Saturday, February 25, 2006
A few days before group, Heidi called to tell me she had just moved to the area, placed her baby 4 years ago and wanted to come to group to meet and help other girls. I was happy to hear from her because it can be helpful to pregnant girls to hear the stories of other birth mothers. Luckily, group was the following day and I was expecting as many as 8 girls—a larger number than usual. Most of the girls would be new to the group experience. (Girls come and go as they have their baby.)
Heidi was the focus of the group. She shared her story of pregnancy, decision process and placing her baby for adoption. She brought her photo album full of pictures and letters that she had received over the years from the adoptive couple. Heidi had recently married in 2005. Over the past 4 years, she had continued to have contact with the birth father. She said she “loved him” and felt drawn to him. She has come to realize, now that she is married, that the birth father had been her “drug of choice”. Together they fed off of each other. She turned to him to feel good about herself and tried to control him in order to get her needs met. (Sound familiar to anyone?)
I asked Heidi what her relationship was like with her husband. She said it was much different. She said she realizes now that back then “she was worth a lot more than she gave herself credit for.” I asked her to repeat this back to the group again. I asked the girls to think about this statement and how it might relate to them. So often a girl/woman will give up what she wants because she has something not so good, but at least she has something. This could be a guy or a lesser goal. In reality, a girl probably has nothing at all. She settles for less.Think about what you want---really want. Then see if your choices/behavior are leading you towards what you want. If you are not going towards what you want, maybe it is time to make some changes.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
SOUND FAMILIAR??
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
“K” has a boyfriend that she “loves” but doesn’t want to marry. He has been her “best friend” for year and wants to be with her. Being pregnant helped her to realize that continuing to stay in this relationship was not going to take her where she wanted to go in life. Her boyfriend is a hard worker in an apprentice training position. He earns good money. He also continues to smoke pot and hang out with his friends. She decided it was time for her to grow-up and move on.
She expressed gratitude for being pregnant even though it was going to be hard to place her child for adoption. If she keeps the baby, she knows she would always be involved with the birth father and she doesn’t want that. She realizes it is time for her to move towards her “life goals”—do things that will get her what she really wants in life and be with people who are going the direction she wants to go. She has reconnected to family for support to help her through this time.
In group, we talked about the positive side of being pregnant, not married and considering adoption. Some girls have drawn closer to parents and siblings. It is a time to consider where one is going with her life and make new choices.
Going through this process often strengthens the spiritual core—with struggle comes growth. This is often a time of reflection and growing up. A girl might ponder about “what really matters” or “what do I want”. A great time to do some Journaling. The sacrifice of placing a child for adoption can also be a time of recognizing one’s worth in new ways. Sacrifice is strengthening .
Sacrificing also builds confidence to know that when you are faced with something difficult and you were able to meet the challenge—thinking beyond your own emotional need to the needs of your child and placing your baby for adoption.
Can you see why Birth Mothers are HEROES?
“K” has a boyfriend that she “loves” but doesn’t want to marry. He has been her “best friend” for year and wants to be with her. Being pregnant helped her to realize that continuing to stay in this relationship was not going to take her where she wanted to go in life. Her boyfriend is a hard worker in an apprentice training position. He earns good money. He also continues to smoke pot and hang out with his friends. She decided it was time for her to grow-up and move on.
She expressed gratitude for being pregnant even though it was going to be hard to place her child for adoption. If she keeps the baby, she knows she would always be involved with the birth father and she doesn’t want that. She realizes it is time for her to move towards her “life goals”—do things that will get her what she really wants in life and be with people who are going the direction she wants to go. She has reconnected to family for support to help her through this time.
In group, we talked about the positive side of being pregnant, not married and considering adoption. Some girls have drawn closer to parents and siblings. It is a time to consider where one is going with her life and make new choices.
Going through this process often strengthens the spiritual core—with struggle comes growth. This is often a time of reflection and growing up. A girl might ponder about “what really matters” or “what do I want”. A great time to do some Journaling. The sacrifice of placing a child for adoption can also be a time of recognizing one’s worth in new ways. Sacrifice is strengthening .
Sacrificing also builds confidence to know that when you are faced with something difficult and you were able to meet the challenge—thinking beyond your own emotional need to the needs of your child and placing your baby for adoption.
Can you see why Birth Mothers are HEROES?
SIGN LANGUAGE AND GUNS
My first visit with Emmy included the birth father, which doesn't happen often. Emmy and Aron were in their 20's and had certain ideas of what they wanted. When I heard what they wanted in an adoptive couple, I was skeptical. Little did I know we would find such a couple within our office limits.
Emmy and Aron were fun to deal with. They both kept me laughing. She still keeps in touch with me and gives me a hard time, especially about my voice message greeting.
Emmy didn't share in "Her Story" (see the following day) that she is remarried and hopes to gain custody of her first 2 children. She also plans to go to school to be an Interpreter. She continues to receive letter/pictures each year from her adoptive mom.
Emmy was happy to share her "story" with you. I hope you find it helpful. As hard as placing her child was, she did what she thought/felt was right for her daughter. She is my hero.
Emmy and Aron were fun to deal with. They both kept me laughing. She still keeps in touch with me and gives me a hard time, especially about my voice message greeting.
Emmy didn't share in "Her Story" (see the following day) that she is remarried and hopes to gain custody of her first 2 children. She also plans to go to school to be an Interpreter. She continues to receive letter/pictures each year from her adoptive mom.
Emmy was happy to share her "story" with you. I hope you find it helpful. As hard as placing her child was, she did what she thought/felt was right for her daughter. She is my hero.
EMMY'S STORY
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
When I was 16 years old, my boyfriend and I found out that I was pregnant (1994). We planned to marry the following June. In April, we lost the baby at 12 weeks along. It was very devastating for both of us, even though we were not ready to be parents. We decided to go ahead with the wedding but pushed it out until September. Two days before the wedding (Sept. 24) we found out we were pregnant with my oldest daughter. She was born in May 1995. In June1997, we had my son, Michael. We separated December of that same year. I moved out of the house we had purchased together and was staying with some friends in a very small apartment, leaving our children with their father. I was only intending to be gone for a very short time, just to clear my head. Two weeks later, I was served with divorce papers and a restraining order preventing me from entering the home to see my children. After 5 months of court battles, our divorce was final on May 5, 1998 and he was awarded custody of our children.My first husband remarried in October1998. As soon as step-mom came into my children’s lives, she has been trying to push me further and further away from them. In 2002, she got what she wanted when they moved out of state. I get visitation: 4 weeks in the summer and every other Christmas. I have received only a few letters and seldom talk to them on the phone since they have been gone. I think the step-mom blocks me from contact as much as possible. I pay child support to their father. While divorcing, I ran into my very first love, Bill. (We met when I was 14 years old) We married in August 1998, one day before I turned 21. I had problems in my second marriage from day one. We fought constantly. We had a daughter together. After her birth (October 1999), our marriage deteriorated again and we divorced October 2001. I was awarded custody of this daughter and he has visitation. When we separated, I moved into my own apartment and a few months. Later filed bankruptcy due to the debt that was left after BOTH marriages. My lease was up, and I knew that I would not be able to find another apartment easily with a bankruptcy on my credit. My best friend of 17 years, Aron, told me I could move into his house and pay what I could afford for rent. After being through two marriages and being dumped on so much, I told him that if I lived there, he could not. He agreed and moved out to his cousin’s house. I moved into Aron's home in January 2001. By March, our relationship went to a whole new level. We both felt it was the right time to express our true feelings for each other which had been growing for quite some time. Both of us had been through nasty divorces and withheld our feelings. We decided that we would take things VERY slow, day by day and see what happened. After 17 years of friendship, we had been through everything together and knew we had a lot in common. He moved back into his house in April and we were still in agreement that there couldn’t be anything sexual going on between us for several reasons. We DID share the same bed and all that, but believe it or not, we didn’t even kiss until June 2001. It was wonderful and we both felt it!! Anyway, we talked about our future together and what we both had in mind for kids, house, wedding, etc. You name it, we talked about it. In August 2001, our relationship leaped to a REALLY high level quickly.
