Birth Mother Heroes

New Blog Site Added

2011-01-08T11:21:00.000-08:00

I am adding Janessa's blog

http://janessasjourney.blogspot.com

FSA REGIONAL CONFERENCE

2010-11-17T19:11:00.000-08:00

Birthmother Quilt

We had our local FSA conference November 5 - 6, 2010. This year, Tara and I planned a class each hour fir Birthmothers. Some of the classes:

1. Adoption Advocate
2. Birthmother panel
3. Soul collage Art
4. Grief through Movement
5. Group
6. Post placement communication

I finished the Birthmother quilt and had is on display. The raffle was GREAT!

We had a tamale dinner and BBQ Pork sandwich lunch---all food was excellent. The fireside on Friday had the theme of growing through adversity.

I thought the conference was excellent. I was disappointed in the low attendance.

Display from Adoption Advocacy Class

FEELINGS ON YOUR ADOPTION EXPERIENCE

2010-11-17T19:07:00.000-08:00

These messages were written on paper and placed in a balloon which was blown up, popped. The popper of the balloon then read the message as all the birth mothers honored the feelings shared. This activity occurred at the 3rd Annual Birthmother Retreat at Zion’s camp on September 12, 2010.

• Placement was scary, hurtful, but I’m happy that he is with a family he is loved by an event I won’t ever forget.

• Spiritually divine looking at the face of god pure grace perfection beautiful. If I could freeze time and hold this baby forever I would but I can’t , what it was all about the ultimate mother-love: sacrifice loving somebody is wanting the best for them, whether it involves you or not. Everything I had planned and worked towards and set in place and strived for: All my efforts and desires and decisions plus plans plus heaps plus dreams….were all for THIS moment

• An amazing scary lonely journey there is a little man out there that I love more than I love anything and I must trust someone else to love him as much as I do so much more than I expect.

• Placement, Bitter Sweet didn’t want to let go, but I knew it was right. Can’t deny the feelings I received when I prayed and prayed about what to do… Even though she didn’t have the perfect life I still feel for whatever reason it was she was where she suppose to be. I LOVE YOU FOREVEAR Rachel.

• I’m grateful for the openness the adoptive couple is willing to offer me. I am surprised at how emotional I still feel and the number of hard days I’ve had lately I pray for my relationship with my daughter and her adoptive parents continues to go so well and mill always able to stay to open as we did now I love and miss my daughter every day!

• Day of placement, I remember looking at her little feet my last time and hugging her and kissing her goodbye. I then placed her into the arms of Tawnia’s assistant and said goodbye one of the saddest days of my life.

• I always knew I did the right thing for him and me.

• With tears and a broken heart, I put him in her arms. I wonder if he’ll want to meet me when he’s older, or if he’ll resent me for what I did. I’m so afraid of missing his life.

• It was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. It’s a moment in time that stays with you forever. As much as I miss her I love her more. All that I have learned and all that she has been given confirm the cause for which we stand. Through all the pain I still would have done it again God has and continues to bless me for my sacrifice. He helps my heart to heal.

• My 16 year old self thought I made the best choice for my son. I hate that my adoption was closed, I feel like it hindered my healing. I am happy to be healing now, I am happy to finally know about my son. I am happy that he has been successful and that he is original like me.  I hope to someday have a meaningful relationship with him, but am beginning to realize that is not my choice. I am trying to accept that what happens now is really up to my son. I will always love him no matter what.

• It was very bittersweet, the absolute hardest day of my life. I felt so much happiness for the adoptive couple and that they were finally able to have a baby. As I walked away I felt so EMPTY I collapsed into my dad’s arms and sobbed uncontrollably. I could NOT wait until I got to experience pregnancy and labor and deliver all over again with my own baby to take home, most of all it was the BEST and most right decision I have ever made in my life. If it weren’t for the gift of adoption I would not be who I am or where I am today.

• I am so happy that I could give her what I couldn’t. The 9 months I carried her all I wanted was to keep her but I knew there was a better place for her and I knew that at placement it wasn’t the last time I would see her. But that I had become part of her mom and dad’s family altnagon I am sad she’s not with me I know I did the right thing and that’s a great feeling.

SOUL COLLAGE CARDS

2010-11-01T11:26:00.001-07:00

This weekend, I attended a class with 2 friends and we made Soul Collage Cards. It was a short class and in a forested area with the rain falling. The best part for me was time to process some of my own feelings that were near the surface. I recently had melanoma removed from my face. I also had shingles and a minor car accident---all at the same time. It has been almost 2 weeks from the time of the repair and about 4 weeks from the first removal and living with an open wound for 2 weeks.

My first picture depicted a "strong young woman" that was capable of working hard and moving forward with life with a "smile on her face". But when it came time for me to start my card, I was drawn to the picture of two little girls (viewing them from the back), with their arms wrapped around each other and walking. Originally, the picture depicted the importance of friends in my life. However, as I brought several pictures together, I have a card with destruction, the girls stepping ahead with an eagle holding them up and eagles at the top looking out for them. I cried as I put it together and realized this was me working with my birthmoms. I cried for the pain and loss that I know they feel. I also cried knowing that we are not along. I cried for the peace and support I have felt through my personal healing.

During my healing time, someone sent me an email that hit home (my version).

Sometimes the master calms the storm

and

sometimes the master calms the sailor.

REGIONAL FSA CONFERENCE

2010-11-01T11:22:00.001-07:00

The Regional FSA conference will be this weekend----November 5 - 6----in Federal Way, Washingon. Tara, Pam and I have put hours into program planning and many others have put in their time to prepare what I hope is an excellent program.

We have 1 1/2 days of classes for birthmoms: Peer Counselor, Adoption Advocate, Grief through Movement, Art Therapy for Loss. These are a few of the classes. Each hour there will be 1 - 4 class options. We are having a Tamale Dinner and a BBQ sandwitch lunch.

I am hoping for a large turnout---I was dreaming of 600. I was told that was too large to hope for. Oh well, I can dream.

NATIONAL CONERENCE

2010-08-05T15:27:00.001-07:00

Tara and I were invited to present 3 classes at the National FSA Conference in SLC. Two of our classes were video taped. Tara is the main presentor and and I am the comic-story teller. The classes were on:

Understanding Birth Moms

Communicatin Post Placement

We also received an awawrd from National FSA for the work we have been doing over the past few years.

The conference was an excellent resource for adoption. "Good Job" to all those that worked so hard to make the conference happen. Our local conference will be held in Federal Way in November.

BM BAGS

2010-08-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

A ward Relief Society brought some bags in

to be given to the expectant moms I am working on.

They decorated and filled them.

So CUTE!!!!

THANKS FOR THINKING OF THE GIRLS!

SNOWFLAKES

2010-06-13T16:02:00.000-07:00

Snowflakes: A Flurry of Adoption Stories

by Teresa Kelleher

We had a class at the office last Saturday. A woman came to talk about her book and experience as an adoptive mom. It was excellent and I wanted to share the book. It is full of stories from children that were adopted. I recommend it. I also enjoyed her presentation. I kinda left like I should adopt an older child. Not worry, the thought fled quickly.

GROUP ON THE PHONE

2010-05-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

Salt Lake City offers a weekly Online Birthmother group.

Toll Free Number - 1-877-453-7266

Meeting ID Code - 3096 for participants

Thursday from 6 - 7 p.m. MST

This group is for Expectant Parents that want to participate in group but live too far away to attend and would like to talk to birthmothers who have placed for adoption.

ADOPTION EDUCATION CLASS ATTENDANCE

2010-05-22T22:18:00.000-07:00

Tara and I are doing the Adoption Education classes at the office on the 3rd Thursday of each month. We are always happy to have someone attend. We usually get positive feedback on the information shared.

We use power point to cover various topics. Check out the office blog to see the topics covered.

Tara and I were also invited to present at the National FSA conference in July and are excited to share some of our ideas.

FSA

2010-05-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

Tara and I are organizing our Birthmothers to be a part of FSA (Families Supporting Adoption). Currently, Tar has been serving on the local board and regional board. We have asked Megan to serve on the local board. We are also organizing birthmother to have their own board along side FSA to focus on birthmother support.

We look forward to seeing what happens. We are also asking for people to help with activities. We plan to have BM Day in May, BM Retreat in September, and some sort of activity in February. The National FSA conference is in Salt Lake City in July and there is usually a regional or local conference in November.

ARTICLE TO SUPPORT BIRTHMOMS

2010-05-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

Here is a great article on Birthmothers.....

http://www.newsweek.com/id/238276?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed:+headlines/health+(Updated+-+Headline+Feed+-+Health)&utm_content=Google+Feedfetcher

ADOPTION.COM

2010-05-19T09:18:00.000-07:00

A birthmother that gave birth 19 years ago tomorrow called this morning. I remember her as soon as she said her name. She sounded more grown up, but I knew the name. She was wondering if her son had sent any letters or was looking for her. I told her that I didn't think we had any mail, but that she could try adoption.com. She told me she has 3 teenage sons. We visited briefly after sharing information and said goodbye.

In about 15 minutes, she called back to say that her son had already registered on adoption.com. When she put in her info, up popped his name, address and phone number. Lucky for me, she called to tell me. WOW! We practiced what she might say and what to expect. As she hung up, she said she was going to call and keep me updated.

SO COOL!

BIRTHMOTHER DAY

2010-05-16T13:58:00.000-07:00

Saturday before Mother's Day, we celebrated Birthmother Day at our office. We had 22 birthmoms attend and a few support people. FSA decorated the conference room and prepared plenty of food. We enjoyed ham, egg casseroles, muffins, salad and fruit. Tara prepared a beautiful program with a circle of butterflies on front. (We will use this theme again for Birthmother Retreat). We shared a butterfly poem and another reading. Each girl that chose to shared a little of her experience. We had other activities planned, but the socializing seemed to be the most important activity. Visiting with other birthmothers is supportive and healing.

FSA also gave each girl a pair of earrings they made the night before and a little jar containing tiny rocks with a leaf on the lid. The decorations were earthy, like a spa setting. Thanks to the efforts of so many people, it was lovely.

Towards the end, Tara had a slide show of pictures girls had shared, set to music. We then lit a candle to commemorate our unity and strength. Tara had also written on shinny, black rocks "Birthmothers are Heroes" for each girl attending. I can't say enough about all that Tara does to make the birthmother program even better.

Denise and Pam helped with decorations, food, serving and support. Denise had not attended such an event and said it was so wonderful for her to be in attendance and see so many girls that have placed a baby for adoption. She already knew that the pain does not go away and was awed to see the gathering of these women for support and bonding.

This is the second Birthmother day in our office. We look forward to another in 2011.

MAKE A BOX

2010-04-18T20:28:00.000-07:00

Marci came to group last week. She helped us make a paper box from card stock. We decorated it card stock. We hope to eventually fill it with inspiration quotes to be read through the year. Please feel free to share your favorite QUOTES with us to add to the box. Send them to:

Seattle Birthmothers on facebook

I wish there was a way that I could connect to all the girls that I have known over the 20 years. I would love to invite all of them to our second BirthMother day---Saturday before Mother's Day.

BLOG TO FACEBOOK

2010-04-18T20:21:00.001-07:00

Thanks to my daughter, I was able to hook my blog up to my facebook account. I hope that is not too distracting to people. I thought perhaps I could get some "readers".

Tara and I have been working on the BirthMother Binder to be given girls new to the program. Tara has done most of the work----I just "stupervise". We are excited to have it completed.

We also bought some supplies for the new "birthmother" wall that we hope to have complete before BirthMother day.

Calling all girls----we are hoping to display your talents on the wall

We will also be adding out first quilt, once it is finished. We will be doing a little painting as well. Tara and I hope to find some interest in creating the decor.

When Tara and I work together, we seem to get more ideas than we know what to do with. Tara brought in a note pad that said Brilliant Ideas. I keep it on my desk so we can write down some of our future intentions.

GRATITUDE

2010-04-04T20:21:00.000-07:00

I read an article in Reader's Digest called "Life is better with a gratitude attitude". The author decided to be aware of expressing gratitude for a month. I think that making a decision to change/add a behavior is the best way to start---making the decision. Of course, one would need to follow-up and do something to activate the decision. There are rewards in having a "gratitude attitude". Not only does one uplift another when sharing gratitude, the expresser also feels better for focusing on what is positive.

3 Easy Ways to "Tune up your Tude"

1. Visualize it--make a poster (a positive example to others)
leave post-it notes on the gratitude tree (on the refrigerator)

2. Ask:
What have I received from ___________?
What have I given ____________?
What troubles have I caused __________?
In other words---think about the "other" instead of yourself.

3. Pick a day a week to focus on Gratitude.

Happy Easter

2010-04-04T14:39:00.000-07:00

Just as seasons change, so do things continue to change at the office. As Tara and I were driving to Michael's to pick up some supplies for BirthMother Day, she commented, "I can't believe all that we have done for the program in such a short time. I agreed.

Since April of last year (2009), we have had the goal in mind, "how do we improve".

1. We have prepared and started doing Adoption Education power point classes for adoptive couples. All new couples are required to have 10 hours of adoption education. We have 2 classes that specifically help them to understand what a birthmother might be experiencing. Look at the office blog for more info. We do the classes once a month in the evening. In March, we invited birthmothers to come and meet with couples that wanted help with their profile. All that participated thought it was a great chance for us all to get acquainted.

2. We have a "BirthMother" binder that each new girl will receive when she comes into the program. Tara has created some pages that encourage future planning, birth certificate place, photos, preparing for face to face, how to choose a couple and more. We are encouraging girls to decorate and personalize their binder. We see this as a way to prepare for the grief that will come and empower the girls.

3. We will be starting the BirthMother quilt this month and adding new squares each year to build a new quilt.

4. We started the BirthMother scrap book at the last retreat and invite girls to create a page for future girls to see.

5. We are inviting BirthMothers to be a "buddy" for future girls and provide support.

6. We have a BirthMother on the FSA board.

7. I have been working more and more with FSA in order to strengthen the program and bring BirthMothers into the organization.

8. We are continue to encourage girls to be involved to help with future ideas.

9. We developed and launched the "High School Adoption Outreach" power point---one of the programs to tell the world that adoption is a good option.

10. Tara has prepared a BirthMother and Adoptive Couple reading list

11. We revamped the paperwork process in the office.

12. I have several missionary sisters that help me in the office. With their help, I am more able to manage the load and give couples more personal service.

13. We have an Adoption Secretary who strives to keep things organized and make my work easier.

14. We have a weekly Adoption Planning meeting that we decided to call "the weekly Hub Bub", named after the office blog.

That is all that I can recall at this time.

I hope that anyone reading this blog will feel inspired and want to get involved to further the Adoption Option in the future. I can tell you that the hearts and minds of Tara and Tawnia are on BirthMothers and Adoption. Although this responsibility if stressful, we strive to help our sisters. Tara and I are surprised at the ideas that come to us through the days that we work together. (Tara comes in 2 days a week.)

Please facebook, email or call if you want to be more involved.

SOMETIMES IT'S DIFFICULT

2010-03-07T17:39:00.000-08:00

Even as old as I am, there seem to be more things I am intersted in "getting into" than there is time to make things happen. Besides work, which keeps me busy enough, I am looking into 2 other interests--each would be "helping people". As I ponder and consider the possibilties, I wonder what life hold for me. I share this because it seems that no matter how old I have grown, I still have new hopes and dreams. I hope you do as well.

I challenge you to dream and reach for the things you can accomplish and experience in life.

Book Reviews

2010-03-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

Here are 2 books that are helpful in relationships. Remember, don't just read then, apply the concepts you learn.

Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages, believes Dr. Gary Chapman. While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, he identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one. Some husbands or wives may crave focused attention; another needs regular praise. Gifts are highly important to one spouse, while another sees fixing a leaky faucet, ironing a shirt, or cooking a meal as filling their "love tank." Some partners might find physical touch makes them feel valued: holding hands, giving back rubs, and sexual contact. Chapman illustrates each love language with real-life examples from his counseling practice.

