn't think about it (and didn't fight it) that it wasn't actually happening.
In July of 2000 as I was preparing to go to a summer semester of college, my mother approached me with a pregnancy test and did everything short of forcing me to take it. As I sat crying in her bathroom, staring at the results, at first I didn't want to believe it. I went through many stages of grief. I was still in contact with this particular young man because I was fearful of what he would do to me if I were to break up with him. I called to tell him that I needed to see him. As he was living in Portland at the time, he came to Seattle to visit that next weekend. It was then that I told him that I was pregnant. He, right then, asked me to marry him. At the time, I truly thought that I loved him, but I didn't want to get married under these circumstances. I very quickly told him "no". He didn't even say anything. He turned from me, got in his car, drive away, and I didn't hear from him again.
I tell you this (not so happy) part of this story because it I don't know who has experienced something of the same nature. I do know that regardless of how it happens, there is still nine long months of feeling ever so helpless and very alone. I never would have made it thru these long and agonizing months it if weren't for three key people; (1) my counselor at the LDS Family Services Office, (2) my Bishop, and (3) Heavenly Father.
My counselor at the LDS Family Services Office helped me cope with being pregnant at such a young age. She helped me sort out, deal with, and come to accept all the thoughts, feelings, hormone changes, body changes, life changes, etc. all while keeping the Gospel and the Plan that our Heavenly Father has for us as the foundation for each meeting that I had with her. She was someone that I could talk to without worry of judgment or ridicule. She talked me thru (yet didn't ever talk me into) all of the extremely hard decisions that I had to make over the course of a few months. She made it very clear that whether I chose to keep this child or place for adoption, that I was the only one that could make this decision! I shouldn't allow outside sources (i.e. people) effect my decision.
The Bishop played a huge role in helping me spiritually be able to take on the decisions that had to be made. In the beginning we concentrated 100% on repentance, re-connecting with Heavenly Father, and making sure that I was positioning myself back in a place where I could receive revelation from Heavenly Father and guidance from the Holy Ghost. I had weekly meetings with the Bishop to discuss my progress in the repentance process. This is important because ultimately it was only thru true repentance and regaining a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father that I was able to receive the answer to my prayers which was whether the child that I was carrying belonged with my family or with another family. I was extremely grateful to have a family that understood that the choice to keep the baby or place for adoption was completely my decision.
When I was nearly 7 months along, I finally received an answer to my prayers through a very spiritual experience. My answer was that this little girl didn’t belong to me. She belongs to another family that has been waiting for her for a long time. It was also revealed that my Mother would lead me to this family.So I was supposed to place this little child growing within me for adoption… It is so amazing that from the moment that I received that revelation and began taking the proper steps that everything fell perfectly into place.
One afternoon I went to see my counselor, told her that I had made my decision, and she immediately had me looking thru profiles of couples seeking to adopt a child. After 2-3 hours or looking thru couple profiles, no one really jumped out at me. She sent me home with a few binders or profiles, but I didn't ever even open them.Just a few days after this amazing experience, my Mother indeed led me to the family whose baby I was carrying. We worked out all of the adoption details and on March 11, 2001 (after three days in the hospital on bed rest and what seemed like the longest pregnancy ever) a beautiful little girl weighing 8lbs 6oz and 21.5-inches long was born. The first time I held her in my arms it was amazing… but amazing in the way that I got to be the vehicle thru which she came to Earth and was re-connected with her real and eternal family. I held her but knew the whole time that she was not mine.
Although this experience started from the direst of circumstances, the result was something great! It is an experience that I would never wish on anyone, yet one that if I wouldn't have gone through that, I don't know where I would be at today. Not a day goes by when I don't think of that little girl and thank her because it was though her that I was able to grow closer to my Father in Heaven. It was during this time that I really got to know Him and develop a personal relationship with Him. I know that He loves me, and I know that he loves you! And I know that he wants us to be happy! If we seek out His help, he will be there with us every step of the way!
Ashley
Thanks for sharing. Thanks for reconnecting.
I want to make sure that birth mothers understand that you can be connectected Ashley needed to repent for was the loose of herself due to a realtionship she didn't understand. She isn't the first girl I have worked with that lost her self to a boy and didn't know what to do.
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