We were finally intimate and we found out I was pregnant. BAD TIMING! for both of us. From that moment on, our relationship was not the same. I actually moved out for about a month because of the tension and stress. I moved back in December of that year and had my own bedroom with my daughter. Aron moved into the other room. When I first found out that I was pregnant, naturally I told myself and everyone else that I was keeping the baby no matter what. Abortion is NEVER an option for me. And how in the heck could I even think of giving MY child to someone else??? But after several nights of crying myself to sleep worrying about how I was going to make it on my own with two small children, I sat down with Aron and told him I would go and talk to someone. I wasn’t going to agree to do the adoption, but I said I would talk to someone. He was relieved because he had felt all along that adoption was the best. We went to talk to someone the following week. We went through my church Adoption Agency, LDS Family Services. If I was going to do this, I was set on placing my child with someone with the same values and morals as myself. Aron agreed. We finally decided to place our baby. We picked the family and met them in February face to face. Immediately I knew that they were the family to raise our child.After we had chosen the adoptive couple, I called a very good friend of mine and told her that we had chosen the family. She asked what their name was and I told her. We only knew their first names at the time. She immediately began to cry and said, “They were my neighbors in my previous neighborhood and they are the best”. I knew that God had a hand in sending this adoptive couple to us. That was just too weird. The way we picked them was I had requested someone that knew Sign Language, as I am planning on pursuing a career in Interpreting. Adoptive mom is an interpreter. Aron is very much into guns, and adoptive dad is also. So this family was meant for us. At the face to face meeting, Adoptive mom had asked us if we knew what the sex was. At the time, we did not. She told us that if we found out, then we could give them some suggestions for names. So the next week, I got an ultrasound and found out we were having a girl. I tell ya, I was not emotionally prepared to find out what the sex was. I was a wreck anyway dealing with all the emotions of the adoption and all, and that was enough to kill me. I came home and told Aron it was a girl and he lost it. He had a 5 year old son and had always wanted a little girl. So that was really hard. I called Tawnia the next day and told her to call the couple and tell them that we were having a girl, and the name we had picked was Miya. So two days later, we received a call from Tawnia saying that they really liked the name Amanda and would be happy to give her the middle name of Miya. When I first heard “Amanda”, I said NO WAY knowing that my first husband’s wife had that name. But then I thought about it and it is a rather nice name, just has a bad face to it for one person. So I agreed. And I have now learned to easily keep both faces separate. Her name, we agreed, would remain the same throughout her life. We all thought it would be easiest that way. And then the story skips to April. I hope you aren’t asleep yet.
Amanda Miya was born just shortly after midnight, after a labor that had lasted for a couple of days. As she was being delivered, so many thoughts ran through my head: "Please don’t let this end. I don’t want her to go", as well as "Get this over with. I can’t stand waiting any longer. I want to see her". As soon as she was born, emotions ran high among everyone that was in the delivery room. Childbirth is such an emotional thing anyway, but I think the circumstances that surrounded Amanda's birth made it even more so. There were a total of 8 people in the room when she was born: myself, Aron, my sister, sister in law, my mom's best friend (my mother chose not to participate), the doctor, the nurse and a friend of the family that was working the floor that night at the hospital. As soon as she was born, they placed her on my chest. All I could do was stare at her and cry. She was so beautiful. Even though she had not yet been completely cleaned off, I saw right through all the icky sticky stuff and I saw how beautiful she was. She was 8 lbs 8 oz, 20 inches long. She looked just like her father. I stared at her for what seemed like forever and just awed at the sight of such a beautiful being, crying the entire time.
That night, after I had been moved to the recovery room where I would be for the next 2 days, I was still very emotional as I knew what would be happening in the hours to come. I tried to keep my composure the best that I could, as I knew that Aron was a wreck inside and I did not want to make it harder for him than it already was. Aron slept on the chair next to the bed and held “beautiful” (that’s what he called her) all night. He woke up several times during the night at the littlest sounds she would make. At one point during the night, I woke up and was not able to get back to sleep as I had too much on my mind, rightfully. I lay in the bed and stared at the two of them sleeping there. I cried as I tried to imagine how the events of the next few days would pan out. I was full of uncertainties and mixed emotions. I had no idea what to expect and it bothered me.
The next morning, the visitors started arriving. The first visitor that we had was Tawnia. She showed up in a panic, and asked if everything was OK. She said she had gotten a call from the hospital nurse telling her that Aron was threatening to take the baby out of the hospital, I was having second thoughts about the adoption and I was curled up in a fetal position on the bed when the nurse came to check on me. I couldn’t help but laugh and explained to her what had really happened that morning before she arrived. Amanda had spit up on all the blankets that we had in the room and Aron went out to get some more from the nursery, which was 2 doors down from our room. He was holding Amanda as he walked out of the room. The nurses immediately came running over to him and told him that he had to put her in a basket if he wanted to take her out of the room. He was not in the best of moods anyway, given the situation. He told the nurse that he was just going to get a couple blankets and he was going right back to the room. He then explained to the nurse that it was HIS child and if he chose to, he would walk out of the hospital with her. The nurse told him that she would call security if he could not follow the rules. He told her to go ahead and call security. He was ready to take them on. After he got the blankets, he came back to the room. Needless to say, security was never called. As far as me being curled up in a fetal position, I had no idea what the nurse was talking about. I just had a baby! I was trying to get comfortable. If she came in and saw me that way, it was when I was sleeping. Tawnia was relieved when I told her what REALLY happened.
Later on that day, my brother and sister in law came back to see Amanda. They held her and loved her, as they knew it wouldn’t be long before she was going to be with her new family. A few other friends and family members came over the next 2 days, one of which was my sister. She actually came a couple of times. One time in particular really stands out in my mind and will forever. As the visit was ending, the 3 of us (Aron, Jackie and I) all got teary eyed as Jackie said her goodbyes to Amanda. She gave Aron a hug as he sat in the window sill and cried. She then walked over me as I was lying in the bed and hugged me and told me that Amanda was a very lucky little girl. She told me that Amanda was our angel and she reminded me that Aron and I were the adoptive couple’s angels as well, for doing such a thing for them. She kissed me on my forehead and then left. I still get choked up thinking about it.
Another memorable visit was from my father. Coming to the hospital to see me was one of the most wonderful things he could have done. He did not hold Amanda, I suspect because he did not want to get attached to her. I understood, as much as I would have liked him to hold her. The simple fact that he was there to see her was enough for me. That day was full of picture taking, tears shed, laughter, phone calls, and well wishes from many. The evening was a very special, yet emotional one, as we all knew it would soon be time for us to say goodbye to Amanda.
I made special arrangements for a few close family and friends to come to the hospital and give Amanda a blessing. My brother, my father, and a family friend all came and helped give her a blessing. My mother’s best friend (the one that was by my side for the birth) and another family friend were there for the event as well. That was something very special.
After that was over, Aron decided that he would go home and try to get some sleep since he was to get his son the next day for a few hours. I was hesitant to let him go given my emotional state at the time, but I agreed. He called 2 times that night to see if I was OK. He told me one of the reasons he wanted to go home was to let me have some personal time with Amanda. He knew how important it was.
That night seemed to go by so slow, yet it went by too fast. I had several hours to devote just to Amanda. I talked to her and told her how much I loved her and that she was much loved and she would be missed immensely. I cried for a while as I held her close to me. I slept with her in my arms all night. The next day was the most emotional day of the whole experience. I remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember everything about the day right down to the clothes we wore. As I woke up and got myself prepared for the day’s events, I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I did not know what to feel. I was completely numb. I could not cry, I could not laugh, I could not smile, I could not frown, and I could not focus. The only thing I was able to do was function enough to get myself dressed and then just sit and stare out the window.
Aron arrived shortly after I woke up as his plans to get his son fell through that morning. I was so incredibly happy he came back early, but I kept it inside. As the day went on, I found myself watching the clock, not looking forward to 3 PM to come. That was the time that the adoptive couple was scheduled to show up at the hospital. As the time drew closer, the more emotional I got. I stood at the window with Amanda in my arms, held her close to me and cried. Aron gave me a hug and reminded me that we were doing the right thing. He told me to keep it together as I needed all the strength I could muster for the next few hours. I sat down on the rocking chair and rocked Amanda and just stared at her.