How do you discover your spouse’s – and your own – love language? Chapman’s short questionnaires are one of several ways to find out. Throughout the book, he also includes application questions that can be answered more extensively in the beautifully detailed companion leather journal (an exclusive Amazon.com set). Each section of the journal corresponds with a chapter from the book, offering opportunities for deeper reflection on your marriage.

Although some readers may find choosing to love a spouse that they no longer even like –hoping the feelings of affection will follow later– a difficult concept to swallow, Chapman promises that the results will be worth the effort. "Love is a choice," says Chapman. "And either partner can start the process today." --Cindy Crosby. This text refers to the Amazon.com Exclusive Journal and Paperback Book Set.

Too many marriages end when someone says "I've fallen out of love with you" or "I don't love you anymore." The Love Dare discusses how these statements reveal a lack of understanding about the fundamental nature of true love.

As featured in the popular new movie Fireproof, from the team that brought us the #1 best selling DVD Facing the Giants, The Love Dare is a 40-day guided devotional experience that will lead your heart back to truly loving your spouse while learning more about the design, nature, and source of true love. Each reading includes Scripture, a statement of principle, the day's "dare," and a journaling area and check box to chart progress.

Dare to take The Love Dare, and see your marriage change forever. (Description of Product by Amazon.com)

GROUP

2010-02-12T19:21:00.000-08:00

At group last night, Ann and Alise both showed up---both placed about 12 years ago and showed up on the same evening. It was so fun to see them--hugs exchanged. We also had 2 recently delivered birth moms. We talked about working through the grief, getting through the pain of placement which lasts a long time and what helps move one through the healing process.

Alise (came because she wants to get involved again) said that having a goal or a plan would be helpful after placement. She shared some of the struggles she went through since placement. She is now married with 3 children and a supportive husband. She hopes to return to school and get into psychology

As we visited, I asked what they had learned through the experience and if they saw the individual growth through the experience of adoption.

I was excited to hear that several girls plan to go to FSA Conference in SLC (July). They were also excited about becoming moved involved and spreading adoption as a positive option. I get excited when I see that more people will be involved. I look forward to the growth that occurs in 2010. I hope that the high school presentation gets going quickly.

Today I had a conference call with the Chair of the local FSA. We are starting to plan the area FSA Conference (November). It is exciting to see that birth moms will be more involved.

The Adoption Education Hours will continue on a monthly basis. I want to start a "project night" where we meet to work on projects as well as the Birth Mom Quilt. Tara also shared the idea of "meet with a birth mom" where an adoptive couple can get help from a birth mom on their profile. Tara is also working on the birth mom binder which is looking great. She had some wonderful reflective worksheets.

Watch for us on facebook and e-vite.

HIGHSCHOOL OUTREACH

2010-02-01T16:36:00.000-08:00

We launched the High School Adoption Outreach power point tonight also. We had 4 birth moms and the FSA Regional Chair and the local FSA co-chairs. We even had a Stake Specialists who said she came to see if she wanted to share it in her stake. What a great idea. After viewing the power point, we discussed how to move forward. I think this will take off and I hope it makes a big different as it is a positive voice for Adoption.

I am going to offer the power point to the Stake Specialists to see if they also want to share it in their stakes. I am going to suggest that a senior might want to take on a project and take this into her school district.

Wait and see!

ADOPTION EDUCATION

2010-02-01T16:29:00.000-08:00

On January 31, 2010, Tara and I launched our first Adoption Education classes.

We started at 10 a.m (after I locked myself out of the office. YES! I made cinnamon rolls to cook and share so the office smelled delicious. I had several loads to bring in. I dropped everything on the floor and went back outside for another load. The office door was now locked and my keys were inside. OH BOTHER! Lucky for me, Tara was only 30 minutes away).

We had about 10 couples, the chair for the Regional FSA and a few other attendees. Tara's power point presentations were EXCELLENT. She had a few sleepless nights of worry. She also shared with me that she does not like to speak in front of people. You could not tell. She was great.

We forged through 5 presentations in 5 hours. We did stop for lunch and breaks. I think people learned things that they had not thought of before. We plan to offer a class a month on a Thursday evening.

Sharing her Talents

2010-01-17T17:02:00.000-08:00

Referring back to the entry "My Past Returns"......

A past birth mom came to the office and did a photography session with baby, birth mom and her parents. It was a wonderful touch to a difficult day. The photographer sent a CD full of photos to birth mom.

I you have talents to share, let me know.

We have 2 birth mom photographers---at 2 different ends of the office. They are willing to go to the hospital or placement. I hope this is a positive support to future girls.

BIRTH MOM GROUP PLANNING

2010-01-17T16:55:00.000-08:00

Tara and I met with 3 other birth moms to plan for 2010. Our goal is to reach out to past birth moms and get them involved. We will be having group twice a month and an Adoption Education class once a month. We also hope to have a "create day" where those interested can come to the office to sew, craft, scrap or make anything of interested (within reason) once a month. We have a scrap book that girls can add a page with their story/photos if they want.

We plan to have a Birth Mom quilt (one a year) and will display them in the hallways. We want girls to add their "talents" to the hallway also.

My hope is that girls will stand tall

as they come together to create healing and help the girls of the future.

We are changing the ways of adoption.

Please join us.

Book Review

2010-01-16T22:57:00.001-08:00

I read this book over the holidays. It was written by a woman that place a baby over 20 years ago and the pain that she experienced due to that decision. I did not enjoy it much because it seemed that there was more pain and now growth/learning.

I realize that not every person grows through adoption. I also know that things have changed greatly over the last 20 years. I hope that the change brings healing to pain.

I also read Because I Loved You. I loved this book. The author placed over 20 years ago. She was in h er 20's when she discovered she was pregnant. The chapters switch from "her story" to "what to do is you find yourself pregnant". She doesn't advocate that everyone choose adoption as she did, she just makes suggestions on how to get through the process. She even shares how she met her son when he was 12 years old.

I am currently reading this one. This woman placed many years ago and still struggles. This book explains her struggle as an adult--dealing with her decision and hoping to meet the child she placed.

This book was recommended to my by Tara. It is an EXCELLENT book to deal with any type of grief issues.

MY PAST RETURNS

2010-01-09T07:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was rushing around in the car (safely) to prepare for placement. As I was driving, I received a phone call. It was from a past birth mom that had recently just reconnected to me. We were trying to talk on the phone and get together to visit. It had been 17 years. She had mentioned that she wanted to do something to "give back" to birth moms. That morning she kept feeling prompted to call and offer help by taking photos for birth moms/babies.

I told her that very day we were doing a placement. She offered to come. After many phone calls and mini-miracle, she was able to get to the office to take photos for birth mom and her family. It was a nice touch for the birth mom who will receive a CD of professional photos. It was also good for the one that "served" the other.

I am thrilled to be "found" by my past girls. I love that they want to reach out to each other.

Wedding, Wedding, Wedding

2009-12-31T16:14:00.000-08:00

Janessa was first get married.

Megan was second.

Daniella was married early in December.

Persephone married sometime in 2009 also.

That would be 4 girls married that attended the first Birth Mother Retreat. 2008.

Megan's Birthday

2009-12-31T16:11:00.001-08:00

Celebrating Megan's birthday at the office

Tawnia, Daniella, Janessa, Gabby, Megan, Tara

"Finding Experience" from Adoptive Mom

2009-12-31T09:37:00.000-08:00

Recently 2 of my past Birth Moms found their child on Facebook and made contact. These 2 children are siblings. Birth Moms did not know each other. Below you will find the emails from the Adoptive Mom (edited).

Dear Tawnia,

I wanted to send you an email and let you know how much I appreciated talking with you a couple of weeks ago. I appreciated the information that you gave me concerning Birth Mom (BM). Needless to say, it was an exciting and an emotional week for the our family!

My daughter was thrilled, at first, to be in contact to BM, but for some reason has become reluctant to continue correspondence with her. Even though daughter is 19 years old, she is still immature in some respects. She tends to 'jump in with both feet' initially and then realizes that she maybe she should have taken things a bit more cautiously. Her primary response, in dealing with the uncomfortableness and fear, is avoidance. I know that BM is hurting right now. She took her cue from my daughter’s enthusiasm in the beginning and I think tried to establish a relationship with daughter too quickly. I don't know what the outcome will be as far as daughter wanting to pursue the relationship in the future. That will have to be daughter's choice.

On the other hand, the process with son (17) and his contact with BM is going very well, so far. BM contacted me first. I was able to correspond with her for several days and we both had time to analyze the situation. I was able to let my son read her correspondence to me and he became comfortable enough to begin corresponding with BM. They are being very patient with son and just asking him questions to get to know him better. He is asking questions of them and they are responding with honest, heartfelt answers. It has been a positive experience for all involved, so far.

I guess the reason that I am telling you this is to let you know that if a birthmother contacts you to get advice about contacting the adopted child, especially if the child is still young, please tell them to try and contact the adoptive parents first. This way the adoptive parent can help gage and monitor the process for both the child and the birthparents. The adoptive parents know the child's personality and can help the birthparents know how to properly correspond with the child.

In corresponding with both BMs, they both have expressed to me how much they appreciated your love, concern, help, and counsel through the pregnancy, placement process and beyond. They both have a great love and respect for you. One told me that if it hadn't been for your love, support, and encouragement during a long phone call on the night before daughter was placed with us, we probably wouldn't have received her. Emily also has expressed to me how much you helped her. Thank you!

In corresponding with both BMs, I have realized just how strong their love for the children they placed is. I guess for some reason I thought that love and concern would fade somewhat with time. If anything, it is stronger. I also know that the remorse that they felt when they decided to place their child is still there. I hope though, this has faded somewhat with time. I know that they have thought about and wondered about the child each day since the placement. I am sure it is a great sense of relief to know that their children are safe, healthy and doing well.

Thank you again Tawnia! Thank you for helping us have the experience of being parents to our chidlren. We love them tremendously and we are trying our best to help them become people that will want to make good choices.

Adoptive Mom

Second email..........
Tawnia,

Just to let you know, my daughter has had a chance to think things through a little bit more and has again been in contact with BM. I hope that their relationship will progress in a good and comfortable way for both of them.

Another observation that I have made in corresponding with BMs, which I didn't express to you previously, is that the birth mothers hold on to every piece of information or item sent to them about the children that they placed. In fact, I would dare say that they "cling" to it. Both BMs can practically quote to me the letters that I sent to them and have "reminded" me of information that I included about daughter and son that I have long since forgotten. I sent a Christmas card to son's birth parents and family and BM commented to me that she "recognized my writing immediately!" Who would have thought that she would have imprinted in her memory my hand writing?! How wonderful, powerful and divine is a mother's love for a child. Any mother's love, be it a birth mother or an adoptive mother, for I know that my love for my children is just as strong.

Adoptive mom
________________________________________

Response by Tawnia

Thank you for this beautiful email. I love my girls. I also love the adoptive couple, but my focus has been on the healing of the girls. Although they have pre-marital sex, got pregnant and “decided” to place their child for adoption, it did not occur without grief and pain. I have witnesses this over and over for 20 years. I don’t think people understand the feelings on either side of the adoption triangle. LDS Family Services has come a long way since 20 years ago in the open-ness, but the education is lagging behind and I hope to make a difference there this year.

3 Weddings

2009-12-25T16:41:00.000-08:00

I attended 3 weddings this year of past birth mothers. All 3 girls attended the first birth mother retreat. Congratultions to all 3.

ADOPTIGON MANAGER

2009-12-25T16:13:00.000-08:00

Tara and Tawnia

The Ta Ta Girls

I was given a new responsibility at work. I am now the Adoption Manager, which means I will supervise all adoption services for LDS Family Services. The change started in April 2009. With the help of Tara, we have reorganized our program and materials for birth parents. We laugh when we get together and have a good time. Sometimes we take road trips for work and talk our heads off with ideas of something new to do for the girls. Some of our new ideas include making a birth mom quilt each year with each birth mom making a block; involving FSA more for support; give each girl a binder to “personalize” and keep her important information in as well as help with the grief process. We are including with moms on the FSA board and in helping with the changes.

We hope to bring the same enthusiasm to the adoptive couple work in 2010. Tara and I have been reading and preparing classes to educate the adoptive couples on what a birth mother is experiencing. We plan to launch that in January.

Something else I have notice this year is more phone calls for people searching or wanting information. We cannot give out identifying information at the office, but the people are directed to WARM of Adoption.com. In this age of computerized information, more and more people and reaching out for more to find or be found.

BIRTH MOTHER GRANDMOTHER - that's me

2009-12-25T16:09:00.000-08:00

Rich, a co-worker, teased me and said I was a birth mother grandma. How you ask???

I worked briefly with a young woman that transferred to another office to keep things confidential. As the process continued, I was called upon to work with the birth father. In order to “bond” with him and seek his cooperation, I knew he was a hunter/sport mans/fisher man/outdoors man, as was my brother. We shared stories to get acquainted. Birth father did not want to place, but said he would cooperate with adoption if my brother would adoption his child. Much to my surprise, I called birth mom and my brother and a beautiful baby boy eventually came into my family through this birth mom and dad.

Fast forward to the present…………birth mom and I keep in contact a little. She has fertility issues and lost a pregnancy. Her husband is diagnosed with cancer which puts a hold on further pregnancy plans. They decide to try the adoption process. The study would be completed by another office.

I was sitting in my office one day, meeting with a new birth mom for the first visit. She said she was determined to do adoption—it was the best for her child. I listened to her. She said she had already met a family. I listened. When she told me the adoptive family lived in another state, I thought to myself, I need to show her some of our couples. The couple she met was a friend of her sister and I didn’t want her to try to please her sister. I asked a few more questions and suddenly realized that the couple this birth mom had chosen by the birth mom mentioned in paragraph #2. I was so excited and animated inside my body that I found it hard to contain myself. I continued to “calmly” ask questions to make sure my assumption was correct. I glowed when I realized that my nephew’s birth mother might soon be an adoptive mother.

After several months and some occasional contact from all parties, a baby girl was born the end of the year and placed with her new family. Hence, I am a birth mother grandma.

I must say it was interesting for me, as I am sure it was for adoptive mom, to see the different sides of the coin. As a birth mom, she wanted more openness. As an adoptive mom, she wanted some confidentiality and privacy. All parties are working towards a comfortable balance.

I guess when I have worked here for so long, I might be a part of many interesting things.
Adoptive mom sent me a sweet card……”You have helped me so much in my life. Knowing you has forever changed me. Thank you. I love you.” Reading that and hearing those same words occasionally from other girls, makes this difficult work all worth it. There is no way I feel the same pain that my girls feel, but I am exposed to it over and over. I watch them struggle. I pray for their future success and happiness as they work through their grief.

I NEVER thought I would work with birth moms for 20 years.

Now, I find that I cannot leave.

You girl ROCK!

Go forward with strength and confidence.

Remember you sacrifice and build your future.

No one can fully understand your experience.

But, you are the master of your future.

Make it great!

CLARA = CAPRICE

2009-12-25T16:04:00.000-08:00

A previous entry was title “Clara”. In reality, the name is Caprice. She has given me permission to use her name. Since the entry 9/20, Caprice and I were able to meet up again at the FSA conference in Portland. It was so good to see her, even if it was briefly. After our first phone call, she connected to my blog and discovered that her placed daughter was also connected to my blog. Her daughter, MeMe had come to me as part of her senior project to be a positive voice for adoption. MeMe met some of my current birth moms and spoke last year at an FSA event. She created a blog for her senior project and I added it to my Birth Mom blog. Caprice was surprised when she put 2+2 together and realized this young girl was daughter she placed 19 years ago.

Caprice was planning to attend FSA so we could meet in person again. She called about a month prior to let me know that he MeMe had been asked to speak at the FSA conference. Oh, my gosh! Thank goodness Caprice is a prayerful woman. She decided to attend, but be invisible at the conference so that her daughter would not meet her.

