Saturday, January 8, 2011

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


Birthmother Quilt

We had our local FSA conference November 5 - 6, 2010. This year, Tara and I planned a class each hour fir Birthmothers. Some of the classes:

1. Adoption Advocate
2. Birthmother panel
3. Soul collage Art
4. Grief through Movement
5. Group
6. Post placement communication

I finished the Birthmother quilt and had is on display. The raffle was GREAT!

We had a tamale dinner and BBQ Pork sandwich lunch---all food was excellent. The fireside on Friday had the theme of growing through adversity.

I thought the conference was excellent. I was disappointed in the low attendance.

Display from Adoption Advocacy Class


These messages were written on paper and placed in a balloon which was blown up, popped. The popper of the balloon then read the message as all the birth mothers honored the feelings shared. This activity occurred at the 3rd Annual Birthmother Retreat at Zion’s camp on September 12, 2010.

• Placement was scary, hurtful, but I’m happy that he is with a family he is loved by an event I won’t ever forget.

• Spiritually divine looking at the face of god pure grace perfection beautiful. If I could freeze time and hold this baby forever I would but I can’t , what it was all about the ultimate mother-love: sacrifice loving somebody is wanting the best for them, whether it involves you or not. Everything I had planned and worked towards and set in place and strived for: All my efforts and desires and decisions plus plans plus heaps plus dreams….were all for THIS moment

• An amazing scary lonely journey there is a little man out there that I love more than I love anything and I must trust someone else to love him as much as I do so much more than I expect.

• Placement, Bitter Sweet didn’t want to let go, but I knew it was right. Can’t deny the feelings I received when I prayed and prayed about what to do… Even though she didn’t have the perfect life I still feel for whatever reason it was she was where she suppose to be. I LOVE YOU FOREVEAR Rachel.

• I’m grateful for the openness the adoptive couple is willing to offer me. I am surprised at how emotional I still feel and the number of hard days I’ve had lately I pray for my relationship with my daughter and her adoptive parents continues to go so well and mill always able to stay to open as we did now I love and miss my daughter every day!

• Day of placement, I remember looking at her little feet my last time and hugging her and kissing her goodbye. I then placed her into the arms of Tawnia’s assistant and said goodbye one of the saddest days of my life.

• I always knew I did the right thing for him and me.

• With tears and a broken heart, I put him in her arms. I wonder if he’ll want to meet me when he’s older, or if he’ll resent me for what I did. I’m so afraid of missing his life.

• It was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. It’s a moment in time that stays with you forever. As much as I miss her I love her more. All that I have learned and all that she has been given confirm the cause for which we stand. Through all the pain I still would have done it again God has and continues to bless me for my sacrifice. He helps my heart to heal.

• My 16 year old self thought I made the best choice for my son. I hate that my adoption was closed, I feel like it hindered my healing. I am happy to be healing now, I am happy to finally know about my son. I am happy that he has been successful and that he is original like me.  I hope to someday have a meaningful relationship with him, but am beginning to realize that is not my choice. I am trying to accept that what happens now is really up to my son. I will always love him no matter what.

• It was very bittersweet, the absolute hardest day of my life. I felt so much happiness for the adoptive couple and that they were finally able to have a baby. As I walked away I felt so EMPTY I collapsed into my dad’s arms and sobbed uncontrollably. I could NOT wait until I got to experience pregnancy and labor and deliver all over again with my own baby to take home, most of all it was the BEST and most right decision I have ever made in my life. If it weren’t for the gift of adoption I would not be who I am or where I am today.

• I am so happy that I could give her what I couldn’t. The 9 months I carried her all I wanted was to keep her but I knew there was a better place for her and I knew that at placement it wasn’t the last time I would see her. But that I had become part of her mom and dad’s family altnagon I am sad she’s not with me I know I did the right thing and that’s a great feeling.

Monday, November 1, 2010


This weekend, I attended a class with 2 friends and we made Soul Collage Cards. It was a short class and in a forested area with the rain falling. The best part for me was time to process some of my own feelings that were near the surface. I recently had melanoma removed from my face. I also had shingles and a minor car accident---all at the same time. It has been almost 2 weeks from the time of the repair and about 4 weeks from the first removal and living with an open wound for 2 weeks.

My first picture depicted a "strong young woman" that was capable of working hard and moving forward with life with a "smile on her face". But when it came time for me to start my card, I was drawn to the picture of two little girls (viewing them from the back), with their arms wrapped around each other and walking. Originally, the picture depicted the importance of friends in my life. However, as I brought several pictures together, I have a card with destruction, the girls stepping ahead with an eagle holding them up and eagles at the top looking out for them. I cried as I put it together and realized this was me working with my birthmoms. I cried for the pain and loss that I know they feel. I also cried knowing that we are not along. I cried for the peace and support I have felt through my personal healing.

During my healing time, someone sent me an email that hit home (my version).

Sometimes the master calms the storm
sometimes the master calms the sailor.


The Regional FSA conference will be this weekend----November 5 - 6----in Federal Way, Washingon. Tara, Pam and I have put hours into program planning and many others have put in their time to prepare what I hope is an excellent program.

We have 1 1/2 days of classes for birthmoms: Peer Counselor, Adoption Advocate, Grief through Movement, Art Therapy for Loss. These are a few of the classes. Each hour there will be 1 - 4 class options. We are having a Tamale Dinner and a BBQ sandwitch lunch.

I am hoping for a large turnout---I was dreaming of 600. I was told that was too large to hope for. Oh well, I can dream.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


Tara and I were invited to present 3 classes at the National FSA Conference in SLC. Two of our classes were video taped. Tara is the main presentor and and I am the comic-story teller. The classes were on:

Understanding Birth Moms
Communicatin Post Placement
We also received an awawrd from National FSA for the work we have been doing over the past few years.
The conference was an excellent resource for adoption. "Good Job" to all those that worked so hard to make the conference happen. Our local conference will be held in Federal Way in November.


A ward Relief Society brought some bags in
to be given to the expectant moms I am working on.
They decorated and filled them.
So CUTE!!!!