Shortly before 3 PM, Nicki arrived. She was the fill in case worker since Tawnia had gone out of town that morning to help another birthmother. She walked in and told us that the adoptive couple was waiting in the room next to us. I remember looking at Aron and thinking, “this cannot be happening”. She explained to us what would happen and asked us if we were ready for them to come in. I said, “no, but do it anyway”. As soon as adoptive mom walked through the door, she asked me how I was doing. I looked at her and I said “could be better” and the tears poured out. She gave me a hug and said “Thank you”. Aron had taken Amanda from me at this point and was holding her by the door. As soon as he saw me start to cry, he couldn’t hold it in any longer. He began to cry as well.
The only other time I had seen Aron cry was when his father had passed away a few years prior. The couple stood against the wall as we talked. I was very appreciative that they were not pushy and did not insist on grabbing hold of Amanda as soon as they arrived. They respected the fact that this WAS the last few hours that we would have with Amanda for several years to come. I was very grateful to them for that. We discussed the birth and the few hours after. The nurse came in and explained to them how to care for her the next few days after she was home. The 2 hours that we spent together went by way too quickly. They were full of tears, laughter, and reflecting.
Shortly before it was time for them to leave, adoptive mom asked Aron if she could hold her. Aron handed Amanda to her. Adoptive mom had brought an outfit for her to go home in, since I wanted to keep the only outfit that I had of hers, which was the outfit she was blessed in the night previous. After she was dressed, it was time for everyone to go their separate ways. Again, I began to sob. Adoptive mom asked me if I wanted to hold her one more time before they left. I held Amanda in my arms as I rocked her. I stared into her eyes for what seemed like forever. I was not able to speak at all. All I could do was stare at her. There were no words spoken, yet I was saying so much. She looked at me for several minutes as if she knew what I was saying to her. For the first time in my life, I was left completely speechless. A lot of people use that figuratively speaking, but I had never experienced that before that moment. Literally, I could not utter one word. I will never forget that moment.
It was time to say goodbye. I could not bring myself to speak the words of “Goodbye”. In my mind it was not goodbye. I knew in my heart that we would be reunited one day. After several minutes of complete speechlessness, I finally was able to say, “This is not goodbye. I will see you later”. Aron took her from my arms. I remember how empty I felt at that very moment. I kept my head down, as I could not look up to see Aron handing my baby girl over to them. It was too heart wrenching. I can only imagine what he must have been feeling as he handed his little girl over to them. I could feel his pain and his heartache. As I watched them walk out the door, I was so full of relief, anger, sadness, joy, comfort and confusion all at the same time, if you can imagine that.
To be sure that there would be no conflicts of any sort, we remained in the room until we were sure they had left the hospital. Walking to the car with empty arms was such a long walk. And the drive home was such an emotional one. I ached for Amanda. I heard her cries even though she was not there. With every song I heard, I thought of her. The next few days I was a wreck. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to see anyone. I did not want to get out of bed. I was physically in pain, but even more so I was emotionally in pain. My emptiness far outweighed the physical discomfort I was in.
The couple gave us some gifts at the hospital and it took me a week to get the courage up to open them. They gave me a necklace identical to one that they purchased for Amanda to present her with on her 16th birthday. They gave Aron a small gift as well, which he chose not to open at that time. They gave my youngest girl a gift, as well. I thought that was very sweet of them to do.
Now, all we have to hold on to are memories of the 2 days we had with her, which will be in our minds and our hearts forever, and some mementos that we kept from the hospital, such as her blanket, her blessing outfit and her hospital bracelet. I also hold onto the hopes that we can be reunited again and she will know and understand of our love for her and why we did what we did. She is never gone from our hearts or our minds.We both know and are firm in that we made the right decision for our daughter. As hard as it was to say goodbye, we did it for her. We were selfless enough to think of her needs first, as parents do. And... we did not give her up. We gave her more...
by Emmy
When I was 16 years old, my boyfriend and I found out that I was pregnant (1994). We planned to marry the following June. In April, we lost the baby at 12 weeks along. It was very devastating for both of us, even though we were not ready to be parents. We decided to go ahead with the wedding but pushed it out until September. Two days before the wedding (Sept. 24) we found out we were pregnant with my oldest daughter. She was born in May 1995. In June1997, we had my son, Michael. We separated December of that same year. I moved out of the house we had purchased together and was staying with some friends in a very small apartment, leaving our children with their father. I was only intending to be gone for a very short time, just to clear my head. Two weeks later, I was served with divorce papers and a restraining order preventing me from entering the home to see my children. After 5 months of court battles, our divorce was final on May 5, 1998 and he was awarded custody of our children.My first husband remarried in October1998. As soon as step-mom came into my children’s lives, she has been trying to push me further and further away from them. In 2002, she got what she wanted when they moved out of state. I get visitation: 4 weeks in the summer and every other Christmas. I have received only a few letters and seldom talk to them on the phone since they have been gone. I think the step-mom blocks me from contact as much as possible. I pay child support to their father. While divorcing, I ran into my very first love, Bill. (We met when I was 14 years old) We married in August 1998, one day before I turned 21. I had problems in my second marriage from day one. We fought constantly. We had a daughter together. After her birth (October 1999), our marriage deteriorated again and we divorced October 2001. I was awarded custody of this daughter and he has visitation. When we separated, I moved into my own apartment and a few months. Later filed bankruptcy due to the debt that was left after BOTH marriages. My lease was up, and I knew that I would not be able to find another apartment easily with a bankruptcy on my credit. My best friend of 17 years, Aron, told me I could move into his house and pay what I could afford for rent. After being through two marriages and being dumped on so much, I told him that if I lived there, he could not. He agreed and moved out to his cousin’s house. I moved into Aron's home in January 2001. By March, our relationship went to a whole new level. We both felt it was the right time to express our true feelings for each other which had been growing for quite some time. Both of us had been through nasty divorces and withheld our feelings. We decided that we would take things VERY slow, day by day and see what happened. After 17 years of friendship, we had been through everything together and knew we had a lot in common. He moved back into his house in April and we were still in agreement that there couldn’t be anything sexual going on between us for several reasons. We DID share the same bed and all that, but believe it or not, we didn’t even kiss until June 2001. It was wonderful and we both felt it!! Anyway, we talked about our future together and what we both had in mind for kids, house, wedding, etc. You name it, we talked about it. In August 2001, our relationship leaped to a REALLY high level quickly.
We were finally intimate and we found out I was pregnant. BAD TIMING! for both of us. From that moment on, our relationship was not the same. I actually moved out for about a month because of the tension and stress. I moved back in December of that year and had my own bedroom with my daughter. Aron moved into the other room. When I first found out that I was pregnant, naturally I told myself and everyone else that I was keeping the baby no matter what. Abortion is NEVER an option for me. And how in the heck could I even think of giving MY child to someone else??? But after several nights of crying myself to sleep worrying about how I was going to make it on my own with two small children, I sat down with Aron and told him I would go and talk to someone. I wasn’t going to agree to do the adoption, but I said I would talk to someone. He was relieved because he had felt all along that adoption was the best. We went to talk to someone the following week. We went through my church Adoption Agency, LDS Family Services. If I was going to do this, I was set on placing my child with someone with the same values and morals as myself. Aron agreed. We finally decided to place our baby. We picked the family and met them in February face to face. Immediately I knew that they were the family to raise our child.After we had chosen the adoptive couple, I called a very good friend of mine and told her that we had chosen the family. She asked what their name was and I told her. We only knew their first names at the time. She immediately began to cry and said, “They were my neighbors in my previous neighborhood and they are the best”. I knew that God had a hand in sending this adoptive couple to us. That was just too weird. The way we picked them was I had requested someone that knew Sign Language, as I am planning on pursuing a career in Interpreting. Adoptive mom is an interpreter. Aron is very much into guns, and adoptive dad is also. So this family was meant for us. At the face to face meeting, Adoptive mom had asked us if we knew what the sex was. At the time, we did not. She told us that if we found out, then we could give them some suggestions for names. So the next week, I got an ultrasound and found out we were having a girl. I tell ya, I was not emotionally prepared to find out what the sex was. I was a wreck anyway dealing with all the emotions of the adoption and all, and that was enough to kill me. I came home and told Aron it was a girl and he lost it. He had a 5 year old son and had always wanted a little girl. So that was really hard. I called Tawnia the next day and told her to call the couple and tell them that we were having a girl, and the name we had picked was Miya. So two days later, we received a call from Tawnia saying that they really liked the name Amanda and would be happy to give her the middle name of Miya. When I first heard “Amanda”, I said NO WAY knowing that my first husband’s wife had that name. But then I thought about it and it is a rather nice name, just has a bad face to it for one person. So I agreed. And I have now learned to easily keep both faces separate. Her name, we agreed, would remain the same throughout her life. We all thought it would be easiest that way. And then the story skips to April. I hope you aren’t asleep yet.