Several days after the conference, Meme called to let me know that she would be interesting in meeting her birth mother someday. Caprice had prepared a letter for such a day and I passed that letter on to the family. Before too long, they were exchanging words and hope to meet in person on the daughter’s birthday.

Caprice hopes to be an Outreach Specialist in her stake in Oregon. We were so glad to see each other again. There are happy and sad points to this story---all of which I hope come out in a book someday. I hope to help share the experiences that birth mothers’ have had in the adoption world. Due to some inaccurate shared information, Caprice and I lost contact for many years, but now look forward to staying connected.

GO EMMY

2009-12-25T16:00:00.000-08:00

No word from Dr. Phil, but Emmy has decided to write her birth mother story. I am excited for her. There just doesn’t seem to be too many birth mother books out there. I think the world is in a “awakening” time as adoption explodes into a new a positive view. Good luck in the writing, Emmy! Maybe I will eventually get my stories organized and printed. Until then, blogging works for me.

PORTLAND, FSA

2009-12-25T15:51:00.000-08:00

The regional Families Supporting Adoption took place in Portland this year in November. Tara and I attended. We met 2 new birth moms there and shared our room with 2 past birth moms. We even stayed an extra night to do a little shopping and relax. (Found some great fabric shops) I have asked that Tara be added to the Regional FSA board in order to bring more for birth mothers to the next conference. We also have a birth mother on our local FSA board. Families Supporting Adoption is learning to involve all parts of the adoption triangle. I hope to see continued improvements as ideas are shared and information brings growth.

Oh no, now what?

2009-12-25T08:43:00.000-08:00

Last month I received a phone call from a past birth mom. she didn't expect me to remember her-------but I did. I asked her name. NO, not that one, your maiden name. Once she said it, I recalled my experience with her. Some of my girls, I have limited contact with but I still remembered Sheri from trying to find a family for her child with limited time and a difficult birth father. She found that family and placed her child. She was surprised I remembered her. (I have come to realize that birth moms often feel they are insignificant in this process and deserve nothing for their sacrifice.)

Her call was prompted from another birth mom that I had experience with several years ago. This birth mom placed through a different state (LDS FS) and was referred to me for reunification counseling. Her child had wanted to meet her and the law required (Texas) that they each have counseling prior to the meeting. During our "counseling time", we briefly became acquainted and she helped me work with another birth mom in her area.

This same birth mom (in paragraph #2) became acquainted with birth mom Shari. Not knowing the full story, Shari was concerned that her 17 yr. old child would suddenly come into her life and didn't feel prepared for any surprises. She is now a mother of 2 children and happily married for 13 years. She runs a day care in her home. Shari recalled that some time ago she felt worried about her child and contacted me. At that time, the couple was applying to re-adopt, so I was aware that her child was doing well. She appreciated that information and no longer worried. She told me that all that mattered to her was that her child had a good live and knew where he came from. Sometimes a little information bring much peace.

Thanks for calling!

Search and Find

2009-12-25T08:31:00.001-08:00

In the last few months, I had 2 birth moms that did not know each other find the child they placed. The 2 "found" children are siblings. The birth moms found them by searching through facebook with limited information they deducted through the years. I became a part of the "finding" when the adoptive mom asked for proof of their identity, which lead to me.

Many good things have happened through this:

1. Aubrie and Emily have "found" a loved one. I believe it has been scary, difficult and amazing. The "finding" is new, but at this time, they communicate through email and facebook. The children are 17 and 19 years old and had some adjusting to do in this addition in their life. The most joyous thing for birth moms: the child appreciated birth mom for placing and their child was well and happy. (Birth moms are on my facebook account.)

2. The adoptive mom learned more about what it is like for a birth mom to place a child. Hooray and thanks for sharing. This will be shared in another blog.

3. I have a little more contact with "my girls" when exciting things happen.

4. Over the 20 years of working in birth parent services, I have seen changes and hope for continued education and growth. I expect 2010 will bring many changes and perhaps more "findings".

Dr. Phill Show

2009-11-01T14:35:00.001-08:00

Emmy called me yesterday and told me that she had been checking daily on various television show web sites to see who was asking about ADOPTION. She said she had sent many emails and even some hand written letters. Saturday, Halloween, she was called by the Dr. Phil show. They told her they were interested in her adoption story and they wanted to see photos.

WOW!

She called to tell me and said she would bring me along if she made it to the show.

DOUBLE WOW!

Maybe we can all go..............

In my enthusiasm today, I was searching other web pages and blog sites. I am going to attempt to update my blog and connect to other helpful resources. I think I need to create a "button" so my blog is "fancy" too.

SEARCHING

2009-11-01T14:18:00.000-08:00

I heard from a co-worker today that

ADOPTION.COM

was a good source to search as an adopted or as an adoptee.

I believe it is free and there is no age requirement. I think each part just need to be searching.

WEB PAGE FOR BIRTH MOMS

2009-10-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

I worte this almost a year ago and never posted it...........

Tara and I are hoping that she can get the Web page for birth moms up and going soon. It seems that other work matters take too much of our time. She has some great ideas and lots of resources to help girls. We are excited about the possibilities. I went through my old phone numbers and I am having someone call past birth moms to ask for email addresses. This is exciting to me, to reconnect to some of the girls. During this process, I am getting phone calls from girls, wanting to reconnect. In fact, Alisse called me today saying that she had a strong feeling that she needed to call me and wanted to offer her help in any way that I might need help for other birth moms. Exciting! She is even going to come to group.

.............now for back to present time.......We have been busy this year reworking the birth parent program. The web page is moving along. My goal has been to get what "I do" all down on paper in an organized manner, so other people would know how to help and what to do. I am surprised at how long it has taken, but pleased to see the project come about. Along with the organizing, we have created various check-lists and continued to find more resources for birth moms. We have been reading books. We are doing classes for adopting couples.

Today, we had a secretary training so that they can become more efficient in the adoption area as well. Time savers gives me more hands-on time.

RETURN FOR HELP

2009-10-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

One afternoon, the secretary came to my office telling me my appointment was here. I was concerned because I didn’t have an appointment that I knew about and was afraid I double booked or something. I went to peer into the waiting room and saw that it was a past birth mom from 2 years ago. I greeted her and asked her into my office. I was surprised because about 2 years ago, this birth mom had been rude and the office had been through a big conflict with her and the birth father.

She greeted me and said she wanted to return to group. She asked me if I could help her place her baby (now 2 years old) for adoption with the couple she had picked before. She and her child had maintained contact with this couple. She said she was too young to understand all there was to parenting. She was sorry for what she had done and she wanted a better life for her daughter now.

Now, you can all think what you want. I was just pleased that she felt safe enough to return to the office to talk to me. I told her I would do what I could to help her.

After many months, her child was officially adopted by the original couple. I consider this a miracle.

2009-09-27T17:28:00.000-07:00

Group picture of some of the girls at

2009 Birth Mother Retreat

at Zions Camp.

There are more photos on Birthmother Seattle on FaceBook.

CLARA'S CALL

2009-09-20T16:45:00.000-07:00

Name has been changed-----

On the Tuesday following the retreat, I received a phone call from a birth mom that I worked with 18 years ago. I remember her and she remembers me and told me that she had thought of me often throughout the years. (that was a positive thing) What stands out for about this woman was when she said, "I just don't think I can do it", meaning live through placing her child for adoption. I was surprised when she chose to place. And, she did live through it.

She had another support woman in her life and had not kept in touch with me. Now that her daughter that she placed had turned 18 years old, she called me to tell me she was thinking of me and just wondering if I knew anything. I told her about the retreat and how I would love her support in the "work" that we all hope to do. She was so excited. With an email to another office, she will now be trained to do adoption presentations and work with birth mothers in her area. She said, this was her dream come true-------to "give back". Funny, I already thought she had given. I am also thrilled to reconnect to a woman from my past work and to know that she will have much to offer others.

We hope to connect at the upcoming FSA Conference in Portland in November.

RETREAT #2 AT ZION'S CAMP

2009-09-20T16:29:00.000-07:00

September 11 - 13, 2009

I arrived at camp a little late because I was coordinating picking up at the airport, packing, making brownies and transporting people. I must say, it was fun from the start and the brownies came in handy on the drive to camp. Upon arrive, we unpacked and started visiting. We had a total of 15 women join this retreat. People were talking past 2 a.m., which is when I finally passed out.

The next day, besides eating, we did some self exploration activities which ended in each of of waving out paper in the air and calling out----"teacher, what does this mean". Cute. We "self explored" several times during our stay.

We also enjoyed the lake, that is until someone polluted it by sweeping geese poop into the water. Not everyone came prepared with a swim suit. Those who did not, enjoyed swimming in our clothing. I just say, getting out of a lake wearing jeans is heavy work. I enjoyed a few jumps on the lifeguard seat until I was told it was "against the rules".

Before leaving camp, we all met to share our closing remarks about our stay. One shared that she had been "praying for friends" and know felt that she had many many new friends. The healing from attending and connecting was great. Another pregnant shared that she now felt that she would be able to place for adoption because she could see that others had done so and survived.

I had been joined by a friend that was there to help do some presentations. In the closing moments she thanked the girls for letting her share in the retreat and expressed interest in joining whenever she was invited and could attend. She honored them for who there were and appreciated their sacrifices. She told the girls, "I think this is what (the connecting and sharing and sisterhood) is what Relief Society if supposed to be like." I agreed and told them to go forth to grow and share with others.

Yes, it was a fun time. It was also, I hope, the beginning of more healing and taking forth a positive message about adoption. I asked the girls to share in the work that I hope to take forward with their help. There are plenty to "get on board" now.

I look forward to next year, more fun and to see what we can accomplish in the next year.

SECOND ANNUAL BIRTH MOM RETREAT

2009-09-07T21:45:00.000-07:00

The second Birth Mom Retreat is scheduled for September 11 - 13 at Zion's Camp. We will be meeting there around 7 p.m. I look forward to lots of fun, sharing and connecting. We will paddle boat, journal, walk, eat, talk and more.

I just got a call today from Beth telling me that she and Nicole would be coming. Hooray. Two more to share the fun.

Tara will be teaching a class on personal growth. Julie A. will be doing "Malory Drawing" for personal insight. Sunday, we hope to top of the weekend with personal growth.

Thanks to the internet which includes blogs, web site and facebook, Tara and I are expanding our outreach to girls from as far back as my beginnings at LDS FS. If Aubrie comes, that would be my second birth mom I ever worked with. Tara has even connected to women that did not work with the agency, but wants to participate in the support.

2008 Retreat

FAST ACTION

2009-06-27T17:41:00.000-07:00

Last week, a birth mother was referred to the agency through the missionaries who called the Relief Society President. She has a 2 month old child and was concerned for his safety due to struggle with birth father. She felt it was best to place baby for adoption, as she had planned previously. She came into the office on Wednesday and allowed someone to care for the baby over night while she made a decision about the adoptive couple she would choose. It didn't take her long to find someone she thought would be the "best" for her son. I had to laugh a little when she said she "wasn't very good at making decisions" because she made this decision fairly easily. She knew exactly what she wanted for her son: safety, someone that would love him and want him, a couple that wanted children but couldn't have them. Mostly, she wanted her son to be happy.

She met the chosen adoptive couple the next day. I was impressed with the bond that they developed quickly. Birth mom's story was sad and it thrilled me to see someone reach out to her and support her. The Relief Society president has also been wonderful.

After the visit, birth mom asked the couple to take baby home. Knowing that they might not be able to keep this little boy, they were glad to take him and care for him until it can be determined if parental rights can be terminated.

The couple send email and picture frequently to birth mom. They said I could share. They said that this little boy has changed their life and they would gladly care for him, even if they are not able to keep him.

Birth mom with gift quilt

Couple with Baby

More Imports

2009-05-17T22:01:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention that I have imported my first blog into this blog. The first blog is in purple.

I tried to keep the date on each entry.

PLACEMENT

2009-05-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

5/11/2009

Today I met with Lisa and her chosen adoptive couple to do placement. Due to distance, I had not met either party prior to this day. There was some apprehension because birth father had showed up and wanted involvement in the last few weeks of the pregnancy. Although he said he was going to cooperate with adoption, there was still a concern from birth mom that he might try to disrupt her plans for the adoption.

After meeting with birth mom and adoptive couple, we did the official “placement”. Baby was a star at this time by pooping his pants about 3 times in 30 min. Apparently he had been saving up. We all knew that the birth father would be arriving soon, so we decided that they would leave so that they did not bump into each other in departure/arrival. Just as they left my hotel room, the birth father called saying that he was down stairs. I had a brief feeling of panic that they would all collide in the hall way. Lucky for all of us, he came up a different entrance and they missed each other.

During my meeting with birth father, he said he would like to meet “his baby” before he signed. I called the adoptive couple and they agreed to return with baby to meet the birth father. When everyone arrived, I was impressed with the birth father’s tender response in hugging birth mom. He was tearful in meeting the couple and baby. We all visited a short time before he was ready to sign the legal consent. We continued to visit and share information. It was a sweet experience and will bring peace to all parties for the opportunity to meet.

Previously, the adoptive dad told me that their first son was only 19 months old. They had just completed their Adoption Study and were on the “beta” web site. The mom was concerned that their profile would not be seen unless they got onto the “old” web site. They went thru the hassle of getting onto the site and had 2 hits on the same day—both from my birth moms. They were chosen by Lisa. They felt that the Lord led them to each other. They also had picked the same name for “their child”. How cool is that?

AN IDEA IS BORN

2009-05-13T21:34:00.000-07:00

For the past few months, I (Tawnia) have been working with an intern (Tara).
We call ourselves the TA TA GIRLS.

Through all the stress of the work, we enjoy each other.
We both have a passion to connect, help, support, and give a voice to Birth Mothers.
I have a blog---Birth Mother Heroes, which is where I share some of my experience as a "birth parent worker" at LDS Family Services.

Tara placed a child about 7 years ago.
She is developing a web page for birth moms.
The plan also includes girl talking through the Internet to find personal support and sharing information.

I have long felt that Birth Moms are the "un-sung hero".
I want to give attention to the "giver" (birth mom), not the "receiver" (adoptive couple) or the "gift" (baby).
It is easy to love the baby as the new parents are gifted.
It is difficult to sacrifice what you love for reasons not easily understood to others and move forward in life.

FSA (FAMILIES SUPPORTING ADOPTION) CONFERENCE

2009-05-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

Recently, July 2008, Families Supporting Adoption, hosted a regional conference in Bellevue. Part of my responsibility was to introduce the birth mother panels for each day. On Friday, a mother/daughter team from Oregon shared and Tara (my colleague and intern) with her mother spoke about their experience.

Oregon mom shared about the challenges of placing over 20 years ago and the painful feelings of the experience—especially knowing so little. She currently runs the birth parent group for her local agency and shared how difficult it was/is to go back and visit some of her feelings as she works with the birth moms. Her daughter placed two children in the last few years. Her story was told through mom’s experience (BM shy). One painful piece was the way people treated her daughter and as her mother not being able to do anything about what her daughter would experience through this experience.

Tara’s mom agreed that being the grandma was difficult and wishing she could do more to help her daughter. She talked of the struggles her daughter has had through life.
Tara placed over eight years ago and received very little letters/photos from her adoptive couple. Working with the birth moms through her internship has awakened feelings of grief and anger that she didn’t allow herself to feel before. “The pain (of placing a child) doesn’t ever go away, but it has gotten less over the years,” she shared. “I haven’t forgotten my child.” Her sadness comes from not knowing anything about her child. She told the audience to not be afraid of their birth mother, to support and love her. “We aren’t scary”, she said.

Both birth moms are now married. Tara has had a child since placement. The Oregon mom has a child and announced to her mom that she was expecting. Her husband will be getting on a submarine in a few days and going out to sea. Tell me that isn’t hard.

I AM POUTING

2009-05-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

I MISS TARA!

