"Finding Experience" from Adoptive Mom

Recently 2 of my past Birth Moms found their child on Facebook and made contact. These 2 children are siblings. Birth Moms did not know each other. Below you will find the emails from the Adoptive Mom (edited).

Dear Tawnia,

I wanted to send you an email and let you know how much I appreciated talking with you a couple of weeks ago. I appreciated the information that you gave me concerning Birth Mom (BM). Needless to say, it was an exciting and an emotional week for the our family!

My daughter was thrilled, at first, to be in contact to BM, but for some reason has become reluctant to continue correspondence with her. Even though daughter is 19 years old, she is still immature in some respects. She tends to 'jump in with both feet' initially and then realizes that she maybe she should have taken things a bit more cautiously. Her primary response, in dealing with the uncomfortableness and fear, is avoidance. I know that BM is hurting right now. She took her cue from my daughter’s enthusiasm in the beginning and I think tried to establish a relationship with daughter too quickly. I don't know what the outcome will be as far as daughter wanting to pursue the relationship in the future. That will have to be daughter's choice.

On the other hand, the process with son (17) and his contact with BM is going very well, so far. BM contacted me first. I was able to correspond with her for several days and we both had time to analyze the situation. I was able to let my son read her correspondence to me and he became comfortable enough to begin corresponding with BM. They are being very patient with son and just asking him questions to get to know him better. He is asking questions of them and they are responding with honest, heartfelt answers. It has been a positive experience for all involved, so far.

I guess the reason that I am telling you this is to let you know that if a birthmother contacts you to get advice about contacting the adopted child, especially if the child is still young, please tell them to try and contact the adoptive parents first. This way the adoptive parent can help gage and monitor the process for both the child and the birthparents. The adoptive parents know the child's personality and can help the birthparents know how to properly correspond with the child.

In corresponding with both BMs, they both have expressed to me how much they appreciated your love, concern, help, and counsel through the pregnancy, placement process and beyond. They both have a great love and respect for you. One told me that if it hadn't been for your love, support, and encouragement during a long phone call on the night before daughter was placed with us, we probably wouldn't have received her. Emily also has expressed to me how much you helped her. Thank you!

In corresponding with both BMs, I have realized just how strong their love for the children they placed is. I guess for some reason I thought that love and concern would fade somewhat with time. If anything, it is stronger. I also know that the remorse that they felt when they decided to place their child is still there. I hope though, this has faded somewhat with time. I know that they have thought about and wondered about the child each day since the placement. I am sure it is a great sense of relief to know that their children are safe, healthy and doing well.

Thank you again Tawnia! Thank you for helping us have the experience of being parents to our chidlren. We love them tremendously and we are trying our best to help them become people that will want to make good choices.

Adoptive Mom

Second email..........
Tawnia,

Just to let you know, my daughter has had a chance to think things through a little bit more and has again been in contact with BM. I hope that their relationship will progress in a good and comfortable way for both of them.

Another observation that I have made in corresponding with BMs, which I didn't express to you previously, is that the birth mothers hold on to every piece of information or item sent to them about the children that they placed. In fact, I would dare say that they "cling" to it. Both BMs can practically quote to me the letters that I sent to them and have "reminded" me of information that I included about daughter and son that I have long since forgotten. I sent a Christmas card to son's birth parents and family and BM commented to me that she "recognized my writing immediately!" Who would have thought that she would have imprinted in her memory my hand writing?! How wonderful, powerful and divine is a mother's love for a child. Any mother's love, be it a birth mother or an adoptive mother, for I know that my love for my children is just as strong.

Adoptive mom
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Response by Tawnia

Thank you for this beautiful email. I love my girls. I also love the adoptive couple, but my focus has been on the healing of the girls. Although they have pre-marital sex, got pregnant and “decided” to place their child for adoption, it did not occur without grief and pain. I have witnesses this over and over for 20 years. I don’t think people understand the feelings on either side of the adoption triangle. LDS Family Services has come a long way since 20 years ago in the open-ness, but the education is lagging behind and I hope to make a difference there this year.