Amanda Miya was born just shortly after midnight, after a labor that had lasted for a couple of days. As she was being delivered, so many thoughts ran through my head: "Please don’t let this end. I don’t want her to go", as well as "Get this over with. I can’t stand waiting any longer. I want to see her". As soon as she was born, emotions ran high among everyone that was in the delivery room. Childbirth is such an emotional thing anyway, but I think the circumstances that surrounded Amanda's birth made it even more so. There were a total of 8 people in the room when she was born: myself, Aron, my sister, sister in law, my mom's best friend (my mother chose not to participate), the doctor, the nurse and a friend of the family that was working the floor that night at the hospital. As soon as she was born, they placed her on my chest. All I could do was stare at her and cry. She was so beautiful. Even though she had not yet been completely cleaned off, I saw right through all the icky sticky stuff and I saw how beautiful she was. She was 8 lbs 8 oz, 20 inches long. She looked just like her father. I stared at her for what seemed like forever and just awed at the sight of such a beautiful being, crying the entire time.
That night, after I had been moved to the recovery room where I would be for the next 2 days, I was still very emotional as I knew what would be happening in the hours to come. I tried to keep my composure the best that I could, as I knew that Aron was a wreck inside and I did not want to make it harder for him than it already was. Aron slept on the chair next to the bed and held “beautiful” (that’s what he called her) all night. He woke up several times during the night at the littlest sounds she would make. At one point during the night, I woke up and was not able to get back to sleep as I had too much on my mind, rightfully. I lay in the bed and stared at the two of them sleeping there. I cried as I tried to imagine how the events of the next few days would pan out. I was full of uncertainties and mixed emotions. I had no idea what to expect and it bothered me.
The next morning, the visitors started arriving. The first visitor that we had was Tawnia. She showed up in a panic, and asked if everything was OK. She said she had gotten a call from the hospital nurse telling her that Aron was threatening to take the baby out of the hospital, I was having second thoughts about the adoption and I was curled up in a fetal position on the bed when the nurse came to check on me. I couldn’t help but laugh and explained to her what had really happened that morning before she arrived. Amanda had spit up on all the blankets that we had in the room and Aron went out to get some more from the nursery, which was 2 doors down from our room. He was holding Amanda as he walked out of the room. The nurses immediately came running over to him and told him that he had to put her in a basket if he wanted to take her out of the room. He was not in the best of moods anyway, given the situation. He told the nurse that he was just going to get a couple blankets and he was going right back to the room. He then explained to the nurse that it was HIS child and if he chose to, he would walk out of the hospital with her. The nurse told him that she would call security if he could not follow the rules. He told her to go ahead and call security. He was ready to take them on. After he got the blankets, he came back to the room. Needless to say, security was never called. As far as me being curled up in a fetal position, I had no idea what the nurse was talking about. I just had a baby! I was trying to get comfortable. If she came in and saw me that way, it was when I was sleeping. Tawnia was relieved when I told her what REALLY happened.
Later on that day, my brother and sister in law came back to see Amanda. They held her and loved her, as they knew it wouldn’t be long before she was going to be with her new family. A few other friends and family members came over the next 2 days, one of which was my sister. She actually came a couple of times. One time in particular really stands out in my mind and will forever. As the visit was ending, the 3 of us (Aron, Jackie and I) all got teary eyed as Jackie said her goodbyes to Amanda. She gave Aron a hug as he sat in the window sill and cried. She then walked over me as I was lying in the bed and hugged me and told me that Amanda was a very lucky little girl. She told me that Amanda was our angel and she reminded me that Aron and I were the adoptive couple’s angels as well, for doing such a thing for them. She kissed me on my forehead and then left. I still get choked up thinking about it.
Another memorable visit was from my father. Coming to the hospital to see me was one of the most wonderful things he could have done. He did not hold Amanda, I suspect because he did not want to get attached to her. I understood, as much as I would have liked him to hold her. The simple fact that he was there to see her was enough for me. That day was full of picture taking, tears shed, laughter, phone calls, and well wishes from many. The evening was a very special, yet emotional one, as we all knew it would soon be time for us to say goodbye to Amanda.
I made special arrangements for a few close family and friends to come to the hospital and give Amanda a blessing. My brother, my father, and a family friend all came and helped give her a blessing. My mother’s best friend (the one that was by my side for the birth) and another family friend were there for the event as well. That was something very special.
After that was over, Aron decided that he would go home and try to get some sleep since he was to get his son the next day for a few hours. I was hesitant to let him go given my emotional state at the time, but I agreed. He called 2 times that night to see if I was OK. He told me one of the reasons he wanted to go home was to let me have some personal time with Amanda. He knew how important it was.
That night seemed to go by so slow, yet it went by too fast. I had several hours to devote just to Amanda. I talked to her and told her how much I loved her and that she was much loved and she would be missed immensely. I cried for a while as I held her close to me. I slept with her in my arms all night. The next day was the most emotional day of the whole experience. I remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember everything about the day right down to the clothes we wore. As I woke up and got myself prepared for the day’s events, I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I did not know what to feel. I was completely numb. I could not cry, I could not laugh, I could not smile, I could not frown, and I could not focus. The only thing I was able to do was function enough to get myself dressed and then just sit and stare out the window.
Aron arrived shortly after I woke up as his plans to get his son fell through that morning. I was so incredibly happy he came back early, but I kept it inside. As the day went on, I found myself watching the clock, not looking forward to 3 PM to come. That was the time that the adoptive couple was scheduled to show up at the hospital. As the time drew closer, the more emotional I got. I stood at the window with Amanda in my arms, held her close to me and cried. Aron gave me a hug and reminded me that we were doing the right thing. He told me to keep it together as I needed all the strength I could muster for the next few hours. I sat down on the rocking chair and rocked Amanda and just stared at her.
Shortly before 3 PM, Nicki arrived. She was the fill in case worker since Tawnia had gone out of town that morning to help another birthmother. She walked in and told us that the adoptive couple was waiting in the room next to us. I remember looking at Aron and thinking, “this cannot be happening”. She explained to us what would happen and asked us if we were ready for them to come in. I said, “no, but do it anyway”. As soon as adoptive mom walked through the door, she asked me how I was doing. I looked at her and I said “could be better” and the tears poured out. She gave me a hug and said “Thank you”. Aron had taken Amanda from me at this point and was holding her by the door. As soon as he saw me start to cry, he couldn’t hold it in any longer. He began to cry as well.
The only other time I had seen Aron cry was when his father had passed away a few years prior. The couple stood against the wall as we talked. I was very appreciative that they were not pushy and did not insist on grabbing hold of Amanda as soon as they arrived. They respected the fact that this WAS the last few hours that we would have with Amanda for several years to come. I was very grateful to them for that. We discussed the birth and the few hours after. The nurse came in and explained to them how to care for her the next few days after she was home. The 2 hours that we spent together went by way too quickly. They were full of tears, laughter, and reflecting.
Shortly before it was time for them to leave, adoptive mom asked Aron if she could hold her. Aron handed Amanda to her. Adoptive mom had brought an outfit for her to go home in, since I wanted to keep the only outfit that I had of hers, which was the outfit she was blessed in the night previous. After she was dressed, it was time for everyone to go their separate ways. Again, I began to sob. Adoptive mom asked me if I wanted to hold her one more time before they left. I held Amanda in my arms as I rocked her. I stared into her eyes for what seemed like forever. I was not able to speak at all. All I could do was stare at her. There were no words spoken, yet I was saying so much. She looked at me for several minutes as if she knew what I was saying to her. For the first time in my life, I was left completely speechless. A lot of people use that figuratively speaking, but I had never experienced that before that moment. Literally, I could not utter one word. I will never forget that moment.
It was time to say goodbye. I could not bring myself to speak the words of “Goodbye”. In my mind it was not goodbye. I knew in my heart that we would be reunited one day. After several minutes of complete speechlessness, I finally was able to say, “This is not goodbye. I will see you later”. Aron took her from my arms. I remember how empty I felt at that very moment. I kept my head down, as I could not look up to see Aron handing my baby girl over to them. It was too heart wrenching. I can only imagine what he must have been feeling as he handed his little girl over to them. I could feel his pain and his heartache. As I watched them walk out the door, I was so full of relief, anger, sadness, joy, comfort and confusion all at the same time, if you can imagine that.