She reminded me today that it was just about a year ago when we started having some of our adventures. Perhaps I can share some of them later. Through the past year, we have served many and grown "tight". She would tease me that she would know what I was going to say or do before I did it.

Sadly, during this time together, Tara had plenty of hardships. Sore tooth, numb face, leaking roof, flooded basement, run over cell phone, lost jobs and more.......

We also worked together to share ideas and help birth moms. Tara helped put on the first Birth Mother Day. She planned the first Birth Mother Retreat. We even gave a "shower" of love to the girls we worked with and presented them with a donated quilt. (more to come later)

I keep trying to get her to come back to visit.

MICHAEL MCLEAN

2009-05-13T21:25:00.000-07:00

On Friday evening, Michael McLean came to the FSA conference. He sat at my dining table and I was able to listen to him visit with people and watch the interaction. I did not want to hog his time and didn’t have much to say because I thought his presence was for the other people attending the conference. Tara says she “loves him because he is depressed”. We wondered if he were not depressed if he would be able to write the songs. We also wondered what “depression” could teach an individual struggling with heavy feelings.

Michael’s performance was like a fireside. He spoke about his songs/feelings/learning and then sang the song. He shared his experience of having the Savior closer to his life and how that came to be—he started seeing things differently. He spoke a little of his wife and children. He shared about becoming a “grandpa” and having a new perspective of parents of a placing birth mom.
In the end, Michael invited the audience to sing the chorus with him. We weren’t loud enough the first time, so we did it again. (Does that sound like Primary?) I was glad to sing again because I wanted to get louder and feel more. I was sitting with Tara on one side and my daughter on the other. Next to my daughter was the agency attorney who received an award that evening for being a “Friend of Adoption”. I think he is a great man and appreciate what he does for the agency. The four of us joined arms (Michael’s request) and sang along, getting louder and louder. I felt connected, in that row, to some of the pain that might be felt and the hope for healing. I know my pain isn’t like anyone else’s. We all suffer or feel in different ways. Tara has asked me how I can be so “happy” and I tell her it is a choice for me. I cannot afford to go “under”. Anyway, as Tara said, working with birth moms is painful----YET, what else would we do?

These girls are heroes to me and they deserve to be loved and supported. I choose to be a part of that, even if it means I have to see and experience pain.
I hope that people everywhere, especially birth moms, will find the love, peace and healing they need as they “never forget”.

MORE FSA ADVENTURES

2009-05-13T21:23:00.000-07:00

Saturday morning, I met with Stacey to work on one of our future plans. We are hoping to come up with a presentation that birth moms can take into the local high schools to educate them about the Adoption Option. We brain stormed and plan to have a power point and outline ready to go soon. Stacey even has 2 classes waiting to be the “guinea pig”. (It is amazing what can happen when people step in to help make a difference.)

As we visited, Stacey asked if I knew Emily—a birth mom that Stacey had come across. I did remember Emily and we were saying “it is a small world”. As the conversation and planning slowed, I asked Stacey to go to the LDS Bookstore with me. I needed to have my new scriptures engraved. When we entered the store, there was Michael McLean signing books. He remembered me from last night. (He should have because he had a photo taken with me.) He was busy signing and talking, so I moved on quickly. I had my scriptures engraved and was turning to leave when Emily appeared. She just happened to be in the store with 3 of her children and she was pregnant with #5. I thought it was too amazing that Stacey and I were talking about her and then we run into her. Really small world.

As we visited, Michael McLean came up to me and asked if I needed anything from him. I was puzzled and then realized he probably through I wanted an autograph or to purchase one of his items. I needed neither and told him I great. He expressed appreciation to me for “being in the trenches” and offered a hug. (Tara scolded me later for not getting an autograph for her.)

SECOND BIRTH MOM PANEL

2009-05-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

October 13, 2008

Saturday also brought another birth mother panel. Brooke (placed about 8 years ago) was on the panel. She has to choose a family at the last minute and was amazed that the birth father cooperated with her choice. Although things changed in the end and happened quickly, she doesn’t regret her choice of placement. She is currently married with 3 children (including twins). She sang a beautiful song she has written about being a birth mom. (Hope she has a CD soon.)

Stacey placed about 5 years ago. She struggled with “what to do” until the very end. She lived in a “foster home” situation in order to away from family pressures. She had a great job but wanted more education. She finally found an adoptive couple and decided to place. She has finished her college degree and just switched employment doing a job with some travel.
Janessa moved to the Washington area after placing her baby who is now 1 year old. She has an “open adoption” and chooses to visit her daughter who lives in another state. She says that seeing her daughter it hard—difficult for about 1 month after the visit. She says she made the “right decision”, but wants to see her baby for now.

The girls answered questions that the hopeful adoptive couples had. The panel allows birth moms to educate adoptive couples on communicating pre/post placement.

HARVEST MOON

2009-05-13T21:13:00.000-07:00

It was a little dark when I left home this morning and the moon was out. It was a large, beautiful, harvest moon. I just looked at it and enjoyed. I miss the sun, but with that lose come something new---crisp, cool days and a large, shinning moon.

So it is with life--when one door closes, another one opens. I think that is a Country Western song, isn't it????

There are pros and cons to each decision. Once a decision is made and I cannot turn back, I try to move forward. Looking back is a "killer". If a decision can be changed, do what needs to be done. If a decision cannot be changed, do what you need to do to move forward. And in the moving forward, ask yourself, "What have I learned". That is the important piece.

Old Blog into New Blog

2009-05-13T21:07:00.001-07:00

NOTICE!

I have copied all the entries from my first blog into my this blog.
The date it was copied is entered along with the date of the entry.
These entried will all be in blue.

LUNCH WITH TAMMY

2009-05-07T14:48:00.000-07:00

Monday, June 05, 2006

I had lunch recently with Tammy. She placed her daughter for adoption 8 years ago and we continue to have contact. She has married, had a son, divorced and has been a single mom for about 4 years. She is currently completing her AA degree and hopes to eventually work in the adoption field or human services once she completes her BA degree.

Tammy was one of my “wild” girls and I still smile when I think of her. She loved to dance and party and found it difficult at times to live her standards. She had enthusiasm for life without focus on a goal. Being a mom has helped her move forward with a purpose. She has been more successful in school since being a mom. She has also participated in some helpful group therapy which helped her address her relationship issues. Yea, Tammy.

We met for lunch because she was visiting family in the area and wanted to tell me about you plans to marry. She met Richard on the Internet. They became acquainted by phone before meeting in person. He lives in Washington DC and she lives in Washington . They plan to be married in the temple this summer. I am so happy for Tammy and pray that the one she chooses to marry is honest in his dealings with her.

It was fun to hear her talk about finishing school, buying a house, having a “ring” and raising more children with a father. At 30, she has had many experiences that I hope help her as she continues to go forward in her life.

CORE STRENGTH

2009-05-07T14:45:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Core Strength

Leah delivered a baby boy on Sunday after being induced and having a C-section. It was a long haul. Leah demonstrated incredible strength and determination through this pregnancy. She came to me stating she was going to keep her baby because she knew the birth father would not cooperate and she was old enough to parent a child. She later had a spiritual impression that caused her to consider adoption. She changed her mind, decided to place her child and has agonized over whether or not the birth father would cooperate. Her blood pressure sky rocketed due to the stress.

One evening after group, Leah and I tried calling the birth father again. Much to our surprise, he answered the phone and said that although he didn’t want to place his child, he was going to cooperate with the adoption. Leah wept. It seemed to be a miracle. It has been interesting to watch things come into place for Leah. Although it has not been easy, it appears that she is going to be able to place. She feels strongly it is not her time to raise a child and the adoptive couple she has chosen is better prepared to parent her baby.

Leah stayed in the hospital 3 days before going home. She had planned to go home with her baby for a few days. On her first day home, she became overwhelmed with feelings of doubt. She called me crying and asked to come in for a visit. She came in immediately and we talked about her concerns. I told Leah the worst thing she could do was to place her baby because she didn’t want to “disappoint people”. I told her that many people might be hurt if she kept, but they would get over it. Leah said she didn’t know how much she would love her son after he was born and letting him go was much more difficult that she expected. She feared she would not be able to recover from the loss.As we visited, she decided that she would like to meet the adoptive couple that had driven many miles to meet her. They arrived shortly and we all visited, feeling tense as we were all aware of Leah “leaning towards keeping”. Twenty minutes into the visit, Leah asked to talk to me alone. She told me privately that they knew this was the family to raise her son. She told me that she knew from the minute they walked into the room to meet her. She felt peace and was confident that she wanted to place her son for adoption.

In this roller coaster ride that Leah was experiencing, she held onto her core for strength. She listened to her heart and her mind. She prepared herself, and although she was side-swiped by a wave of hormones, she was able to follow through with her plan. She cried at placement when she left without her son, but she holds on to the knowledge that she will see him again some day.

I know people wonder, "Why did she do it?" I can tell you "Why". Because she was thinking about her baby rather than herself. She was willing to suffer in order for her son to have a mother and a father.

"CRISIS"

2009-05-07T14:17:00.000-07:00

Sunday, May 07, 2006

At group last week, we had about 9 pregnant females in attendance plus a Dula, a volunteer helper and me. One of the pregnant females is Heidi—placed a baby 4 years ago, is married, about 3 months pregnant and comes to group to help other girls. I decided I better bring another bread machine and make 2 loaves of bread because it goes fast.

A dula is a woman that helps woman during labor-delivery-post partum. Shelby, our dula, got involved with our group by recently working with one of my girls. Shelby expressed interest in adoption and working with birth moms, so we now have a new support and I am so excited. She is also going to become trained on child birth classes and will teach the girls in group. She also answers questions that the girls have concerning pregnancy and birthing during group.For the past years, there hasn’t been much of a “group”.

Either there are not any girls I am working with or they live too far away to come to the office for group support. I am thrilled at the increase in attendance this year. Currently, we meet every other week at 3:30 p.m. and schedule for 1 ½ hour. It is not unusual for the girls to linger until 6 p.m. or later, just visiting. In fact, last week, the girls were leaving group about 6:30 p.m. and going over to I-Hop to get something to eat. I did not join them because I had an “I 2 Eye” appointment (internet/TV) with a birth mother in Anchorage. My heart rejoiced to see the connection the girls were making with each other and building support for the difficulties they would be facing.

In May, 3 girls will be having their babies. One has chosen a family and is making final preparations. On the weekend, she had a “crisis” that we talked about at group. She had been shopping for baby items because her plan is to take the baby home for a few days after she leaves the hospital because the birth father (in another state) wants to see the baby before placement. We do not want to contact the birth father prior to termination of parental rights. “Angie” realizes this will be hard, but has been so focused on adoption, that she believed she could handle taking the baby home and still go through with adoption. Her “crisis” was feeling overwhelmed with fear of changing her mind and not telling me or keeping and wishing she had placed. In group, she could laugh at her “crisis” but at the time, it was difficult for her. I wanted her to share so the other girls could hear what they might also experience.

“Angie” called me during the “crisis” and we talked. I told her that it was good practice telling she might change her mind. If a birth mother cannot tell me what she wants, I am in big trouble. The trouble comes after the placement when she is not happy and it is too late to do anything about placing the baby other than healing and moving forward. I told “Angie” it was normal to have second thoughts, especially since she was making such a major decision. Unfortunately, even if an adoption decision is sound, planned and thought out, hormones make it difficult and there is emotional pain. Trying to avoid the pain from placement might help in the moment, but one doesn’t know what the future will hold for the mother or the child.

“Angie” shared at group, that after her “crisis” and falling apart, she soon felt better. She continues to focus on placing her son for adoption. She is anxious to no longer be pregnant. She loves her adoptive couple. She shared that the evening of her “crisis” she got an email from the adoptive mom telling her that they (adoptive couple) would love her even if she changed her mind. We talked in group about how in-tune and timely that email was--a blessing.

UPDATE ON "JAKE"

2009-05-07T14:10:00.001-07:00

Monday, May 08, 2006

I want to do a follow-up on the 2 ½ year old, “Jake”. I had several women comment to me, “How could she place him for adoption” and “what about the sister”.

“Judge not”. The web page doesn’t tell the whole story. I think Mom realized that she wasn’t able to give Jake what he needed. She said she would be “overly mothering” at times and “angry/frustrated” at other times. She wanted more for Jake than she saw herself giving him. That caused her pain and hurt Jake. I don’t know the role of step-dad in all this. Addiction issues were a concern.

Since the placement, mom called me daily to see how Jake was doing. She has received a few picture/letter in the form of scrap book pages from the adoptive couple. She knows how well Jake is doing in his new home. Jake loves his new parents, calling them mom and dad already. He has the full attention of 2 adults that are thrilled to have him. Adoptive mom commented that after Jake was in her home a short time, she cried and cried because she felt so blessed to have him and couldn’t remember not having him. In a short time, she and dad are so connected that it would be difficult to loose him. They have been to the park, on walks, visited cousins, attended church and more. If Jake suffers from being placed for adoption at the age of 2 ½, just think about what he might suffer if he stayed in his original home.

Birth Mom appeared with me and the attorney before the Judge. She was clear in stating that she knew what she was doing and felt it was in the best interest of her child. I agree with her. Jake is free of the conflict that was happening in the home. Unfortunately, the 6 year old sister and baby brother are still in the home. I believe that mom and her family are connected enough to sister that she will be safe. I think sister could see what was happening to her brother and knows he is in a better place.

I will share with you that Jake is thriving in his new home. I also think that Mom has a better chance in being successful in her life. She has completed flagging school and started working. So, now when you look at a female flagers—be nice, maybe it is her, and think about how brave and unselfish she was. She sacrificed her feelings in order to give her son a better life.

ZING - ANOTHER IDEA

2009-05-07T14:04:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Sometimes I am just going along in my life when I am suddenly “enlightened” by some awesome idea. I ask myself where this idea came from. When the idea has nothing to do with anything, I consider the possibility of being inspired and I am thrilled that I had a random idea attack. The more random the idea, the more I think I am inspired. I will usually ask myself, “What were you just thinking?” I seem to get a “random idea” if I “wonder”. Wondering has brought me many insights.

A great time for me to wonder is when I am trying to understand what is going on for someone else. When the idea ZINGS into my brain, I pay attention to it because it could be helpful. One morning, I was in my bed, working on waking up. (Morning is the time I pretend I am getting up as I ponder or pray. As I sleepily wander through my day and wonder about things, helpful thoughts might come to me. This reflection time might also occur in the shower or when I am driving.) I visited with my daughter the previous night. She hadn’t been feeling well, so we were talking about her symptoms. In my “waking up state” I wondered what was going on with my daughter. ZING! In comes the idea that she had been attacked. I was shocked because an attack seemed terrible. The thought was so random; I decided to wonder more about it. You can bet that I was feeling a little more awake at this time. As I thought about “attack” I realized that perhaps it could mean something other that being attacked by another person. The idea came to me that her body was being attacked by something. I didn’t end up with a firm idea of what was happening for my daughter, but I did feel more empathy for her. Before getting out of bed, I sent her healing energy. (Oh, mom, that's woo woo.)

Another time, I was visiting with my friend Wendy. She is a therapist and I value her expertise. If someone asked me who my “hero” was, it would be a person that I think can easily learn and use the knowledge to help self and others. Someone I admire would be Wendy. She was sharing about her sister getting remarried. I was listening, but my subconscious must have also been listening. The idea ZINGED in that the future husband was Afro-American and this might be difficult for the family to accept. I didn’t know where the idea came from until I realized that I had just been unconsciously wondering what the fiancée was like. Wondering must have brought in the idea. I shared my thought with Wendy, “Is he Black?” She answered, “How did you know?” We laughed and I felt inspired. This incident was a wake-up call for me to value my own intuition.

My hope is that I will develop and use my gifts, whatever they are. I think we all have potentials far beyond our expectation. I you ask me, ZINGERS are right up there with x-ray vision.