To be sure that there would be no conflicts of any sort, we remained in the room until we were sure they had left the hospital. Walking to the car with empty arms was such a long walk. And the drive home was such an emotional one. I ached for Amanda. I heard her cries even though she was not there. With every song I heard, I thought of her. The next few days I was a wreck. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to see anyone. I did not want to get out of bed. I was physically in pain, but even more so I was emotionally in pain. My emptiness far outweighed the physical discomfort I was in.
The couple gave us some gifts at the hospital and it took me a week to get the courage up to open them. They gave me a necklace identical to one that they purchased for Amanda to present her with on her 16th birthday. They gave Aron a small gift as well, which he chose not to open at that time. They gave my youngest girl a gift, as well. I thought that was very sweet of them to do.
Now, all we have to hold on to are memories of the 2 days we had with her, which will be in our minds and our hearts forever, and some mementos that we kept from the hospital, such as her blanket, her blessing outfit and her hospital bracelet. I also hold onto the hopes that we can be reunited again and she will know and understand of our love for her and why we did what we did. She is never gone from our hearts or our minds.We both know and are firm in that we made the right decision for our daughter. As hard as it was to say goodbye, we did it for her. We were selfless enough to think of her needs first, as parents do. And... we did not give her up. We gave her more...
by Emmy
GROUP
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
We had Birth Parent group again. Currently, we have been meeting every other Monday for about 1 ½ hours to visit and share information. This meeting was the “Christmas Party”. The attendees brought cookies to exchange and a “white elephant” gift. I usually don’t enjoy the gag gift game because it seems like such a waste of time. Tonight, all the gifts were something that someone (or at least me) would want and could use. As I watched, I was pleased for the 5 birth moms attending because they would go home with a cookie tray and a gift. Being pregnant, single and sometimes young, can feel like an alone and scary time. What is going to happen to me? How will I get through this? What will people think or how will they treat me? Group can help a girl feel less alone.
We had a new visitor to group tonight. She is currently living on a military base and feeling somewhat isolated. She enjoyed the contact with other women in the same situation she was in. Several time she said to one of the other girls, “that is just like me (my situation)”. I felt happy for her that she wouldn’t have to be as alone as she had been because she came to group. She also mentioned that she was “confused”. I explained that was normal. During pregnancy, the hormones are up and down. That can also affect the decision process. Placing a child for adoption, single parenting or marriage are all important decisions. Each comes with consequences that are not fully known. Placing a child for adoption and being in the child’s life on a day to day basis can seem impossible to bear. Raising a child alone as a single mother, facing the challenges alone, over and over can also be overwhelming and far longer lasting to a young woman and to the child. Therefore the decision can fluctuate as information is gathered. It is a decision that takes maturity and uses the head and the heart. I often ask the questions—“who are you thinking of, the child or yourself?”
Because I have been a part of group for 15 years, it sometimes seems boring to me—especially if no one picks up the conversation. I know, however, that attending group offers a support to these girls as they gather information to aid them in their decision. Some girls have already decided to place. In group they can learn about how other girls placed their child and what that experience was like. Several weeks ago, I asked a past Birth Mom to come to group and share her story. She was 16 years old at the time of her pregnancy. She kept. For over 4 years she struggled through life with birth father, various relationships with friends and boys, ups/downs with parents. She loves her daughter and wishes she had placed her for adoption. “C” is now recently married which brings up new challenges. When she was 16 years old, she hoped that some day she would work in the legal field. At this time of her life, she hasn’t graduated from high school and has trouble keeping a job due to juggling a child and the stress in her life. She loves her child, she also see the struggles she has with her daughter as she, as the mother, tries to get through life. Now, she wishes she could give her daughter more and that she had more to give to herself.
We had Birth Parent group again. Currently, we have been meeting every other Monday for about 1 ½ hours to visit and share information. This meeting was the “Christmas Party”. The attendees brought cookies to exchange and a “white elephant” gift. I usually don’t enjoy the gag gift game because it seems like such a waste of time. Tonight, all the gifts were something that someone (or at least me) would want and could use. As I watched, I was pleased for the 5 birth moms attending because they would go home with a cookie tray and a gift. Being pregnant, single and sometimes young, can feel like an alone and scary time. What is going to happen to me? How will I get through this? What will people think or how will they treat me? Group can help a girl feel less alone.
We had a new visitor to group tonight. She is currently living on a military base and feeling somewhat isolated. She enjoyed the contact with other women in the same situation she was in. Several time she said to one of the other girls, “that is just like me (my situation)”. I felt happy for her that she wouldn’t have to be as alone as she had been because she came to group. She also mentioned that she was “confused”. I explained that was normal. During pregnancy, the hormones are up and down. That can also affect the decision process. Placing a child for adoption, single parenting or marriage are all important decisions. Each comes with consequences that are not fully known. Placing a child for adoption and being in the child’s life on a day to day basis can seem impossible to bear. Raising a child alone as a single mother, facing the challenges alone, over and over can also be overwhelming and far longer lasting to a young woman and to the child. Therefore the decision can fluctuate as information is gathered. It is a decision that takes maturity and uses the head and the heart. I often ask the questions—“who are you thinking of, the child or yourself?”
Because I have been a part of group for 15 years, it sometimes seems boring to me—especially if no one picks up the conversation. I know, however, that attending group offers a support to these girls as they gather information to aid them in their decision. Some girls have already decided to place. In group they can learn about how other girls placed their child and what that experience was like. Several weeks ago, I asked a past Birth Mom to come to group and share her story. She was 16 years old at the time of her pregnancy. She kept. For over 4 years she struggled through life with birth father, various relationships with friends and boys, ups/downs with parents. She loves her daughter and wishes she had placed her for adoption. “C” is now recently married which brings up new challenges. When she was 16 years old, she hoped that some day she would work in the legal field. At this time of her life, she hasn’t graduated from high school and has trouble keeping a job due to juggling a child and the stress in her life. She loves her child, she also see the struggles she has with her daughter as she, as the mother, tries to get through life. Now, she wishes she could give her daughter more and that she had more to give to herself.
Sunday, April 26, 2009
BETH
Sunday, December 11, 2005
I smile just thinking of her…I met Beth over 14 years ago. She came to the office, barely pregnant and already deciding she was going to place the baby for adoption. Her mother was devastated. The night Beth told her parents, her mom jumped into a car and took off driving until she was pulled over by a cop. One look at the woman’s tear stained face and the coped asked, “did you just find out your daughter is pregnant?” Mom cried some more and eventually returned home. (Most girls tell me it wasn’t so bad telling the parents.)
Beth was an energetic and positive girl. She seemed to make the best of a difficult situation. She felt it was in her child’s best interest to be placed for adoption with a family that had 2 parents and the ability to care for a child. She looked at adoptive couple profiles and immediately identified a couple that she knew was right for her child. (Back then all she could look at was a one page profile with non-identifying information.) She told me she felt good about them and that they were “the ones”.
Beth and I continued to meet together weekly, talking through adoption issues and family concerns. She decided to move into a foster home as she went through this process. She stayed with 2 families that were loving and supportive. Beth shared with me how she became pregnant—sounded like date rape to me. She had been at a home with a young man that she was just “hanging out” with. When she came out of the bath room, he pounced on her and the next thing she knew, she was pregnant. She knew her life style had lead to this consequence.
Being pregnant was an opportunity for Beth to decide where she was going in life. She used this time as an opportunity for change. As uncomfortable as she became, she still had an infectious laugh. I remember her coming into group and calling herself a “beached whale” as she would lie on the floor, searching for a way to be comfortable. The adult group coordinator, at the time, thought this was inappropriate and would become frustrated with her. I thought Beth was cute and just a young girl trying to get through a difficult time.In the weekly group meetings, Beth became friends with the other girls—we had a big group then. We knew when each was due, what the sex of the baby was and if the decision was: place, keep, undecided.
Beth is 32 years old now. We still keep in touch. Her daughter is 14 years old and was placed for adoption. The above mentioned group coordinator no longer helps out (thank goodness). Beth married and had 4 more children. Her children all know about her first daughter. She is a fun, energetic and excellent mother. That marriage didn’t last (she found a man that was immature and selfish), eventually ending in divorce. Once again, Beth chose to learn from her experience rather than be bitter.