TACOMA TIDE

2009-05-07T13:57:00.000-07:00

Sunday, May 21, 2006

I saw a great commercial the other day. A man drove onto a beach in his Tacoma truck. He got out, took his kayak into the ocean and disappeared. Using time lapse photography, the tide came in until the truck was tossed and tumbled by the waves. At some point, the truck was submerged and rolled in the ocean. The tide eventually receded, leaving the truck sitting up right again. The man returned and loaded his kayak into the back of his truck. I watched with my mouth open and laughed as the man drove away.

I chuckle when I recall this commercial. To the man, it was as if nothing had happened to his truck. For the viewer, it was amazing that the truck survived and started. The commercial, stating that the truck was “resilient”, seemed to be a metaphor. To the man, it seemed that nothing had happened to the truck. The truck, however, had been through a difficult or challenging situation. I don’t know if the truck would really survive such a thing in “real life”.

I do know a birth mother that places her baby for adoption goes through a difficult challenge. Often, people cannot understand what she has been through or even know of the challenge. In “real life” I have seen many women survive the experience and go forward.

One thing that struck me from seeing the commercial was NOT about buying a Tacoma truck, but that I want to be resilient in my life. I want to overcome my challenges and grow. If I am going to face a challenge, I want to land on my four tires, start my engine and keep on going. Life can be a wipe out or a learning experience.

I dedicate this entry to Courtney. She had a baby boy on Saturday. The hospital social worker called to let me know she was concerned about Courtney “clinging to her baby like Velcro to her chest”. (What doest she expect? The girl has a short time with her child. I would be "clinging" too.) She thought Courtney was being pressured to place her baby by her mother. The social worker called me again later to tell me she was impressed by the “maturity of this 17 year old that wanted more for her baby—a mother and father and more”. I think the social worker couldn’t understand why I wasn’t at the hospital and doing my “casework” with this young girl. Little did she know that the “casework” had been happening for months prior to the birth. Courtney has prepared to think about what is best for her baby over what would make her feel good. I see her as “resilient” and courageous.

posted by Tawnia @ 10:00 PM 0 comments

THEY CAME IN THREES

2009-05-07T13:55:00.000-07:00

Saturday, May 27, 2006

What a week! Three of the girls and I am working with delivered this week: Saturday morning, Sunday evening and Tuesday afternoon. I did the final placement today. Two of the girls seemed to sail through easily. The last placement, today, was a struggle. Birth Mom had been firm in her decision to place, but struggled when it came time to say goodbye. She previously had an emotional time before the baby was born, but was able to talk her way through her feelings. (This is normal.) She got caught up on, "Is this really the right things to do?" When the adoptive couple arrived from out of state, she struggled again but decided to meet them even though she wasn't sure what she was going to do. (This time she was faced with the "finality" of her decision.) Once she met them, she had the reassurance and peace she needed to follow through. More evidence for Hero Status.

When I say, "What a week!", it is nothing to compare to the week these women had. I was just trying to keep up with the paperwork, be supportive and get everything done. Each placement was so different and each young woman is coping in her own way. Tuesday we will have Group and celebrate the birth of the babies with brownies and ice cream.

About three years ago, I had the "Three's" in March. I had barely found out about a birth mom in Alaska when I received the call that the baby was born. I flew to Alaska the next day. Just before I left, Emmy had her baby. I was able to visit her after delivery, but wasn't around for the placement. While in Alaska, another girl delivered. I was able to get home before the placement. The birth mom in Alaska had chosen a couple that lived in Germany (temporary due to military assignment). I was able to meet the adoptive couple briefly and introduce them to the volunteer so she could do the placement.

Some one in the office that was observing the happenings of the week (she adopted 20 years ago) commented that she liked the way adoption was done in all those years ago. She didn't feel comfortable with the information that birth parents had. I hear this type of comment often. I have worked with Birth Parents for 16 years. Over the years, a birth mother has been given more options and power in the process. I think it is a great improvement and helps in the healing process.

CAN YOU HELP ME?

2009-05-07T13:48:00.000-07:00

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Friday was busy—nothing new. Adding to the items that needed attention was a call coming in from a young woman interested in placing a 2 ½ year old son for adoption. This is an unusual request and I needed to find a foster home before I could pick up the little boy on Saturday. After many phone calls, I was able to make the necessary arrangements and prepare for tomorrow.

On Saturday, I received the phone call from mom again, with directions to her temporary home. When I arrived, I found a young family: mom (daughter from previous relationship, son from “rape”) and husband with an 11 month old they share. Life had become complicated and mom believed she wasn’t able to give her son the love and stable family she wanted him to have. She tried to bond, but didn’t feel she was able to love him in the same way as she loved her other children. She felt guilty about this. We talked, filled out the paperwork and planned to meet after the weekend. I wanted to give her some time away from her son before making any final decisions.

The person having the hardest time was older sister. She cried and cried saying, “I don’t want him to leave”. This brought tears to mom’s eyes. Mom asked me if “Jake” knew what was going on because she said he just seemed to know he was leaving and was calm about it. Sister eventually calmed and occasionally asks mom about “Jake”.

I drove “Jake” to a church to wait for a ride to his temporary home. He didn’t fuss at all on the drive and quickly fell asleep until we arrived at the church. While we waited for his next ride to arrive, we ran and played outside—having lots of fun. He is a beautiful child.

I have had several calls from mom since the time “Jake” and I left. She has been concerned about how he is doing. I was able to report that he is doing great. He is temporarily staying with a family that has 4 little boys. He loves the boys, toys and trampoline. Foster Mom said he seemed to like the routine: bath, PJ’s, bedtime story and quickly went to sleep. He slept through the night except when he got cold when he kicked off his covers.

On Saturday, mom asked me if “Jake” would be messed up because of an adoption. I told her I could not answer this, but hoped that wouldn’t be the case. I hope that Heavenly Father will help “Jake”, his sister, mother and future family. I believe in MIRACLE.

MY ADD (attention deficiet) LIFE

2009-05-07T13:46:00.000-07:00

Monday, March 06, 2006

I was visiting with my neighbor, Karen—actually, I went over to her home to get some help with a jewelry making project. I like rocks, all kinds. I collect them from the beach and from the store. I am not a big fan of jewelry until recently when I discovered that rocks could be made into jewelry. I had such a rock and needed help converting it into something that would hang around my neck. Karen is talented in areas that I have not discovered my talents--one being jewelry making.

As she was making my jewelry, we were chatting about having so many interests and not having enough time. She laughed and said, “It is like having an ADD life”. (ADD, as in attention deficient disorder or hyperactivity or in our case, hyper-interests.) We both agreed that we were grateful to have so many interests, some that we have not even discovered, because these interests keep life fun and full of discovery.

I noticed at the Bead Store, a beautiful rock hanging around someone’s neck. This rock was wrapped with silver to make something that I knew my rocks would be beautiful in. And, I was in luck---there was a class on this jewelry making Oh, dear! Could it be another interest? I decided to let my mind consider the idea before jumping into another way to spend money and time. I even sorted through my rock, looking for the ones that would look beautiful wrapped in such a way and pondered what else I might do with my gems. So far I haven’t “registered” to become a budding “rock embellisher”, but you can watch for me on QVC.

I think that people are a little like rocks. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some are polished, some are cracked. I choose to look for the beauty in each individual rock. A rock might look like a simple stone and perhaps that is all it is. Even a simple stone can be something special or serve a purpose. Maybe when it is cracked open or polished, who knows what will be inside? Life has a way to crack us and polish us. Shall we look inside?

ROCKS

2009-05-07T13:44:00.001-07:00

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

As mentioned yesterday, I like rocks. So did my father. When he was middle aged, he would bring home jumbo rocks to put in the yard. Sometimes he would gather small rocks, stack ‘em, glue ‘em together in 2’s or 3’s and give his creation to a grandchild. The family would laugh at my dad for his “thing with rocks”.

Here I am, years later, realizing I also have a “thing with rocks.” I even found a rock to represent me. I found it in my mind first. I was doing visualization for personal growth and saw a rock. I later went to the Black Market Mineral Store to find my visual metaphor. It was a ¼ of a geode that was cut and polished on 2 sides. The outer crust was rough, almost ugly if that is all one saw. Cut open, inside were many, many clear crystals with shades of blue closer to the outer edge. I saw the multi-facets inside my rock as the many parts within me. This rock reminds me to see my many parts as well as embrace my inner beauty.

My point---we are multi-faceted. We are complex. Look inside and find what is good about you. I gave up self criticism long ago and decided to look for what is good about me.

FUNNY STORY

2009-05-07T13:30:00.000-07:00

Thursday, March 09, 2006

My husband was out of town, so I decided to get up early to go exercise. Due to the electricity blowing out from the wind storms, my alarm clock was no longer working. I tried several times to set an expensive alarm and finally gave up. (Have I mentioned before that I am challenged in many ways? I guess one way is with alarm clocks.) I set the little cheap alarm and went to bed far too late to get much sleep.

I was determined to wake up, so when the alarm went off, I only swiped at it a few times before I realized it wasn't the alarm by me, but something noisy on the other side of the room. I guess the expensive alarm did work.

I was sooooo tired, that I thought I would rest for just a few minutes. Then the alarm goes off again---on the other side of the bed. Apparently the expensive alarm clock worked.

I got up, dressed in a hurry and exited the house at this early hour. I have a remote trunk opener, which I used to put all my bags into. (I have a bag for working out, and one with all my change into work clothes.) Whoops, I accidently set off the car alarm. Hope the neighbors didn't mind at this early hour. I noticed the clock in the car said 3 A.M. I was a little confused and was sure there was an electrical error. (I have been known to cause electrical car error due to my energetic personality.) I continued on my way out the driveway when I wondered about the time. I couldn't be sure because 3:30 or 5:30, it is all dark. I was really confused and decided to return to the house to check and see if the clocks in the house were messed up too. Once I got inside, sure enough, all the clocks were messed up, just like the car. The house clocks all said 3:30 A.M. It took a little time to realize that I was the one messed up and the time was actually 3:30 A.M. That was over 2 hours earlier that I expected to awaken. I am sure the neighbor's didn't like hearing the car alarm that early either.

Well, I crawled back into bed, but was so wound up, I never fell back asleep. When 5:30 A.M. finally arrived, I got out of bed AGAIN. I had a good chuckle.

My day was long and I was tired by 6:30 P.M. I was wearing my new fancy cowboy boot--just what a girl needs for a long day. I was helping a young birth mom deal with emotions around placement and saying goodbye. I left the room to use the rest room and returned to help birth mom leave. She had been crying and struggling for about 2 hours. As I walked over to give her support, she asked me, "What is on your boot?" I was dragging toilet paper on one boot heel. We all cracked up laughing.

I just shook my head and thought to myself--A very FUNNY DAY. I hope you are laughing too.

TRANSFORMING THE DIFFICULT CHILD

2009-05-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

Saturday, March 18, 2006

I recently attended a class called “Transforming the Difficult Child”. I enjoyed the instructor, but didn’t learn much because he taught what I already believed. I did get a few “gems”. Basically, he taught—be positive with children:
1. give frequent, positive feedback, being clear and specific rather than just saying “good job”
2. spend time with children in a positive way
3. use rewards over punishment or “take away”
4. if time out is needed, make it short (a minute)
5. don’t engage in power struggles
6. make the explanation clear to “earn rewards”
7. make the expectations for behavior clear

This program can help children of all ages—even adults. I think most of us do better with positive feedback and knowledge of the expectations.

Another point he made was regarding a child’s “intensity”. I liked this idea. People are different and so are children. We are all going about our journey in the best way we know how, trying to get out needs meet. We all have different needs and different ways of doing our journey. I decided I want to be someone that can help others manage their intensity in such a way that they are able to accomplish their life’s missions. We are all going somewhere and we can all use support. Our “intensity” if part of our “gifts” and learning to manage our “intensity” helps us grow stronger.

Transforming the Difficult Child is a book. The speaker/author claims his ideas even works with ADD children.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY

2009-05-07T13:23:00.000-07:00

Friday, March 19, 2006

Over the years, I have not been a fan of writing. I thought about writing a book, even started, but let it drop because my thoughts and ideas are so “random”. You are probably wondering why I Blog. Well, I decided that I did HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY and wanted to share with others.

Now that I realize that I have something to say, some of my ideas have shown up in print under another writer’s name. I am not insinuating that someone stole my ideas, just that someone printed their idea and it was an idea I already had.One such idea was in a church magazine. I’ll share my version with you. I have shared this idea in counseling sessions, but never put it into print. The author of the article was a therapist.

I believe I existed prior to my birth on earth. Although I don’t remember that pre-life, I think that some part of my being does. I can imagine feeling so “perfectly loved” by my Heavenly Father, that when I came to earth, I began searching for that same “perfect love”. No matter how wonderful my parents might be, they cannot compare to what I must have felt from my Heavenly Father, and so I search. Nothing can fill that void except a reconnection through a spiritual relationship with God. Some people turn to food, gambling, shopping, chocolate, sex, pornography…..Nothing will replace that “perfect love”. I have come to realize that I have so much more capabilities as I build a close relationship to my God. I also have more ability to help and inspire other people towards their positive goals.

Finding that “perfect love” comes from talking with Him. Get to know Him and share your joy, pain, struggle, success….with Him. Take the time to find Him and as you do, you will find yourself and a love far greater that any “boy” can give you. Good luck. Enjoy the journey. You will discover how fascinating you are and that you are indeed “loveable”.

posted by Tawnia @ 6:50 PM 0 comments

FULL CIRCLE

2009-05-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

(names have been changed)

Several years ago I met Sarah. She wanted to move out of the area in order to keep her pregnancy confidential. I met with her briefly, offered support and sent her to another office. Jim, birth father, was in my service area, so I worked with him. He was not interested in placing his child for adoption; however, he said he would consider what Sarah wanted. I explained that Sarah wanted to place their child for adoption so they could both go forward with their lives as individuals. Sarah loved her child, but wanted a mother and father raising her baby.

In an attempt to connect with Jim at our first meeting, I talked about things that that he was interested in. I learned that he loved the outdoors (hunting, fishing), enjoying these activities with his father as he grew up. I shared with him that I had a brother who was also an outdoorsman and the joy it brought into his life.

As part of the process to encourage Jim to consider adoption, the three of us met to look at adoptive couple profiles, hoping Sarah and Jim could agree on a couple. They could not find a couple that met what they were both looking for.

I continued to meet with Jim. At one visit, he asked about my brother. He said he wanted his son to grow up like his did, in a family involved in hunting and fishing. This “love” had been passed from father to son for several generations. He asked if my brother would consider adopting a child. I was surprised by his question. I explained that my brother and his wife had 2 daughters (12 and 14 years old) and weren’t able to conceive again. They wanted more children, but no more children came into their home. Sarah wanted her child to go to a home that did not have children, but was willing to consider this option in order to work with Jim. As it turned out, my brother’s family was thrilled at the possibility of adopting another child. Letters and pictures were exchanged before Sarah and Jim decided this family was right for their child. Sarah chose to meet the adoptive couple (my brother and his wife).

A beautiful baby boy was born to Sarah. When he was a few days old, Sarah placed “Hunter” in my brother’s arms. He is a wonderful child and both his families love him very much. As he has grown, he has a strong interest in hunting, camping, fishing and the great outdoors. He is a combination of his birth father and adoptive father, as well as birth mother and adoptive mother.

Recently, Sarah invited me to attend her temple wedding. We have kept in touch throughout the years. She served a mission and will soon graduate from college. It seemed odd to sit in a room with so many people and not feel a part of the group. Very few people there knew who I was because of the confidentiality of Sarah’s choice. After the ceremony, one by one, the attendees (important people to the newly weds) walked past the couple to congratulate them. As I approached Sarah, I started to cry. I was touched emotionally to be able to share in this important event. Crying, I embraced her and whispered in her ear that I loved her and was happy for her. Now she was starting her own eternal family.

BABY BORN

2009-05-06T15:07:00.000-07:00

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 29, 2006

Ashley had her baby last Wednesday. A beautiful baby girl—7 pounds 14 ounces. She was fortunate to have a dula help her through delivery and follow-up. Ashley had a firm decision to place and then the baby was born. This is always a difficult time. Girls are torn between the decision they believe is best for the baby and their desires to be with their child.

Ashley checked out of the hospital on Thursday and spent the night with the baby at a friend’s home. On Friday, she decided that she would place the baby with the adoptive couple on Saturday. The placement was sweet. Ashley invited her 4 siblings and mother to be present. They spent 2 hours visiting and then went to get something to eat before saying goodbye.

On Sunday afternoon, Ashley called to tell me she was so lonely and wanted her baby back. She was struggling with big feelings of emptiness and being alone at the house. She decided that she could wait until the next day to make any decisions.

When I talked to Ashley on Monday, she asked if she could visit with the adoptive couple again. She thought she needed a little more time to get to know them. The arrangements were made and Ashley was soon visiting with her “couple” again. They spent 3 hours together (Ashley, couple, baby). The focus, this time, was all about Ashley. Typically, Ashley is the one taking care of everyone. This time, she let her needs be met. After the visit, Ashley was ready to have her parental rights terminated. She said, “I am so blessed to have the best adoptive couple in the world”. Ashley’s couple loves her enough to take care of her needs. It was beautiful to see. As of today, she continues to heal.

YOUNG AND OLD

2009-05-06T15:01:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Young AND Old

I had brunch the other day to celebrate a friend’s birthday. As we visited, topics ranged from teasing, spouses’ recent surgery, wrinkles (character marks), big noses, cut off fingers (I have one)……. Our ages ranged from 23 to 54 years old.

Eventually someone commented that the younger women in our church group didn’t want to be with us because we were “older”.

WHAT? I exclaimed. I found this hard to believe. I realize I am “older” when I look in the mirror. In spite of what is reflected back to me, I also see myself as multi-talented, funny, and resourceful and someone that most people would want to be with.

I have come to believe this about myself in my “mature” years. This realization has been one of the benefits of aging for me. Over the years, my confidence has grown with my experiences and I recognize my strengths in many ways. I purposefully decided in my younger years to focus on “what was good about me” rather than on what was “not so good”. There seemed to be enough input for the negative that I decided I didn’t need to add to the pot.

So, Young or Old, we can all be friends. I learn from you and you learn from me.

posted by Tawnia @ 9:58 PM 1 comments

EMOTIONAL INTENSIVE CARE

2009-05-06T14:48:00.000-07:00

Friday, February 24, 2006

Emotional Intensive Care

I recently learned 2 new terms in group.

An adult volunteer shared what it was like for her to take a baby from the hospital to the new home. Her husband worked for an airline company, so she transported infants out of state. She called it the “second phase of birthing”. She shared how she felt the hand of the Lord, at times, helping her get where she needed to be in order to get the baby to the new home. She cried as she told the birth mothers in group about a specific journey where everything went wrong and she was still able to pick up an infant and make it to the plan in time to make all the connections. She made the “delivery” happen to a new location.

Heidi shared a term she learned from her father. She said that she had been determined to place her baby for adoption. She made a commitment to God and wrote her commitment in her journal—she would not disappoint the adoptive family—she would go through with her decision to place her baby for adoption. She was strong and firm until she passed the baby to the adoptive couple and turned to walk away. Heidi said she “collapsed into her father’s arms”. He “carried” her back to her room in the hospital where she sobbed. Although she knew that adoption was the best decision for her and the baby, she still felt pain. Her father, in his tenderness told her she was in “emotional intensive care”. is words were a caution for her to be careful with her emotional self and give herself time to “heal” from this unselfish act she had just participated in. Not only did she need to recovery from bearing a child, she needed to give herself time to recover from placing a child.

posted by Tawnia @ 10:25 PM 1 comments

I'M WORTH MORE!!!

2009-04-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

Saturday, February 25, 2006

A few days before group, Heidi called to tell me she had just moved to the area, placed her baby 4 years ago and wanted to come to group to meet and help other girls. I was happy to hear from her because it can be helpful to pregnant girls to hear the stories of other birth mothers. Luckily, group was the following day and I was expecting as many as 8 girls—a larger number than usual. Most of the girls would be new to the group experience. (Girls come and go as they have their baby.)

Heidi was the focus of the group. She shared her story of pregnancy, decision process and placing her baby for adoption. She brought her photo album full of pictures and letters that she had received over the years from the adoptive couple. Heidi had recently married in 2005. Over the past 4 years, she had continued to have contact with the birth father. She said she “loved him” and felt drawn to him. She has come to realize, now that she is married, that the birth father had been her “drug of choice”. Together they fed off of each other. She turned to him to feel good about herself and tried to control him in order to get her needs met. (Sound familiar to anyone?)

I asked Heidi what her relationship was like with her husband. She said it was much different. She said she realizes now that back then “she was worth a lot more than she gave herself credit for.” I asked her to repeat this back to the group again. I asked the girls to think about this statement and how it might relate to them. So often a girl/woman will give up what she wants because she has something not so good, but at least she has something. This could be a guy or a lesser goal. In reality, a girl probably has nothing at all. She settles for less.Think about what you want---really want. Then see if your choices/behavior are leading you towards what you want. If you are not going towards what you want, maybe it is time to make some changes.

SOUND FAMILIAR??

2009-04-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

“K” has a boyfriend that she “loves” but doesn’t want to marry. He has been her “best friend” for year and wants to be with her. Being pregnant helped her to realize that continuing to stay in this relationship was not going to take her where she wanted to go in life. Her boyfriend is a hard worker in an apprentice training position. He earns good money. He also continues to smoke pot and hang out with his friends. She decided it was time for her to grow-up and move on.

She expressed gratitude for being pregnant even though it was going to be hard to place her child for adoption. If she keeps the baby, she knows she would always be involved with the birth father and she doesn’t want that. She realizes it is time for her to move towards her “life goals”—do things that will get her what she really wants in life and be with people who are going the direction she wants to go. She has reconnected to family for support to help her through this time.

In group, we talked about the positive side of being pregnant, not married and considering adoption. Some girls have drawn closer to parents and siblings. It is a time to consider where one is going with her life and make new choices.

Going through this process often strengthens the spiritual core—with struggle comes growth. This is often a time of reflection and growing up. A girl might ponder about “what really matters” or “what do I want”. A great time to do some Journaling. The sacrifice of placing a child for adoption can also be a time of recognizing one’s worth in new ways. Sacrifice is strengthening .
Sacrificing also builds confidence to know that when you are faced with something difficult and you were able to meet the challenge—thinking beyond your own emotional need to the needs of your child and placing your baby for adoption.

Can you see why Birth Mothers are HEROES?

SIGN LANGUAGE AND GUNS

2009-04-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

My first visit with Emmy included the birth father, which doesn't happen often. Emmy and Aron were in their 20's and had certain ideas of what they wanted. When I heard what they wanted in an adoptive couple, I was skeptical. Little did I know we would find such a couple within our office limits.

Emmy and Aron were fun to deal with. They both kept me laughing. She still keeps in touch with me and gives me a hard time, especially about my voice message greeting.

Emmy didn't share in "Her Story" (see the following day) that she is remarried and hopes to gain custody of her first 2 children. She also plans to go to school to be an Interpreter. She continues to receive letter/pictures each year from her adoptive mom.

Emmy was happy to share her "story" with you. I hope you find it helpful. As hard as placing her child was, she did what she thought/felt was right for her daughter. She is my hero.

EMMY'S STORY

2009-04-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

When I was 16 years old, my boyfriend and I found out that I was pregnant (1994). We planned to marry the following June. In April, we lost the baby at 12 weeks along. It was very devastating for both of us, even though we were not ready to be parents. We decided to go ahead with the wedding but pushed it out until September. Two days before the wedding (Sept. 24) we found out we were pregnant with my oldest daughter. She was born in May 1995. In June1997, we had my son, Michael. We separated December of that same year. I moved out of the house we had purchased together and was staying with some friends in a very small apartment, leaving our children with their father. I was only intending to be gone for a very short time, just to clear my head. Two weeks later, I was served with divorce papers and a restraining order preventing me from entering the home to see my children. After 5 months of court battles, our divorce was final on May 5, 1998 and he was awarded custody of our children.My first husband remarried in October1998. As soon as step-mom came into my children’s lives, she has been trying to push me further and further away from them. In 2002, she got what she wanted when they moved out of state. I get visitation: 4 weeks in the summer and every other Christmas. I have received only a few letters and seldom talk to them on the phone since they have been gone. I think the step-mom blocks me from contact as much as possible. I pay child support to their father. While divorcing, I ran into my very first love, Bill. (We met when I was 14 years old) We married in August 1998, one day before I turned 21. I had problems in my second marriage from day one. We fought constantly. We had a daughter together. After her birth (October 1999), our marriage deteriorated again and we divorced October 2001. I was awarded custody of this daughter and he has visitation. When we separated, I moved into my own apartment and a few months. Later filed bankruptcy due to the debt that was left after BOTH marriages. My lease was up, and I knew that I would not be able to find another apartment easily with a bankruptcy on my credit. My best friend of 17 years, Aron, told me I could move into his house and pay what I could afford for rent. After being through two marriages and being dumped on so much, I told him that if I lived there, he could not. He agreed and moved out to his cousin’s house. I moved into Aron's home in January 2001. By March, our relationship went to a whole new level. We both felt it was the right time to express our true feelings for each other which had been growing for quite some time. Both of us had been through nasty divorces and withheld our feelings. We decided that we would take things VERY slow, day by day and see what happened. After 17 years of friendship, we had been through everything together and knew we had a lot in common. He moved back into his house in April and we were still in agreement that there couldn’t be anything sexual going on between us for several reasons. We DID share the same bed and all that, but believe it or not, we didn’t even kiss until June 2001. It was wonderful and we both felt it!! Anyway, we talked about our future together and what we both had in mind for kids, house, wedding, etc. You name it, we talked about it. In August 2001, our relationship leaped to a REALLY high level quickly.

We were finally intimate and we found out I was pregnant. BAD TIMING! for both of us. From that moment on, our relationship was not the same. I actually moved out for about a month because of the tension and stress. I moved back in December of that year and had my own bedroom with my daughter. Aron moved into the other room. When I first found out that I was pregnant, naturally I told myself and everyone else that I was keeping the baby no matter what. Abortion is NEVER an option for me. And how in the heck could I even think of giving MY child to someone else??? But after several nights of crying myself to sleep worrying about how I was going to make it on my own with two small children, I sat down with Aron and told him I would go and talk to someone. I wasn’t going to agree to do the adoption, but I said I would talk to someone. He was relieved because he had felt all along that adoption was the best. We went to talk to someone the following week. We went through my church Adoption Agency, LDS Family Services. If I was going to do this, I was set on placing my child with someone with the same values and morals as myself. Aron agreed. We finally decided to place our baby. We picked the family and met them in February face to face. Immediately I knew that they were the family to raise our child.After we had chosen the adoptive couple, I called a very good friend of mine and told her that we had chosen the family. She asked what their name was and I told her. We only knew their first names at the time. She immediately began to cry and said, “They were my neighbors in my previous neighborhood and they are the best”. I knew that God had a hand in sending this adoptive couple to us. That was just too weird. The way we picked them was I had requested someone that knew Sign Language, as I am planning on pursuing a career in Interpreting. Adoptive mom is an interpreter. Aron is very much into guns, and adoptive dad is also. So this family was meant for us. At the face to face meeting, Adoptive mom had asked us if we knew what the sex was. At the time, we did not. She told us that if we found out, then we could give them some suggestions for names. So the next week, I got an ultrasound and found out we were having a girl. I tell ya, I was not emotionally prepared to find out what the sex was. I was a wreck anyway dealing with all the emotions of the adoption and all, and that was enough to kill me. I came home and told Aron it was a girl and he lost it. He had a 5 year old son and had always wanted a little girl. So that was really hard. I called Tawnia the next day and told her to call the couple and tell them that we were having a girl, and the name we had picked was Miya. So two days later, we received a call from Tawnia saying that they really liked the name Amanda and would be happy to give her the middle name of Miya. When I first heard “Amanda”, I said NO WAY knowing that my first husband’s wife had that name. But then I thought about it and it is a rather nice name, just has a bad face to it for one person. So I agreed. And I have now learned to easily keep both faces separate. Her name, we agreed, would remain the same throughout her life. We all thought it would be easiest that way. And then the story skips to April. I hope you aren’t asleep yet.

Amanda Miya was born just shortly after midnight, after a labor that had lasted for a couple of days. As she was being delivered, so many thoughts ran through my head: "Please don’t let this end. I don’t want her to go", as well as "Get this over with. I can’t stand waiting any longer. I want to see her". As soon as she was born, emotions ran high among everyone that was in the delivery room. Childbirth is such an emotional thing anyway, but I think the circumstances that surrounded Amanda's birth made it even more so. There were a total of 8 people in the room when she was born: myself, Aron, my sister, sister in law, my mom's best friend (my mother chose not to participate), the doctor, the nurse and a friend of the family that was working the floor that night at the hospital. As soon as she was born, they placed her on my chest. All I could do was stare at her and cry. She was so beautiful. Even though she had not yet been completely cleaned off, I saw right through all the icky sticky stuff and I saw how beautiful she was. She was 8 lbs 8 oz, 20 inches long. She looked just like her father. I stared at her for what seemed like forever and just awed at the sight of such a beautiful being, crying the entire time.

That night, after I had been moved to the recovery room where I would be for the next 2 days, I was still very emotional as I knew what would be happening in the hours to come. I tried to keep my composure the best that I could, as I knew that Aron was a wreck inside and I did not want to make it harder for him than it already was. Aron slept on the chair next to the bed and held “beautiful” (that’s what he called her) all night. He woke up several times during the night at the littlest sounds she would make. At one point during the night, I woke up and was not able to get back to sleep as I had too much on my mind, rightfully. I lay in the bed and stared at the two of them sleeping there. I cried as I tried to imagine how the events of the next few days would pan out. I was full of uncertainties and mixed emotions. I had no idea what to expect and it bothered me.

The next morning, the visitors started arriving. The first visitor that we had was Tawnia. She showed up in a panic, and asked if everything was OK. She said she had gotten a call from the hospital nurse telling her that Aron was threatening to take the baby out of the hospital, I was having second thoughts about the adoption and I was curled up in a fetal position on the bed when the nurse came to check on me. I couldn’t help but laugh and explained to her what had really happened that morning before she arrived. Amanda had spit up on all the blankets that we had in the room and Aron went out to get some more from the nursery, which was 2 doors down from our room. He was holding Amanda as he walked out of the room. The nurses immediately came running over to him and told him that he had to put her in a basket if he wanted to take her out of the room. He was not in the best of moods anyway, given the situation. He told the nurse that he was just going to get a couple blankets and he was going right back to the room. He then explained to the nurse that it was HIS child and if he chose to, he would walk out of the hospital with her. The nurse told him that she would call security if he could not follow the rules. He told her to go ahead and call security. He was ready to take them on. After he got the blankets, he came back to the room. Needless to say, security was never called. As far as me being curled up in a fetal position, I had no idea what the nurse was talking about. I just had a baby! I was trying to get comfortable. If she came in and saw me that way, it was when I was sleeping. Tawnia was relieved when I told her what REALLY happened.

Later on that day, my brother and sister in law came back to see Amanda. They held her and loved her, as they knew it wouldn’t be long before she was going to be with her new family. A few other friends and family members came over the next 2 days, one of which was my sister. She actually came a couple of times. One time in particular really stands out in my mind and will forever. As the visit was ending, the 3 of us (Aron, Jackie and I) all got teary eyed as Jackie said her goodbyes to Amanda. She gave Aron a hug as he sat in the window sill and cried. She then walked over me as I was lying in the bed and hugged me and told me that Amanda was a very lucky little girl. She told me that Amanda was our angel and she reminded me that Aron and I were the adoptive couple’s angels as well, for doing such a thing for them. She kissed me on my forehead and then left. I still get choked up thinking about it.