She has recently remarried and is thriving.Beth has been an example to me with her faith in Heavenly Father. I admire her energy, positive attitude and joy in life. Because of what she has been through, she has wanted to help other girls. At one time, she was the “group coordinator”. You can bet she didn’t get frustrated with girls that lay on the floor. Beth sees adoption as a positive experience in her life. Even with the limited information she received from her adoptive couple (at that time she wasn’t able to meet or see a photo of them and only received pictures for 6 months), she knows what she did was right for her and her daughter. She hopes some day to meet her oldest child.
I smile just thinking of her…I met Beth over 14 years ago. She came to the office, barely pregnant and already deciding she was going to place the baby for adoption. Her mother was devastated. The night Beth told her parents, her mom jumped into a car and took off driving until she was pulled over by a cop. One look at the woman’s tear stained face and the coped asked, “did you just find out your daughter is pregnant?” Mom cried some more and eventually returned home. (Most girls tell me it wasn’t so bad telling the parents.)
Beth was an energetic and positive girl. She seemed to make the best of a difficult situation. She felt it was in her child’s best interest to be placed for adoption with a family that had 2 parents and the ability to care for a child. She looked at adoptive couple profiles and immediately identified a couple that she knew was right for her child. (Back then all she could look at was a one page profile with non-identifying information.) She told me she felt good about them and that they were “the ones”.
Beth and I continued to meet together weekly, talking through adoption issues and family concerns. She decided to move into a foster home as she went through this process. She stayed with 2 families that were loving and supportive. Beth shared with me how she became pregnant—sounded like date rape to me. She had been at a home with a young man that she was just “hanging out” with. When she came out of the bath room, he pounced on her and the next thing she knew, she was pregnant. She knew her life style had lead to this consequence.
Being pregnant was an opportunity for Beth to decide where she was going in life. She used this time as an opportunity for change. As uncomfortable as she became, she still had an infectious laugh. I remember her coming into group and calling herself a “beached whale” as she would lie on the floor, searching for a way to be comfortable. The adult group coordinator, at the time, thought this was inappropriate and would become frustrated with her. I thought Beth was cute and just a young girl trying to get through a difficult time.In the weekly group meetings, Beth became friends with the other girls—we had a big group then. We knew when each was due, what the sex of the baby was and if the decision was: place, keep, undecided.
Beth is 32 years old now. We still keep in touch. Her daughter is 14 years old and was placed for adoption. The above mentioned group coordinator no longer helps out (thank goodness). Beth married and had 4 more children. Her children all know about her first daughter. She is a fun, energetic and excellent mother. That marriage didn’t last (she found a man that was immature and selfish), eventually ending in divorce. Once again, Beth chose to learn from her experience rather than be bitter.
She has recently remarried and is thriving.Beth has been an example to me with her faith in Heavenly Father. I admire her energy, positive attitude and joy in life. Because of what she has been through, she has wanted to help other girls. At one time, she was the “group coordinator”. You can bet she didn’t get frustrated with girls that lay on the floor. Beth sees adoption as a positive experience in her life. Even with the limited information she received from her adoptive couple (at that time she wasn’t able to meet or see a photo of them and only received pictures for 6 months), she knows what she did was right for her and her daughter. She hopes some day to meet her oldest child.
WONDERING
Thursday, December 15, 2005
I had driven to Oregon for the weekend to spend some time with my step daughter and her family. She was about 4 years old when her daddy and I got married. She has been a part of our family since that time by visiting over the summer for several weeks. We have grown close over the years. Although I am not her “mother” and her mom is alive and involved in her life, we still enjoy each other and I am a grandma to her 5 children.
As I was driving home alone, I had time to think. I was reflecting on the stress I was experiencing due to the holidays. I thought to myself (since I was alone, I actually had time to think. In fact, that is about all I could do was think or listen to the radio.) I decided I didn’t like the stress I was experiencing with the holidays and wondered what I could do about it. I have learned in the last few years that I am more insightful than I thought I was if I “wonder”. That is when my insights or revelations come. It is really cool, actually, and a gift I tell myself to use more often.So, I was wondering what I could do different next Christmas season.
I came up with some ideas:
1. I will put a little money aside from each pay check to be saved up for Christmas gift giving. I get stressed out over spending, even if there is money to spend. I decided if I plan for the money, save it up, I will feel less stressed and enjoy the process of gift giving more.
2. I will take a lesson from my daughter. She comes up with thoughtful gifts. I am going to think about the person (that is close to wondering) throughout the year and gather ideas of what I think they might enjoy for Christmas. I can even purchase it anytime I desire.
3. If I decide to do Christmas cards, I will do it over the Thanksgiving Holiday so it isn’t so rushed.
4. I will spend the entire year, making the gifts I want to make so they are done prior to Thanksgiving time. That will give me pleasure all year as I am able to create gifts for others.
My point in sharing these ideas that are probably so simple to someone else, are:
1. I think it is important to learn from our life experiences. So often we go through difficult challenges only to repeat them in some form because we didn’t learn. I think it is important that we find positive lessons in life experience. A positive learning empowers the learner and is used to help the future. What a shame it would be for a woman to place her baby for adoption and never see the positive in the experience.
2. “Wondering” is a way to let insights come. The brain is an amazing thing. It wants to help us work things out. Take time to wonder sometimes and see what comes.If something isn’t working in your life, you can continue to do the same thing over and over or decide to do something different. Too often, women continue in unhealthy relationships rather that deciding she will do something different. I hope that these words help someone take charge of her life in a new way. I find life to be an amazing experience, especially when I am aware.
I had driven to Oregon for the weekend to spend some time with my step daughter and her family. She was about 4 years old when her daddy and I got married. She has been a part of our family since that time by visiting over the summer for several weeks. We have grown close over the years. Although I am not her “mother” and her mom is alive and involved in her life, we still enjoy each other and I am a grandma to her 5 children.
As I was driving home alone, I had time to think. I was reflecting on the stress I was experiencing due to the holidays. I thought to myself (since I was alone, I actually had time to think. In fact, that is about all I could do was think or listen to the radio.) I decided I didn’t like the stress I was experiencing with the holidays and wondered what I could do about it. I have learned in the last few years that I am more insightful than I thought I was if I “wonder”. That is when my insights or revelations come. It is really cool, actually, and a gift I tell myself to use more often.So, I was wondering what I could do different next Christmas season.
I came up with some ideas:
1. I will put a little money aside from each pay check to be saved up for Christmas gift giving. I get stressed out over spending, even if there is money to spend. I decided if I plan for the money, save it up, I will feel less stressed and enjoy the process of gift giving more.
2. I will take a lesson from my daughter. She comes up with thoughtful gifts. I am going to think about the person (that is close to wondering) throughout the year and gather ideas of what I think they might enjoy for Christmas. I can even purchase it anytime I desire.
3. If I decide to do Christmas cards, I will do it over the Thanksgiving Holiday so it isn’t so rushed.
4. I will spend the entire year, making the gifts I want to make so they are done prior to Thanksgiving time. That will give me pleasure all year as I am able to create gifts for others.
My point in sharing these ideas that are probably so simple to someone else, are:
1. I think it is important to learn from our life experiences. So often we go through difficult challenges only to repeat them in some form because we didn’t learn. I think it is important that we find positive lessons in life experience. A positive learning empowers the learner and is used to help the future. What a shame it would be for a woman to place her baby for adoption and never see the positive in the experience.
2. “Wondering” is a way to let insights come. The brain is an amazing thing. It wants to help us work things out. Take time to wonder sometimes and see what comes.If something isn’t working in your life, you can continue to do the same thing over and over or decide to do something different. Too often, women continue in unhealthy relationships rather that deciding she will do something different. I hope that these words help someone take charge of her life in a new way. I find life to be an amazing experience, especially when I am aware.
In the Beginning-----my FIRST blog
October 2005
In the beginning...
When I was a little girl, I had an older brother and 2 younger sisters. I eventually became a big sister to a little brother. I was 8 years old when he was born and I was so excited. I remember coming home from school to be told I had a new brother.