Another memorable visit was from my father. Coming to the hospital to see me was one of the most wonderful things he could have done. He did not hold Amanda, I suspect because he did not want to get attached to her. I understood, as much as I would have liked him to hold her. The simple fact that he was there to see her was enough for me. That day was full of picture taking, tears shed, laughter, phone calls, and well wishes from many. The evening was a very special, yet emotional one, as we all knew it would soon be time for us to say goodbye to Amanda.

I made special arrangements for a few close family and friends to come to the hospital and give Amanda a blessing. My brother, my father, and a family friend all came and helped give her a blessing. My mother’s best friend (the one that was by my side for the birth) and another family friend were there for the event as well. That was something very special.

After that was over, Aron decided that he would go home and try to get some sleep since he was to get his son the next day for a few hours. I was hesitant to let him go given my emotional state at the time, but I agreed. He called 2 times that night to see if I was OK. He told me one of the reasons he wanted to go home was to let me have some personal time with Amanda. He knew how important it was.

That night seemed to go by so slow, yet it went by too fast. I had several hours to devote just to Amanda. I talked to her and told her how much I loved her and that she was much loved and she would be missed immensely. I cried for a while as I held her close to me. I slept with her in my arms all night. The next day was the most emotional day of the whole experience. I remember it like it was just yesterday. I remember everything about the day right down to the clothes we wore. As I woke up and got myself prepared for the day’s events, I was so overwhelmed with emotion. I did not know what to feel. I was completely numb. I could not cry, I could not laugh, I could not smile, I could not frown, and I could not focus. The only thing I was able to do was function enough to get myself dressed and then just sit and stare out the window.

Aron arrived shortly after I woke up as his plans to get his son fell through that morning. I was so incredibly happy he came back early, but I kept it inside. As the day went on, I found myself watching the clock, not looking forward to 3 PM to come. That was the time that the adoptive couple was scheduled to show up at the hospital. As the time drew closer, the more emotional I got. I stood at the window with Amanda in my arms, held her close to me and cried. Aron gave me a hug and reminded me that we were doing the right thing. He told me to keep it together as I needed all the strength I could muster for the next few hours. I sat down on the rocking chair and rocked Amanda and just stared at her.

Shortly before 3 PM, Nicki arrived. She was the fill in case worker since Tawnia had gone out of town that morning to help another birthmother. She walked in and told us that the adoptive couple was waiting in the room next to us. I remember looking at Aron and thinking, “this cannot be happening”. She explained to us what would happen and asked us if we were ready for them to come in. I said, “no, but do it anyway”. As soon as adoptive mom walked through the door, she asked me how I was doing. I looked at her and I said “could be better” and the tears poured out. She gave me a hug and said “Thank you”. Aron had taken Amanda from me at this point and was holding her by the door. As soon as he saw me start to cry, he couldn’t hold it in any longer. He began to cry as well.

The only other time I had seen Aron cry was when his father had passed away a few years prior. The couple stood against the wall as we talked. I was very appreciative that they were not pushy and did not insist on grabbing hold of Amanda as soon as they arrived. They respected the fact that this WAS the last few hours that we would have with Amanda for several years to come. I was very grateful to them for that. We discussed the birth and the few hours after. The nurse came in and explained to them how to care for her the next few days after she was home. The 2 hours that we spent together went by way too quickly. They were full of tears, laughter, and reflecting.

Shortly before it was time for them to leave, adoptive mom asked Aron if she could hold her. Aron handed Amanda to her. Adoptive mom had brought an outfit for her to go home in, since I wanted to keep the only outfit that I had of hers, which was the outfit she was blessed in the night previous. After she was dressed, it was time for everyone to go their separate ways. Again, I began to sob. Adoptive mom asked me if I wanted to hold her one more time before they left. I held Amanda in my arms as I rocked her. I stared into her eyes for what seemed like forever. I was not able to speak at all. All I could do was stare at her. There were no words spoken, yet I was saying so much. She looked at me for several minutes as if she knew what I was saying to her. For the first time in my life, I was left completely speechless. A lot of people use that figuratively speaking, but I had never experienced that before that moment. Literally, I could not utter one word. I will never forget that moment.

It was time to say goodbye. I could not bring myself to speak the words of “Goodbye”. In my mind it was not goodbye. I knew in my heart that we would be reunited one day. After several minutes of complete speechlessness, I finally was able to say, “This is not goodbye. I will see you later”. Aron took her from my arms. I remember how empty I felt at that very moment. I kept my head down, as I could not look up to see Aron handing my baby girl over to them. It was too heart wrenching. I can only imagine what he must have been feeling as he handed his little girl over to them. I could feel his pain and his heartache. As I watched them walk out the door, I was so full of relief, anger, sadness, joy, comfort and confusion all at the same time, if you can imagine that.

To be sure that there would be no conflicts of any sort, we remained in the room until we were sure they had left the hospital. Walking to the car with empty arms was such a long walk. And the drive home was such an emotional one. I ached for Amanda. I heard her cries even though she was not there. With every song I heard, I thought of her. The next few days I was a wreck. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I didn’t want to see anyone. I did not want to get out of bed. I was physically in pain, but even more so I was emotionally in pain. My emptiness far outweighed the physical discomfort I was in.

The couple gave us some gifts at the hospital and it took me a week to get the courage up to open them. They gave me a necklace identical to one that they purchased for Amanda to present her with on her 16th birthday. They gave Aron a small gift as well, which he chose not to open at that time. They gave my youngest girl a gift, as well. I thought that was very sweet of them to do.

Now, all we have to hold on to are memories of the 2 days we had with her, which will be in our minds and our hearts forever, and some mementos that we kept from the hospital, such as her blanket, her blessing outfit and her hospital bracelet. I also hold onto the hopes that we can be reunited again and she will know and understand of our love for her and why we did what we did. She is never gone from our hearts or our minds.We both know and are firm in that we made the right decision for our daughter. As hard as it was to say goodbye, we did it for her. We were selfless enough to think of her needs first, as parents do. And... we did not give her up. We gave her more...
by Emmy

GROUP

2009-04-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

We had Birth Parent group again. Currently, we have been meeting every other Monday for about 1 ½ hours to visit and share information. This meeting was the “Christmas Party”. The attendees brought cookies to exchange and a “white elephant” gift. I usually don’t enjoy the gag gift game because it seems like such a waste of time. Tonight, all the gifts were something that someone (or at least me) would want and could use. As I watched, I was pleased for the 5 birth moms attending because they would go home with a cookie tray and a gift. Being pregnant, single and sometimes young, can feel like an alone and scary time. What is going to happen to me? How will I get through this? What will people think or how will they treat me? Group can help a girl feel less alone.

We had a new visitor to group tonight. She is currently living on a military base and feeling somewhat isolated. She enjoyed the contact with other women in the same situation she was in. Several time she said to one of the other girls, “that is just like me (my situation)”. I felt happy for her that she wouldn’t have to be as alone as she had been because she came to group. She also mentioned that she was “confused”. I explained that was normal. During pregnancy, the hormones are up and down. That can also affect the decision process. Placing a child for adoption, single parenting or marriage are all important decisions. Each comes with consequences that are not fully known. Placing a child for adoption and being in the child’s life on a day to day basis can seem impossible to bear. Raising a child alone as a single mother, facing the challenges alone, over and over can also be overwhelming and far longer lasting to a young woman and to the child. Therefore the decision can fluctuate as information is gathered. It is a decision that takes maturity and uses the head and the heart. I often ask the questions—“who are you thinking of, the child or yourself?”

Because I have been a part of group for 15 years, it sometimes seems boring to me—especially if no one picks up the conversation. I know, however, that attending group offers a support to these girls as they gather information to aid them in their decision. Some girls have already decided to place. In group they can learn about how other girls placed their child and what that experience was like. Several weeks ago, I asked a past Birth Mom to come to group and share her story. She was 16 years old at the time of her pregnancy. She kept. For over 4 years she struggled through life with birth father, various relationships with friends and boys, ups/downs with parents. She loves her daughter and wishes she had placed her for adoption. “C” is now recently married which brings up new challenges. When she was 16 years old, she hoped that some day she would work in the legal field. At this time of her life, she hasn’t graduated from high school and has trouble keeping a job due to juggling a child and the stress in her life. She loves her child, she also see the struggles she has with her daughter as she, as the mother, tries to get through life. Now, she wishes she could give her daughter more and that she had more to give to herself.

BETH

2009-04-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

Sunday, December 11, 2005

I smile just thinking of her…I met Beth over 14 years ago. She came to the office, barely pregnant and already deciding she was going to place the baby for adoption. Her mother was devastated. The night Beth told her parents, her mom jumped into a car and took off driving until she was pulled over by a cop. One look at the woman’s tear stained face and the coped asked, “did you just find out your daughter is pregnant?” Mom cried some more and eventually returned home. (Most girls tell me it wasn’t so bad telling the parents.)

Beth was an energetic and positive girl. She seemed to make the best of a difficult situation. She felt it was in her child’s best interest to be placed for adoption with a family that had 2 parents and the ability to care for a child. She looked at adoptive couple profiles and immediately identified a couple that she knew was right for her child. (Back then all she could look at was a one page profile with non-identifying information.) She told me she felt good about them and that they were “the ones”.

Beth and I continued to meet together weekly, talking through adoption issues and family concerns. She decided to move into a foster home as she went through this process. She stayed with 2 families that were loving and supportive. Beth shared with me how she became pregnant—sounded like date rape to me. She had been at a home with a young man that she was just “hanging out” with. When she came out of the bath room, he pounced on her and the next thing she knew, she was pregnant. She knew her life style had lead to this consequence.

Being pregnant was an opportunity for Beth to decide where she was going in life. She used this time as an opportunity for change. As uncomfortable as she became, she still had an infectious laugh. I remember her coming into group and calling herself a “beached whale” as she would lie on the floor, searching for a way to be comfortable. The adult group coordinator, at the time, thought this was inappropriate and would become frustrated with her. I thought Beth was cute and just a young girl trying to get through a difficult time.In the weekly group meetings, Beth became friends with the other girls—we had a big group then. We knew when each was due, what the sex of the baby was and if the decision was: place, keep, undecided.

Beth is 32 years old now. We still keep in touch. Her daughter is 14 years old and was placed for adoption. The above mentioned group coordinator no longer helps out (thank goodness). Beth married and had 4 more children. Her children all know about her first daughter. She is a fun, energetic and excellent mother. That marriage didn’t last (she found a man that was immature and selfish), eventually ending in divorce. Once again, Beth chose to learn from her experience rather than be bitter.

She has recently remarried and is thriving.Beth has been an example to me with her faith in Heavenly Father. I admire her energy, positive attitude and joy in life. Because of what she has been through, she has wanted to help other girls. At one time, she was the “group coordinator”. You can bet she didn’t get frustrated with girls that lay on the floor. Beth sees adoption as a positive experience in her life. Even with the limited information she received from her adoptive couple (at that time she wasn’t able to meet or see a photo of them and only received pictures for 6 months), she knows what she did was right for her and her daughter. She hopes some day to meet her oldest child.

WONDERING

2009-04-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

Thursday, December 15, 2005

I had driven to Oregon for the weekend to spend some time with my step daughter and her family. She was about 4 years old when her daddy and I got married. She has been a part of our family since that time by visiting over the summer for several weeks. We have grown close over the years. Although I am not her “mother” and her mom is alive and involved in her life, we still enjoy each other and I am a grandma to her 5 children.

As I was driving home alone, I had time to think. I was reflecting on the stress I was experiencing due to the holidays. I thought to myself (since I was alone, I actually had time to think. In fact, that is about all I could do was think or listen to the radio.) I decided I didn’t like the stress I was experiencing with the holidays and wondered what I could do about it. I have learned in the last few years that I am more insightful than I thought I was if I “wonder”. That is when my insights or revelations come. It is really cool, actually, and a gift I tell myself to use more often.So, I was wondering what I could do different next Christmas season.

I came up with some ideas:

1. I will put a little money aside from each pay check to be saved up for Christmas gift giving. I get stressed out over spending, even if there is money to spend. I decided if I plan for the money, save it up, I will feel less stressed and enjoy the process of gift giving more.

2. I will take a lesson from my daughter. She comes up with thoughtful gifts. I am going to think about the person (that is close to wondering) throughout the year and gather ideas of what I think they might enjoy for Christmas. I can even purchase it anytime I desire.

3. If I decide to do Christmas cards, I will do it over the Thanksgiving Holiday so it isn’t so rushed.

4. I will spend the entire year, making the gifts I want to make so they are done prior to Thanksgiving time. That will give me pleasure all year as I am able to create gifts for others.

My point in sharing these ideas that are probably so simple to someone else, are:

1. I think it is important to learn from our life experiences. So often we go through difficult challenges only to repeat them in some form because we didn’t learn. I think it is important that we find positive lessons in life experience. A positive learning empowers the learner and is used to help the future. What a shame it would be for a woman to place her baby for adoption and never see the positive in the experience.

2. “Wondering” is a way to let insights come. The brain is an amazing thing. It wants to help us work things out. Take time to wonder sometimes and see what comes.If something isn’t working in your life, you can continue to do the same thing over and over or decide to do something different. Too often, women continue in unhealthy relationships rather that deciding she will do something different. I hope that these words help someone take charge of her life in a new way. I find life to be an amazing experience, especially when I am aware.

In the Beginning-----my FIRST blog

2009-04-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

October 2005

In the beginning...

When I was a little girl, I had an older brother and 2 younger sisters. I eventually became a big sister to a little brother. I was 8 years old when he was born and I was so excited. I remember coming home from school to be told I had a new brother.

I quickly changed clothes (we had to wear dresses to school in those “olden days”) and ran to the neighbors to tell them I had a new brother.I told myself that he was special to me and I was special to him. I guess I “mothered” him. Childhood fantasy.

Another childhood game I had was another “mothering” game. I must admit that I come by nurturing by nature. I am a natural “care giver”. So, the game included me, my 2 younger sisters and many, many dolls. The dolls were accumulated over the years from Santa. Each year he would give me and by sisters a doll. I don’t remember wanting one, but I always got one. I took good care of my dolls so Santa would be pleased (yes I was a “pleaser” also) and give me a gift next year. Sometimes, I would organize my sisters and dolls in our bedroom. We would see how many dolls we had before placing the dolls in various locations throughout our house. The 3 sisters would reunite in the bedroom again and wait for a minute. Shortly, I would walk through the house again and much to my surprise, find all these children waiting to be found and in need of love. I would gather them up and take them home.

I didn’t give that “game” much thought until one evening I was preparing for a presentation about Birth Mothers. I was wondering (I will talk another time about the powers of wondering) what to say when I recalled my childhood game. I was shocked at how the game seemed similar to my current employment responsibilities.

I work with girls or women who are pregnant and deciding if they want to consider placing their baby for adoption.I have at times wondered if I am doing my life’s mission.

When I had the above realization—I had to wonder if any other girls played the “find the baby” game. Perhaps I am doing a life mission—or at least one of them.Being involved with Birth Mothers through the decision process has its ups and downs. I have met many wonderful young women and worked with volunteers that have helped along the way. I have had experiences that I cherish. I have cried with others. I have prayed for help, support, and comfort for others. Sometimes I say, “I have done all that I can” and let go.

Over the years, I have seen changes. I considered writing a book at one time. The point of the book was to be a support to women going through this process of making a decision that would impact their life. There seemed to be support for the Adoptive Parents and information for the child that was adopted, but was lacking in support for Birth Mothers. The idea of a book fell by the wayside. This latest attempt was sparked by a young friend with her own BLOG page. As I listened to her, I thought perhaps I could reach many Birth Moms and help them connect to other Birth Moms, building a SUPPORT NETWORK. My hope is to give back to the women that I have come to love and admire.

CONSOLODTION: Importing Blogs

2009-04-26T14:05:00.000-07:00

I decided to import the 2 other Birth Mom Blogs I have into this one blog. That way, I will have less passwords and can make my entries all in one place. I do think I am getting better at all this.