I quickly changed clothes (we had to wear dresses to school in those “olden days”) and ran to the neighbors to tell them I had a new brother.I told myself that he was special to me and I was special to him. I guess I “mothered” him. Childhood fantasy.
Another childhood game I had was another “mothering” game. I must admit that I come by nurturing by nature. I am a natural “care giver”. So, the game included me, my 2 younger sisters and many, many dolls. The dolls were accumulated over the years from Santa. Each year he would give me and by sisters a doll. I don’t remember wanting one, but I always got one. I took good care of my dolls so Santa would be pleased (yes I was a “pleaser” also) and give me a gift next year. Sometimes, I would organize my sisters and dolls in our bedroom. We would see how many dolls we had before placing the dolls in various locations throughout our house. The 3 sisters would reunite in the bedroom again and wait for a minute. Shortly, I would walk through the house again and much to my surprise, find all these children waiting to be found and in need of love. I would gather them up and take them home.
I didn’t give that “game” much thought until one evening I was preparing for a presentation about Birth Mothers. I was wondering (I will talk another time about the powers of wondering) what to say when I recalled my childhood game. I was shocked at how the game seemed similar to my current employment responsibilities.
I work with girls or women who are pregnant and deciding if they want to consider placing their baby for adoption.I have at times wondered if I am doing my life’s mission.
When I had the above realization—I had to wonder if any other girls played the “find the baby” game. Perhaps I am doing a life mission—or at least one of them.Being involved with Birth Mothers through the decision process has its ups and downs. I have met many wonderful young women and worked with volunteers that have helped along the way. I have had experiences that I cherish. I have cried with others. I have prayed for help, support, and comfort for others. Sometimes I say, “I have done all that I can” and let go.
Over the years, I have seen changes. I considered writing a book at one time. The point of the book was to be a support to women going through this process of making a decision that would impact their life. There seemed to be support for the Adoptive Parents and information for the child that was adopted, but was lacking in support for Birth Mothers. The idea of a book fell by the wayside. This latest attempt was sparked by a young friend with her own BLOG page. As I listened to her, I thought perhaps I could reach many Birth Moms and help them connect to other Birth Moms, building a SUPPORT NETWORK. My hope is to give back to the women that I have come to love and admire.
In the beginning...
When I was a little girl, I had an older brother and 2 younger sisters. I eventually became a big sister to a little brother. I was 8 years old when he was born and I was so excited. I remember coming home from school to be told I had a new brother.
I quickly changed clothes (we had to wear dresses to school in those “olden days”) and ran to the neighbors to tell them I had a new brother.I told myself that he was special to me and I was special to him. I guess I “mothered” him. Childhood fantasy.
Another childhood game I had was another “mothering” game. I must admit that I come by nurturing by nature. I am a natural “care giver”. So, the game included me, my 2 younger sisters and many, many dolls. The dolls were accumulated over the years from Santa. Each year he would give me and by sisters a doll. I don’t remember wanting one, but I always got one. I took good care of my dolls so Santa would be pleased (yes I was a “pleaser” also) and give me a gift next year. Sometimes, I would organize my sisters and dolls in our bedroom. We would see how many dolls we had before placing the dolls in various locations throughout our house. The 3 sisters would reunite in the bedroom again and wait for a minute. Shortly, I would walk through the house again and much to my surprise, find all these children waiting to be found and in need of love. I would gather them up and take them home.
I didn’t give that “game” much thought until one evening I was preparing for a presentation about Birth Mothers. I was wondering (I will talk another time about the powers of wondering) what to say when I recalled my childhood game. I was shocked at how the game seemed similar to my current employment responsibilities.
I work with girls or women who are pregnant and deciding if they want to consider placing their baby for adoption.I have at times wondered if I am doing my life’s mission.
When I had the above realization—I had to wonder if any other girls played the “find the baby” game. Perhaps I am doing a life mission—or at least one of them.Being involved with Birth Mothers through the decision process has its ups and downs. I have met many wonderful young women and worked with volunteers that have helped along the way. I have had experiences that I cherish. I have cried with others. I have prayed for help, support, and comfort for others. Sometimes I say, “I have done all that I can” and let go.
Over the years, I have seen changes. I considered writing a book at one time. The point of the book was to be a support to women going through this process of making a decision that would impact their life. There seemed to be support for the Adoptive Parents and information for the child that was adopted, but was lacking in support for Birth Mothers. The idea of a book fell by the wayside. This latest attempt was sparked by a young friend with her own BLOG page. As I listened to her, I thought perhaps I could reach many Birth Moms and help them connect to other Birth Moms, building a SUPPORT NETWORK. My hope is to give back to the women that I have come to love and admire.
CONSOLODTION: Importing Blogs
I decided to import the 2 other Birth Mom Blogs I have into this one blog. That way, I will have less passwords and can make my entries all in one place. I do think I am getting better at all this.
The PLAN-------I will import "Birth Mother Heroes" first since it was my first blog and "Birth Mother's Unite" second. I will put each blog as it's own entry, but put it in a color so one can recognize it was from the same previous blog. I will also include the date of each entry.
Hope it works.
From now on, I will only make blog entries in:
Birth Mother Heroes Part II
Friday, April 24, 2009
ASHLEY'S STORY
A few days ago, I received a call from Ashley. I am always pleased to hear from a girl from the past. We visited and she wondered is she could get in touch with the family she placed her daughter with about 8 years ago. I discovered that she had a contact person and encouraged her to see if a connection could be made. She also shared this story with me. I hope to hear more in the near future.
Right after high school, I attended college for my first year of higher education. During that school year I had met and began to date a young man. In the beginning he was nice enough but after a few months things started changing. He began to get angry for no reason. I don't really know (or remember) what set this off but I do remember all these following details precisely.
One night in late spring he and I were out driving when I realized that I had no idea where we were. He had driven to a park and stopped the car. As we started kissing, I realized that he was being rather aggressive with me. That evening was the first of many times that he forced me to have sex with him. At the time I didn't feel like I could call it "rape" because he was my boyfriend, and boyfriends didn't do that, right?!?! I thought that I loved him but I realize now that it was nothing close to what one would call love. That night (and many others) he threatened me and told me that I could never tell anyone what had happened. This began to happen more and more frequently and after many times of ignoring my "no's" and "stop's" I finally just began to let it happen, thinking that there was nothing that I could do about it. After about two months of this happening on a regular basis, I had become numb to his actions. It's almost as if I rationalized it that if I didn't think about it (and didn't fight it) that it wasn't actually happening.
In July of 2000 as I was preparing to go to a summer semester of college, my mother approached me with a pregnancy test and did everything short of forcing me to take it. As I sat crying in her bathroom, staring at the results, at first I didn't want to believe it. I went through many stages of grief. I was still in contact with this particular young man because I was fearful of what he would do to me if I were to break up with him. I called to tell him that I needed to see him. As he was living in Portland at the time, he came to Seattle to visit that next weekend. It was then that I told him that I was pregnant. He, right then, asked me to marry him. At the time, I truly thought that I loved him, but I didn't want to get married under these circumstances. I very quickly told him "no". He didn't even say anything. He turned from me, got in his car, drive away, and I didn't hear from him again.
I tell you this (not so happy) part of this story because it I don't know who has experienced something of the same nature. I do know that regardless of how it happens, there is still nine long months of feeling ever so helpless and very alone. I never would have made it thru these long and agonizing months it if weren't for three key people; (1) my counselor at the LDS Family Services Office, (2) my Bishop, and (3) Heavenly Father.
My counselor at the LDS Family Services Office helped me cope with being pregnant at such a young age. She helped me sort out, deal with, and come to accept all the thoughts, feelings, hormone changes, body changes, life changes, etc. all while keeping the Gospel and the Plan that our Heavenly Father has for us as the foundation for each meeting that I had with her. She was someone that I could talk to without worry of judgment or ridicule. She talked me thru (yet didn't ever talk me into) all of the extremely hard decisions that I had to make over the course of a few months. She made it very clear that whether I chose to keep this child or place for adoption, that I was the only one that could make this decision! I shouldn't allow outside sources (i.e. people) effect my decision.
The Bishop played a huge role in helping me spiritually be able to take on the decisions that had to be made. In the beginning we concentrated 100% on repentance, re-connecting with Heavenly Father, and making sure that I was positioning myself back in a place where I could receive revelation from Heavenly Father and guidance from the Holy Ghost. I had weekly meetings with the Bishop to discuss my progress in the repentance process. This is important because ultimately it was only thru true repentance and regaining a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father that I was able to receive the answer to my prayers which was whether the child that I was carrying belonged with my family or with another family. I was extremely grateful to have a family that understood that the choice to keep the baby or place for adoption was completely my decision.
When I was nearly 7 months along, I finally received an answer to my prayers through a very spiritual experience. My answer was that this little girl didn’t belong to me. She belongs to another family that has been waiting for her for a long time. It was also revealed that my Mother would lead me to this family.So I was supposed to place this little child growing within me for adoption… It is so amazing that from the moment that I received that revelation and began taking the proper steps that everything fell perfectly into place.
One afternoon I went to see my counselor, told her that I had made my decision, and she immediately had me looking thru profiles of couples seeking to adopt a child. After 2-3 hours or looking thru couple profiles, no one really jumped out at me. She sent me home with a few binders or profiles, but I didn't ever even open them.Just a few days after this amazing experience, my Mother indeed led me to the family whose baby I was carrying. We worked out all of the adoption details and on March 11, 2001 (after three days in the hospital on bed rest and what seemed like the longest pregnancy ever) a beautiful little girl weighing 8lbs 6oz and 21.5-inches long was born. The first time I held her in my arms it was amazing… but amazing in the way that I got to be the vehicle thru which she came to Earth and was re-connected with her real and eternal family. I held her but knew the whole time that she was not mine.
Although this experience started from the direst of circumstances, the result was something great! It is an experience that I would never wish on anyone, yet one that if I wouldn't have gone through that, I don't know where I would be at today. Not a day goes by when I don't think of that little girl and thank her because it was though her that I was able to grow closer to my Father in Heaven. It was during this time that I really got to know Him and develop a personal relationship with Him. I know that He loves me, and I know that he loves you! And I know that he wants us to be happy! If we seek out His help, he will be there with us every step of the way!
Ashley
Thanks for sharing. Thanks for reconnecting.
I want to make sure that birth mothers understand that you can be connectected Ashley needed to repent for was the loose of herself due to a realtionship she didn't understand. She isn't the first girl I have worked with that lost her self to a boy and didn't know what to do.
Ashley's Story Unedited
Right after high school, I attended college for my first year of higher education. During that school year I had met and began to date a young man. In the beginning he was nice enough but after a few months things started changing. He began to get angry for no reason. I don't really know (or remember) what set this off but I do remember all these following details precisely.
One night in late spring he and I were out driving when I realized that I had no idea where we were. He had driven to a park and stopped the car. As we started kissing, I realized that he was being rather aggressive with me. That evening was the first of many times that he forced me to have sex with him. At the time I didn't feel like I could call it "rape" because he was my boyfriend, and boyfriends didn't do that, right?!?! I thought that I loved him but I realize now that it was nothing close to what one would call love. That night (and many others) he threatened me and told me that I could never tell anyone what had happened. This began to happen more and more frequently and after many times of ignoring my "no's" and "stop's" I finally just began to let it happen, thinking that there was nothing that I could do about it. After about two months of this happening on a regular basis, I had become numb to his actions. It's almost as if I rationalized it that if I didn't think about it (and didn't fight it) that it wasn't actually happening.
In July of 2000 as I was preparing to go to a summer semester of college, my mother approached me with a pregnancy test and did everything short of forcing me to take it. As I sat crying in her bathroom, staring at the results, at first I didn't want to believe it. I went through many stages of grief. I was still in contact with this particular young man because I was fearful of what he would do to me if I were to break up with him. I called to tell him that I needed to see him. As he was living in Portland at the time, he came to Seattle to visit that next weekend. It was then that I told him that I was pregnant. He, right then, asked me to marry him. At the time, I truly thought that I loved him, but I didn't want to get married under these circumstances. I very quickly told him "no". He didn't even say anything. He turned from me, got in his car, drive away, and I didn't hear from him again.
I tell you this (not so happy) part of this story because it I don't know who has experienced something of the same nature. I do know that regardless of how it happens, there is still nine long months of feeling ever so helpless and very alone. I never would have made it thru these long and agonizing months it if weren't for three key people; (1) my counselor at the LDS Family Services Office, (2) my Bishop, and (3) Heavenly Father.
My counselor at the LDS Family Services Office helped me cope with being pregnant at such a young age. She helped me sort out, deal with, and come to accept all the thoughts, feelings, hormone changes, body changes, life changes, etc. all while keeping the Gospel and the Plan that our Heavenly Father has for us as the foundation for each meeting that I had with her. She was someone that I could talk to without worry of judgment or ridicule. She talked me thru (yet didn't ever talk me into) all of the extremely hard decisions that I had to make over the course of a few months. She made it very clear that whether I chose to keep this child or place for adoption, that I was the only one that could make this decision! I shouldn't allow outside sources (i.e. people) effect my decision.
The Bishop played a huge role in helping me spiritually be able to take on the decisions that had to be made. In the beginning we concentrated 100% on repentance, re-connecting with Heavenly Father, and making sure that I was positioning myself back in a place where I could receive revelation from Heavenly Father and guidance from the Holy Ghost. I had weekly meetings with the Bishop to discuss my progress in the repentance process. This is important because ultimately it was only thru true repentance and regaining a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father that I was able to receive the answer to my prayers which was whether the child that I was carrying belonged with my family or with another family. I was extremely grateful to have a family that understood that the choice to keep the baby or place for adoption was completely my decision.
When I was nearly 7 months along, I finally received an answer to my prayers through a very spiritual experience. My answer was that this little girl didn’t belong to me. She belongs to another family that has been waiting for her for a long time. It was also revealed that my Mother would lead me to this family.So I was supposed to place this little child growing within me for adoption… It is so amazing that from the moment that I received that revelation and began taking the proper steps that everything fell perfectly into place.
One afternoon I went to see my counselor, told her that I had made my decision, and she immediately had me looking thru profiles of couples seeking to adopt a child. After 2-3 hours or looking thru couple profiles, no one really jumped out at me. She sent me home with a few binders or profiles, but I didn't ever even open them.Just a few days after this amazing experience, my Mother indeed led me to the family whose baby I was carrying. We worked out all of the adoption details and on March 11, 2001 (after three days in the hospital on bed rest and what seemed like the longest pregnancy ever) a beautiful little girl weighing 8lbs 6oz and 21.5-inches long was born. The first time I held her in my arms it was amazing… but amazing in the way that I got to be the vehicle thru which she came to Earth and was re-connected with her real and eternal family. I held her but knew the whole time that she was not mine.
Although this experience started from the direst of circumstances, the result was something great! It is an experience that I would never wish on anyone, yet one that if I wouldn't have gone through that, I don't know where I would be at today. Not a day goes by when I don't think of that little girl and thank her because it was though her that I was able to grow closer to my Father in Heaven. It was during this time that I really got to know Him and develop a personal relationship with Him. I know that He loves me, and I know that he loves you! And I know that he wants us to be happy! If we seek out His help, he will be there with us every step of the way!
Ashley
Thanks for sharing. Thanks for reconnecting.
I want to make sure that birth mothers understand that you can be connectected Ashley needed to repent for was the loose of herself due to a realtionship she didn't understand. She isn't the first girl I have worked with that lost her self to a boy and didn't know what to do.
Long Time No Blog
Life gets busy and I don't blog. I wish I took the time to make an entry each time I have an idea or story I want to share. Promise to do better, but no guarantees.
Tonight, I am a little "laid up" because of my carpel tunnel surgery. I can't do everything, but I can do the key board. So tonight I will write down all my blog addresses to send out to people that have been asking. Make a few entries . And get better organized.
I have my First blog------"Birth Parent Heroes"
This blog ------"Birth Mother Heroes Part II"----created because I couldn't get into the first blog.
I have a recently added "therapy blog" at
Tonight, I am a little "laid up" because of my carpel tunnel surgery. I can't do everything, but I can do the key board. So tonight I will write down all my blog addresses to send out to people that have been asking. Make a few entries . And get better organized.
I have my First blog------"Birth Parent Heroes"
This blog ------"Birth Mother Heroes Part II"----created because I couldn't get into the first blog.
I have a recently added "therapy blog" at
blog.tawniams.com
Which is connected to my web page for private practice
I even have an email, but I can't remember what is it.
I will start my best intentions by making an entry following this update.
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