The PLAN-------I will import "Birth Mother Heroes" first since it was my first blog and "Birth Mother's Unite" second. I will put each blog as it's own entry, but put it in a color so one can recognize it was from the same previous blog. I will also include the date of each entry.

Hope it works.

From now on, I will only make blog entries in:

Birth Mother Heroes Part II

ASHLEY'S STORY

2009-04-24T18:00:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I received a call from Ashley. I am always pleased to hear from a girl from the past. We visited and she wondered is she could get in touch with the family she placed her daughter with about 8 years ago. I discovered that she had a contact person and encouraged her to see if a connection could be made. She also shared this story with me. I hope to hear more in the near future.

Ashley's Story Unedited

Right after high school, I attended college for my first year of higher education. During that school year I had met and began to date a young man. In the beginning he was nice enough but after a few months things started changing. He began to get angry for no reason. I don't really know (or remember) what set this off but I do remember all these following details precisely.

One night in late spring he and I were out driving when I realized that I had no idea where we were. He had driven to a park and stopped the car. As we started kissing, I realized that he was being rather aggressive with me. That evening was the first of many times that he forced me to have sex with him. At the time I didn't feel like I could call it "rape" because he was my boyfriend, and boyfriends didn't do that, right?!?! I thought that I loved him but I realize now that it was nothing close to what one would call love. That night (and many others) he threatened me and told me that I could never tell anyone what had happened. This began to happen more and more frequently and after many times of ignoring my "no's" and "stop's" I finally just began to let it happen, thinking that there was nothing that I could do about it. After about two months of this happening on a regular basis, I had become numb to his actions. It's almost as if I rationalized it that if I didn't think about it (and didn't fight it) that it wasn't actually happening.

In July of 2000 as I was preparing to go to a summer semester of college, my mother approached me with a pregnancy test and did everything short of forcing me to take it. As I sat crying in her bathroom, staring at the results, at first I didn't want to believe it. I went through many stages of grief. I was still in contact with this particular young man because I was fearful of what he would do to me if I were to break up with him. I called to tell him that I needed to see him. As he was living in Portland at the time, he came to Seattle to visit that next weekend. It was then that I told him that I was pregnant. He, right then, asked me to marry him. At the time, I truly thought that I loved him, but I didn't want to get married under these circumstances. I very quickly told him "no". He didn't even say anything. He turned from me, got in his car, drive away, and I didn't hear from him again.

I tell you this (not so happy) part of this story because it I don't know who has experienced something of the same nature. I do know that regardless of how it happens, there is still nine long months of feeling ever so helpless and very alone. I never would have made it thru these long and agonizing months it if weren't for three key people; (1) my counselor at the LDS Family Services Office, (2) my Bishop, and (3) Heavenly Father.

My counselor at the LDS Family Services Office helped me cope with being pregnant at such a young age. She helped me sort out, deal with, and come to accept all the thoughts, feelings, hormone changes, body changes, life changes, etc. all while keeping the Gospel and the Plan that our Heavenly Father has for us as the foundation for each meeting that I had with her. She was someone that I could talk to without worry of judgment or ridicule. She talked me thru (yet didn't ever talk me into) all of the extremely hard decisions that I had to make over the course of a few months. She made it very clear that whether I chose to keep this child or place for adoption, that I was the only one that could make this decision! I shouldn't allow outside sources (i.e. people) effect my decision.

The Bishop played a huge role in helping me spiritually be able to take on the decisions that had to be made. In the beginning we concentrated 100% on repentance, re-connecting with Heavenly Father, and making sure that I was positioning myself back in a place where I could receive revelation from Heavenly Father and guidance from the Holy Ghost. I had weekly meetings with the Bishop to discuss my progress in the repentance process. This is important because ultimately it was only thru true repentance and regaining a personal relationship with my Heavenly Father that I was able to receive the answer to my prayers which was whether the child that I was carrying belonged with my family or with another family. I was extremely grateful to have a family that understood that the choice to keep the baby or place for adoption was completely my decision.

When I was nearly 7 months along, I finally received an answer to my prayers through a very spiritual experience. My answer was that this little girl didn’t belong to me. She belongs to another family that has been waiting for her for a long time. It was also revealed that my Mother would lead me to this family.So I was supposed to place this little child growing within me for adoption… It is so amazing that from the moment that I received that revelation and began taking the proper steps that everything fell perfectly into place.

One afternoon I went to see my counselor, told her that I had made my decision, and she immediately had me looking thru profiles of couples seeking to adopt a child. After 2-3 hours or looking thru couple profiles, no one really jumped out at me. She sent me home with a few binders or profiles, but I didn't ever even open them.Just a few days after this amazing experience, my Mother indeed led me to the family whose baby I was carrying. We worked out all of the adoption details and on March 11, 2001 (after three days in the hospital on bed rest and what seemed like the longest pregnancy ever) a beautiful little girl weighing 8lbs 6oz and 21.5-inches long was born. The first time I held her in my arms it was amazing… but amazing in the way that I got to be the vehicle thru which she came to Earth and was re-connected with her real and eternal family. I held her but knew the whole time that she was not mine.

Although this experience started from the direst of circumstances, the result was something great! It is an experience that I would never wish on anyone, yet one that if I wouldn't have gone through that, I don't know where I would be at today. Not a day goes by when I don't think of that little girl and thank her because it was though her that I was able to grow closer to my Father in Heaven. It was during this time that I really got to know Him and develop a personal relationship with Him. I know that He loves me, and I know that he loves you! And I know that he wants us to be happy! If we seek out His help, he will be there with us every step of the way!

Ashley

Thanks for sharing. Thanks for reconnecting.
I want to make sure that birth mothers understand that you can be connectected Ashley needed to repent for was the loose of herself due to a realtionship she didn't understand. She isn't the first girl I have worked with that lost her self to a boy and didn't know what to do.

Long Time No Blog

2009-04-24T17:47:00.001-07:00

Life gets busy and I don't blog. I wish I took the time to make an entry each time I have an idea or story I want to share. Promise to do better, but no guarantees.

Tonight, I am a little "laid up" because of my carpel tunnel surgery. I can't do everything, but I can do the key board. So tonight I will write down all my blog addresses to send out to people that have been asking. Make a few entries . And get better organized.

I have my First blog------"Birth Parent Heroes"
This blog ------"Birth Mother Heroes Part II"----created because I couldn't get into the first blog.

I have a recently added "therapy blog" at

blog.tawniams.com

Which is connected to my web page for private practice

www.tawniams.com

I even have an email, but I can't remember what is it.

I will start my best intentions by making an entry following this update.

DIFFICULT CASE vs. PRAYER

2009-03-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

For the past 2 weeks, I have had a birth mom telling me that "it will all work out". The baby has been born and the birth father has not cooperated. He has been sneaky, lied, threatened and overall DIFFICULT. I have never made so many phone calls to various parties: adoptive couple, case workers, attorneys, family members, and various agency supervisors. Although I "love" my birth mom, I understand the opposing parties in the attempt to block the adoption process.

The head office had decided to stop their involvement with the case on Monday. Birth Mom and Adoptive Mom asked that I hand one a little longer. Today, BM called to tell me that she had a conversation with birth father. Way to go girl. Birth Mom has grown stronger and stronger as she has dealt with someone that she has considered abusive and controlling. She told his how is was going to be and did let him manipulate her as he has in the past. She maintained her focus on the topic at hand.

Once she informed me of the phone conversation, I immediately called SLC to see if we would become active in the case and work towards terminating parental right. Birth mom's belief that "all would work out" never wavered. Other things in her life has also come together at this time. It seems pretty amazing to me and I am just a by-stander.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

2009-01-23T21:26:00.000-08:00

Tara shared this with me...........

"When the Japanese mend broken objects,

they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold.

They believe that when some thing's suffered damage

and has a history

it becomes more beautiful."

Barbara Bloom

Anchorage Group

2009-01-21T21:17:00.000-08:00

North Pole Sunset

Despite "icy" road conditions (are they ever not icy in Anchorage in the winter?), we had our first Anchorage group. Present were Teresa (agency volunteer), Loo Loo (she's going to be the group leader), 1 pregnant girl and 2 previous placers. I asked the placers to tell their stories.

Sariah shared that he had placed a few weeks before Christmas and she was doing okay with her decision. Night time is sometimes hard. She had a HARD time the second might away from baby.

Sarah tearfully shared her emotional story that happened 7 years ago in Anchorage. We both remember it well. She is now married to the birth father and they have 4 other children. She was tearful when she shared--she just had her 5th child 4 days ago. She has since visited with her adoptive couple and her first daughter. She said it was so cool to see her so happy with her parents that could provide for her needs. Her dad bought a convertible so he could take her for rides and feel the wind on her face.

There was one pregnant girl, due in a few weeks. She says she "knows what she should do" but is in an abusive relationship and just can't get herself to leave the birth father. My goal, I told her, was to focus on her making healthy and safe choices for herself so that she could protect her child. I told her that the guy would not change just because there was a child. I think she heard my word, but doesn't plan to make any changes. Difficult decisions.

Rebecca wasn't able to attend group because she was in the hospital for high blood pressure. We missed her. I hope that Sarah and Rebecca can meet each other. Rebecca plans to marry her birth father/boy friend. They have had a spiritual experience as they have gone through the decision process. Baby will probably deliver early and be here soon.

They plan to hold group again in a week. Hope things go well.

TACO TIME SUPPORT

2009-01-21T20:30:00.000-08:00

Whoops, I got-cha Tara

Last Friday, we had group. Unusual day, but it was a chance to see Tara and meet some new girls. We had 2 new pregnant gals--one brought her mom and sister. Sister painted temp. tatoos on tummy, feet and hands. Fun and beautiful. I forgot to make bread, so after 90 minutes, we called group "over". I was getting ready to go home, when some of the "oldie" group attendees decided to get something to eat.

My hands--like the "short one"??

Ambrielle with the Artist Elena

We ended up at Taco Time where we ate, visited, laughed and enjoyed. I was the target of playful teasing when we decided to text someone that didn't attend. First I couldn't find my glasses. Next I couldn't find my cell phone. (too many things in a big purse) Then I couldn't get my phone too text my name. Well.........the girls are all done texting and I am just getting going. They got a kick out of me and I thought I was doing good. I didn't know I was so far behind because I had my head down.

When we were preparing to leave, I was still at the table visiting while 4 of the girls where up by the ordering area, waiting for me (AGAIN!) The servers had been friendly and the girls were talking to them. It was late and not too busy. One of the workers asked, "what are you girls doing". The response was, "We are Birth Mom Support group and we have placed a child." The Manager of Taco Time said, "Far out! Next time you come, 10% off". We cheered-----2 reasons:

1. We like the discount and will return. (It is my favorite place for the ice in a drink.)
2. They supported the Adoption Decision.

Thank you Renton Taco Time on Rainier!

Taco Time Group

ALASKA

2009-01-12T23:03:00.001-08:00

The frost on the trees in beautiful!

I am in Fairbanks ( 20 below) today and Anchorage tomorrow. I met with 2 currently pregnant women and with a woman that placed her son 3 years ago. We had our.......

first birth mom group in Fairbanks

......tonight. We met in my hotel room and visited for about 90 minutes. It was great to connect, ask questions and share.

We scheduled for 4 weeks out. I probably won't be here, but they will enjoy pizza and support with each other.

Tomorrow night, I will have group again in Anchorage with different girls.

My hope this year is to strengthen the support to girls throughout the world that have placed for adoption. I hope to help promote to others, the strength of the women I have worked with and other women that have "made adoption possible".

Ice Sculpture

Rip Your Heart Out

2008-12-25T20:36:00.000-08:00

This was a "phrase" I heard from Tara----rip your heart out. When I talk to birth moms now, I tell them that placing your child will feel like having your heart riped out of your soul. In the beginning, the pain is so strong from the loose that it feels like you might die. I don't know how to prepare someone for what she might feel. All the spiritual confirmation, good decision making skills, planning and more----it all seems to leave when the grief pours into one's heart.

Just recently, a young girl called me the day after placement. She said, "I think I have made the wrong decision. I want my baby back." All I got was a message on my cell phone. I called and called her, but we didn't connect until she texted me and said---I am taking a sleeping pill and will call you later. A few days later, I finally reached her by phone. She sounded like a different person. She told me that she told her mother to "back off" (she had been encouraging her to single parent because of the pain). She said that once she got some sleep, the pain lessened a little. She had also heard from the adoptive couple and knew that they would continue to "honor" her. She said, "I know I have made the right decision". She also told me that she wanted to talk to other girls to help them through the process. That is a success story to me. I know it is not a total "happy ending". I know that she will still have tear, questions and sad times--especially at night. My hope is that this experience will give her new insight into herself and see the courage she has displayed. If you can place your baby for adoption, I think you can do almost anything.

I don't live in SLC, but recently visited. I just wanted to share some beautiful photos to lighten up this blog.

Christmas Eve Party--Part II

2008-12-25T20:30:00.000-08:00

Same Party--Another Story

Besides being greeted by Kate, Kristi also showed up. I had not seen her for even more years than Kate. Kristi is now 27 years old and was adopted. She has recently found her birth mom and shared that experience with me. She has always felt "fine about beint adopted" but finally decided she wanted to know more. Fortunately for her, she was able to find her birth mom and meet her husband, children and parents. She also met the birth father's family. However, birth father had recently passed away. Kristi is going to share her story with me and I will ad it to this blog. She said it has been quite an experience. She still has contact with her birth mom and loves her parents who supported her in "searching".

She said that meeting her birht mom helped her to feel thankful for being adopted because she has had a good life and loves having a father in her life.

More to come on this one...............

Christmas Eve Party

2008-12-25T20:02:00.000-08:00

Tawnia

On Christmas Eve, I went to a party a friend's home. Much to my surprise, I was greeted by Kate who I had not seen since she served as an intern for me several years ago. She has since completed her bachelors in social work and worked for LDS Family Services in Salt Lake City for a few years. We were "taking shop" and catching up. Much to my surprise, she said that she "loved birth mother work". I think it takes a special person to do this. Kate said that her favorite part was helping girls (birth moms). I agreed.

I shared with her my desire to reach out to more girls. I told her that I wanted to start an organization that was for birth moms that have placed. I wanted to have money to help girls go forward in life and heal, maybe even go to school. I wanted to create an organization to do all the things I wanted to help these girls. She agreed. So, I told her she needed to find out a way to do that. She informed me that she was not creative in business--just as I was not. I have thought of writing a grant, but have not taken action on that. I decided that if I continue to talk about the idea, maybe someone will help it "explode" into reality.

So to all those that read--------pass the word. I/We want to build a organization for

All Birth Moms

that want to be a part of this organization that provide support to other girls.

You are not alone.

Taken at the Salt Lake Temple grounds. Joseph and Mary are floating on the relection pool. Remember that Jesus was also adopted by Joseph. Adoption has been around for many years.

NEW BEGINNING

2008-12-25T19:45:00.000-08:00

Christmas Day 2008

I have been meaning to "start over" for some time. (My blog that is.) I created my "first" Birth Mother Horoes Blog several years ago. As time passed, I really got into blogging and started more blogs for personal resons. In the process, all my blogs got confussed and some were lost. I could find my Birth Mother Heroes blog, but couldn't log-in. Finally, I decided to start a new blog and call it PART II. I will also try to import the first blog or at least create a link. This way I can continue with what I started.

SO, once again.......

WELCOME

to a blog that honors the girls I work with,

the lives I come in contact with through my experience,

to the ones I might never meet, but learn of through the internet.

My hope is to reach out to more birth moms (recent and long ago)and help these women connect to others. Together we can create a great organizaion of strength, support, knowlege, hertiage, and more. I will try to be better at posting more often.

Adoption would not happen with out

Birth Mother Heroes

To view my "first" birth mother blog, click on www.birthmotherheroes.blogspot.com